Elderly fellow gran has become loudly racist

This seems to be an easy problem to solve. You say you don't like meeting her anymore so cut ties and don't meet her anymore!

If you're true friends you should be able to discuss this problem and resolve it amicably methinks.

I couldn't socialise with someone who said things like that.

Is this out of character for her? If the answer is yes she may have dementia. Hearing loss that is not addressed may speed up dementia. Trust me I know! On the other hand if she is simply racist she needs telling LOUD AND CLEAR, that you will not tolerate her racist comments. Also tell her it is in her best interest to have a hearing assessment ( easier said than done! ) It is embarrassing for you , especially if you have to shout to be heard ! Looks like a red flag to me on the dementia front - that needs assessing along with her hearing. If all this fails you may have to back away from her. Good luck, hope you let us know how you get on.

I think shelfliife sums it up well.

I never could understand how people get more prejudiced as they get older. Surely as you see more of the world, the more you learn that everyone is an individual and you can't generalise. It seems to be a sign of mental problems.

Dementia came to my mind too - I've seen it happen in others with dementia, not necessarily racist comments, but similar. Thankfully, my own mother became very passive when she had dementia, but some people can get very aggressive with it. I went to visit my mother in hospital once and another woman was very apologetic because her mother was cursing and swearing. She said she never even realised her mother knew such words, as she'd never so much as raised her voice to her in all those years, but here she was cursing like a trooper!

Dementia is very subtle and develops over a very long period of time . I have work voluntarily for many years for the Alzheimer's society, so gleaned a considerable amount of information. My DH is recently diognosed with Alzheimers Disease, he is on medication - so far so good , but I am under no illusion as to what the future may hold! Early diognosis is paramount if medication is to be of help, even then it may not be beneficial.
I May be incorrect about your friend j3ll but it is something you may wish to think about.

Thank you all for your helpful remarks! Yes, I hadn't thought of dementia, that could well be the reason, because as you say, it's fairly recent. Next time we meet in her home (or mine), I will try to get across to her that she really must not say these things and how hurtful they could feel. Your comments have given me some strength; thank you.

Another aspect of dementia is that people can develop obsessions over seemingly petty things that would not bother others. There is no point in trying to explain to them because its like talking to a tape recorder.

I knew there was something wrong with my neighbour when she developed an obsession with bins, drains and rubbish. One day when the bins were out for collection my then LL had picked up a coke can dropped by the local kids and went to put it in her bin. She aggressively snapped the bin shut and shouted "I have more rubbish to put out" However the bin was more or less empty. A single coke can would not have prevented her putting more rubbish in it.

The LL was so surprised that she mentioned it to me. I had been telling her for some time that the NDN had mental health issues but she saw it for herself that day.

The Strange Case of the Suddenly Anti Semetic Gran.

by Agatha Christie

zakouma66

The Strange Case of the Suddenly Anti Semetic Gran.

by Agatha Christie

Do you think that's why? 🤔

Ditto to dementia being a possibility. People can and do lose their ‘filters’.

Though having said that, an aunt of dh (no dementia) who IMO had always had racist inclinations, started saying things very loudly in public, e.g. ‘So many blacks around here now!’

Not to mention other very loud derogatory comments - ’Why does that waitress wear such short skirts with legs like that!’ 😱

It was a relief when we stopped taking her out to lunch - she invariably moaned about the food anyway - too hot, too cold, too tough, too sloppy, they don’t know how to make pastry any more, etc.
I would take something quick and easy and cook at her flat instead.

Delirium can come on very quickly, could be due to an infection, but have similar symptoms.

My Mum was prone to water infections and they always brought on a kind of dementia - her favourite was 'flogging'. For example she would say the waitress in a cafe should be flogged for serving such bitter coffee, or the prime minister should be flogged for failing to stop the illegal immigrant boats.
It would have been funny if she hadn't been talking at the top of her voice.
When she said such things I knew it was time to ask the health visitor to arrange a urine test.

That's what I was thinking too, ExD

Thank you all again. I never knew there were all these possibilities. You have given me some backbone in what felt like an impossible situation.

My mother became like your friend but absolutely no dementia involved, it was more like she lost any level of social niceties and really didn’t care less. I actually stopped taking her out because she was so opinionated and bigoted.
It’s very hard to deal with, I sympathise but I would avoid meeting her in public.

My lovely neighbour, diagnosed with Altzheimers several years ago, has absolutely no filter now and says outrageous things and is obsessed with men’s legs. We just ignore her comments but it is difficult, and very hard for her DH. No good telling her she can’t say something because she will have forgotten that she has done so.

I'd dump her quick, you don't need that type of toxic in your life.

Tell her if she mentions it again you can no longer be in her company.

RosesandLilac

My mother became like your friend but absolutely no dementia involved, it was more like she lost any level of social niceties and really didn’t care less. I actually stopped taking her out because she was so opinionated and bigoted.
It’s very hard to deal with, I sympathise but I would avoid meeting her in public.

that sounds like an undiagnosed stroke to me. I have seen it often in my (now retired) professional work in the NHS. When my late mum had a scan for a suspected stroke they found evidence of two previous ones, happily she hadn't been hugely affected by them.

To be honest, you either accept her or you don’t. I have had the most horrendous racist remarks all my life, from childhood onwards and I’m never surprised where it comes from, people who call themselves the pillar of the community when they find out, are the most vicious and those who say I could never be like that are the ones who have become the worst. Even members of my own family have been horrendous name callers. You never get used to it, and you either become very loud and staunch and defending, or you shrink away and try to become invisible. To be honest, you can fight the battle with her but it wont stop and she won’t change, and in reality the truth is it doesnt matter, it really doesnt because for every one that’s won over there are half a dozen who still see us as dirty filthy lying so and so’s.

I'd not meet her any more. Life is far too short to spend time with someone who causes anxiety and embarrassment.

Don't meet up with her then you won't feel embarrassed, easy
peasy.