Gransnet forums


Is it me or am I getting mixed messages

(66 Posts)
DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:08:31


I am feeling a bit upset and would like some opinions.

Me and my bf have been going through a bit of a tough patch. I havent really trusted him due to my own past isues and vowed to make things right and I have been and have been trusting and things have been great.

One thing he keeps telling me is that I am not vulnerable. He says that I need to believe him when he says he is going to do something. He says I have no patience. I do have patience but sometimes he says he will do something and months later it still isnt done. When I ask him he says "you just dont trust that I will do it" / "you're not being vulnerable".

We have spoken about moving in together and at the begining he would tell me me how much he loved me and wants to get married, have kids and live in our forever home. I feel he has taken a step back which he denies. He has alot of work needing done to his house before he sells. He said he would be looking to sell between June - Sept this year. In the meantime, we both said it would be good if I moved in while this happens. In the interim. I have agreed but said I didnt want to live there forever. The home isnt suitable for us both and our pets and what we want to do - think old house in the middle of nowhere - no garden space and isnt suitable for my dog. He agreed that it isnt suitable for us.

Recently, he has been saying alot that he can't wait til we live together. When I say to him, me too, when can I move in - lets settle a date.. he then gets annoyed "it doesnt work like that, you need to tell me what you need in order to move in before you move in - people you work towards dates arent practical people". I then told him a while ago, in order for me to move in, I need a few more drawers at his house and some rail space (he has a huge rail in a seperate bedroom for his clothes). He agreed. Last night, I asked if we can pick a date, he got angry and said no... and repeated the date stuff again. He then said i need to tell him what I need. I said that I did and then he got annoyed "you havent said which room you want to put your stuff in, you havent said where you want your clothes to go" - I said I need some space and it is his place to tell me where I can put my stuff, in his house.

Last night I said I wanted to talk more about moving in as he works from home and i need to think about the commute and the living arrangements for my dog so its good for her. He agreed. I then asked if he can guarantee the house will be on the market at the end of the year he said he didnt know but thats the plan. I then said that we both agreed I would move in for a little while not for a year or two. He got angry and said that it might be next spring. I said that's okay, but can you guarantee that and he said no. I am asking him to guarantee things he isnt in control of. He then said that he is saving alot of money to fix his house and I am adding pressure. I asked how. He said that all I want to do is spend money and he simply cannot afford to do both - i.e. keep me happy with plans and work on his house. I said that wasnt the case and that I wanted to discuss this more so if there is plans we need to cut back on, we will. He then said we will have no time to talk about this - I said why cant we make the time? He then got arsy and said that I am wanting details of his spending. I then said about spending money, and highlighted that I wanted to see a theatre show, which he said he would buy tickets for. When looking at prices, he said, "oh for that price, lets price up london, travel down for a night or two and book a hotel". I said I would be happy leaving that if it's going to be an additional cost so it isnt me pushing for money, it is him sometimes. He then snapped "well, we wont go then, will we!". I asked repeatedly why he was being like this and that It feels like he is blowing hot and cold. He then had to rush off saying "I am going to be late, will you please let me leave" - so I did and he said "speak later". an hour later, I called him to say why this conversation had upset me (he lives an hour away, by the way). He answered and said sorry, I just went for a sleep before my 11am meeting. I then said "I thought you had to rush away and I was making you late, late for what? Have you been sleeping this whole time" he then said "no I fucking havent been!" - "I then said "dont get annoyed, I am asking you a question" and then he hung up. This was 4 hours ago and he wont answer any calls.

I guess I don’t know where I stand. I think hanging up on someone is really disrespectful. I have told him this. I said if he needs to cool off or wants space he should tell me this. I said I hate that he hangs up and leaves me hanging for hours.

What do you think?
Please don’t just say end things. I am looking for opinions?

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:11:31

On a side note, he said if we fell pregnant - as I have stopped taking the pill - it will hurry all this up.. Ie me moving in and the house work needing done. I feel upset why everything said between us turns into a big drama.

This morning I kept waking with his alarm clock going off and he kept snoozing this. I did stroke his arm each time to wake him but he wouldnt get up. I then said after an hour "I need to leave in 20 minutes and so do you" - as he was blocking my car. He then said "good morning to you too. It feels like I am being kicked out" - after he came back from getting ready, I apologised for my tone and said there was nothing in it. I just need to leave and would have let him nap but I need out my drive. He then said "sorry just wont cut it" - but I dont understand what more there is to say and why he is taking this so to heart.

Norah Thu 28-Mar-24 15:13:02

I think: so many words.

Oreo Thu 28-Mar-24 15:13:13

Seems like you pester him all the time, who wants that?

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:15:35

It may seem like I pester him and I dont mean it. I dont see what is wrong with picking a date for me to move in. I live an hour away and will have to be in the office 3 days per week and have my dog. I have to plan this out and take it into consideration.

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:16:59

How can someone say lets try for a family but no lets not agree a date to move in, thatll just happen!

Casdon Thu 28-Mar-24 15:20:33

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:22:02

I am not a troll - this happened and I am looking for advice

Mollygo Thu 28-Mar-24 15:27:15

I know you said you want opinion/ advice, but since you don’t seem to be happy with him or the situation as it is, why prolong the misery?

Cold Thu 28-Mar-24 15:29:21

You two seem to have a terrible communication pattern - are you sure you are compatible?

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:34:13

When it is good it is amazing.
We seem to be toxic when we argue.
But now, when he hangs up and ignores me - what am I to do ?
When I tell him how it makes me feel and it makes me think we are over he then says "you are not being vulnerable" but how is that a fair repsonse after ignoring someone

Poppyred Thu 28-Mar-24 15:51:58

Does he want someone vulnerable? Maybe he’s looking 👀 for someone to control. I say get rid, life is too short to put up with his nonsense.

LucyAnna Thu 28-Mar-24 15:53:06

If you are thinking of getting pregnant, you must be quite young
Actually I’m going to stop there - this is a waste of everyone’s time

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 15:53:33

I am 33.

pascal30 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:01:47

grow up

Ladyleftfieldlover Thu 28-Mar-24 16:03:54

Why has the OP put this on here?

Grammaretto Thu 28-Mar-24 16:16:56

This is gransnet

lixy Thu 28-Mar-24 16:19:38

Walk away.

Smileless2012 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:19:45

My opinion is end things.

silverlining48 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:20:10

You might want to look at mumsnet, much more your age group but for what it’s worth from a grandma, the relationship you describe isn’t making you happy and as to contemplating having a family. Why woukd you do that. Yes, end things.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 28-Mar-24 16:25:00

Why is a 33 year old asking a bunch of grans for opinions?

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:29:18

older and wiser and sometimes mumsnet is quite toxic.

DancingQueeny1111 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:30:10

maybe this was the wrong platform to reach out on. I dont really have many friends or family around me and wanted to speak to someone about this. I am sorry for my long post and for wasting anyones time.
If you have taken the time to read and have commented, thank you.

BlueBelle Thu 28-Mar-24 16:30:17

if we fell pregnant 🤣🤣🤣….first you don’t fall and second there’s no ‘we’ about it The woman gets pregnant the man has half an hour of fun
Now on to your problem! I just find it too impossible to believe and why come on here anyway
Sorry but I m not advising on this, sounds just an incompatible young couple, that is if it’s real !

Bea65 Thu 28-Mar-24 16:31:56

Yes OP move your thread to Mumsnet - agree silverlining48 our perspective is a little different...we're thinking of you as 'a daughter' and he's a loser says my DD