Elderly fellow gran has become loudly racist

I actually laughed out loud reading witzends and Exdancers comments about their relatives etc..so so funny imo..😂😂😂🤦‍♀️

Interesting how many people would dump long term friends when they develop dementia or have damaging urine infections. Incredibly shallow behaviour.

After his stroke my very straight laced, old fashioned Dad tried to grab at any jewelry, particularly necklaces. A latent jewel thief? Easy enough just to remove them when visiting.

My MILbecame very agitated and insisted the staff were putting her on the roof when they cleaned her room. This was caused by urine infections.

My BIL tried to reason with her but it calmed her down if told that we would tell the staff not to do that. Until the next visit. A throwback to being sent to Switzerland as a teenager to a TB sanatorium.

For years she thought it was a punishment as nothing was explained. Her father was a doctor and her mother a matron!

My mother in law would have been so ashamed of her behaviour, she was such a good kind person . She lived from her mid 70' s for another 10 year decline.
Comments on here are the most insensitive and ignorant of the disease I have ever heard. We never shunned this lovely lady.
Let's hope to be spared from dementia.

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

Yes if it is out of character it will be something like that. I've said before on here that a close family member was a nurse on a geriatric ward. It was elderly Asian ladies who called nurses white whores and white sluts. It happens unfortunately.

How sad if this friend is acting out of past character and possibly developing dementia that some advice is to cast her adrift.
Depending on her awareness it is likely she is pretty scared for the future.

Would the advice be similar for someone who had cancer or some other disabling condition

When I was at my worst and had med induced depression I was so glad my friends did not abandon me when I burst into tears sobbing uncontrollably when we were out for lunch. So glad they were supportive

Who is more important a friend or some stranger. Do try and support a friend 🥰

Hello, when you get a chance alone with her just say her comments are offensive and it makes you uncomfortable. If she keeps it up I would not bother with her. Let us know how you go.

The frontal lobes are the part of the brain that are the last to developed and the first part to atrophy
The frontal lobes are important for voluntary movement, expressive language and for managing higher level executive functions. Executive functions refer to a collection of cognitive skills including the capacity to plan, organise, initiate, self-monitor and control one’s responses in order to achieve a goal.
When the frontal lobes atrophy people can become inconsequential. Which is why some people can be described as in their second childhood.
IE can be part of the pattern of dementia
Someone may say things without realising what they are saying as possibly in the case of your friend

Callistemon21

TiggyW

It could be a medical problem. I never heard my Dad swear in his life until he was very ill with prostate cancer. He cursed and sweared at the carers and was very rude to an Asian nurse when she came to the house. It was all very out of character. I suppose the cancer had reached his brain. 😕

Yes, delirium can be caused by a infection or a cancer that has not been found, causing someone to behave quite differently than they always did.

It’s awful how body chemistry can alter us isn’t it? Frightening.

Shelflife

Is this out of character for her? If the answer is yes she may have dementia. Hearing loss that is not addressed may speed up dementia. Trust me I know! On the other hand if she is simply racist she needs telling LOUD AND CLEAR, that you will not tolerate her racist comments. Also tell her it is in her best interest to have a hearing assessment ( easier said than done! ) It is embarrassing for you , especially if you have to shout to be heard ! Looks like a red flag to me on the dementia front - that needs assessing along with her hearing. If all this fails you may have to back away from her. Good luck, hope you let us know how you get on.

Good response.👏🏻👏🏻

My 88 year mother does this all the time. She's got deafer in last 10 years so speaks very loudly and doesn't have any kind of filter. I'm mortified when she makes racist comments both in public, and even in private. I just say, 'Mum, times have changed and while it was never right to speak like that , you are not allowed by law to make remarks like that anymore, so please stop it.

She does normally stop in her tracks. It got to the point that if I said nothing and ignored it, she took that as some kind of tacit agreement with her views. I discussed with my brother and he does the same so I think the message is slowly getting reinforced.

TiggyW

It could be a medical problem. I never heard my Dad swear in his life until he was very ill with prostate cancer. He cursed and sweared at the carers and was very rude to an Asian nurse when she came to the house. It was all very out of character. I suppose the cancer had reached his brain. 😕

Yes, delirium can be caused by a infection or a cancer that has not been found, causing someone to behave quite differently than they always did.

welbeck

those are racists terms, as you must surely know Suelld, and highly offensive.
there is no need to write or utter them.
as to the dolls, you are not writing a history book.
you could refer to them as gollys, which is slightly less offensive.
why did you never challenge your friend on her terminology; it's no excuse to say those were the standards terms of her youth.
rubbish. they were always highly offensive.
if she moved in circles where they were often used, and accepted, that says a lot about her.
and it's not good.

Of course I did talk to her about her use of these terms, and she did attempt not to use them, but when you are in your nineties they would occasionally slip out unwarranted. As I said she was deaf too, and when trying to speak quietly ..she didn’t! She was feisty and fearless despite her age, and as I said had masses of friends of all races, creeds and genders., who loved her as she was!
welbeck how can you possibly answer questions or discuss the subject of Racism without writing those terms… where were you educated? Did you ever research topics? I give up?

grandtanteJE65

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

No, there is not. What I am glad to see and be counted amongst is the lot of people who were decently brought up and taught not to make ill-natured or offensive remarks about the groups of society that they themselves do not belong to.

Illness is not, and never should be accepted as an excuse for rudeness. It may be the reason, but we do not have to put up with bad behaviour in public, or in private.

I can’t believe I read that. If the lady has dementia she surely has a very good excuse for her behaviour. The OP says she ‘has become embarrassing’ so clearly she was not always like this. Thank goodness the people who care for those who are ill make appropriate allowances and don’t consider that their charges were not decently brought up or should be ostracised. MissA was, I know, one such carer.

MissAdventure

Its bloody ridiculous to judge someone who has dementia.

People who were "well bought up" should have been taught that, surely?

Agreed!

Some comments on here are quite shocking and unsympathetic.

People with dementia or delirium would be horrified if they realised that they were making inappropriate remarks or upsetting others.

Suelld. Your comment I’m not racist but , is imo a red flag for unconscious bias .
I’m a lot younger than you and we obviously have different views. Which you’re entitled to have .
However if a friend or family member made racist comments, I’d call them out on it , which I have done.

Its bloody ridiculous to judge someone who has dementia.

People who were "well bought up" should have been taught that, surely?

i only recently realised that a lot of people in my social circle, in the past and present i did not really like very much! In workplaces ,groups, places of work, it is often the norm, but friends?

I'd be worried to be out with her because if someone overhears that you could find yourself attacked along with her. And my first thought was Picks dementia (as opposed to Alzheimers)

My partner has become like this over Muslims. Usually it's in the house, when watching the News, but his own grandson has converted to Islam and married a Muslim woman. We don't go out much.

I don't understand how a person who considers themselves well-educated can be like this, and I find it very difficult, having been in a professional role where this kind of remark is not acceptable. He has been tested for dementia but they say his brain is "clear". So perhaps it's just a blood-sugar problem.

The "deafness" is also a problem; we can't have a conversation in public because I have to shout and then he shouts back. I visited him in hospital on Monday and he could hear me clearly, even with other things going on around us.

Probably it depends on how close you have been to the person? You don't dump someone close if they are ill but you might make decisions about where and how to see them.

grandtanteJE65

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

No, there is not. What I am glad to see and be counted amongst is the lot of people who were decently brought up and taught not to make ill-natured or offensive remarks about the groups of society that they themselves do not belong to.

Illness is not, and never should be accepted as an excuse for rudeness. It may be the reason, but we do not have to put up with bad behaviour in public, or in private.

Do you not realise that they will have no control over it?....better hope it never happens to you and your friends all dump you! I agree that it may be better to avoid public meetings or to keep them short but "we do not have to put up with" is plain cruel in those circumstances

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

No, there is not. What I am glad to see and be counted amongst is the lot of people who were decently brought up and taught not to make ill-natured or offensive remarks about the groups of society that they themselves do not belong to.

Illness is not, and never should be accepted as an excuse for rudeness. It may be the reason, but we do not have to put up with bad behaviour in public, or in private.

those are racists terms, as you must surely know Suelld, and highly offensive.
there is no need to write or utter them.
as to the dolls, you are not writing a history book.
you could refer to them as gollys, which is slightly less offensive.
why did you never challenge your friend on her terminology; it's no excuse to say those were the standards terms of her youth.
rubbish. they were always highly offensive.
if she moved in circles where they were often used, and accepted, that says a lot about her.
and it's not good.

Drop her entirely would be my solution.

Even in the (unlikely?) event of these remarks being caused by dementia, do you really want to be seen in public with someone stating these views in loud clear tones?

It is unlikely that you can change this person, or any other racist by contradicting them in public. what you can perhaps change is your own and others' attitudes to racists by refusing to be seen with them, or to enter into any behaviour that could be seen as excusing or condoning their views in public.

My very elderly father has always been a racist and has recently proudly informed my daughter and her partner of the fact. He never ever says anything in my presence as my stock reply is “you do realise that you said that out loud?” Have to say that this is after many many times of trying actively to change his views. I’ve had to accept that huge does not want to change.