Father's hearing loss - won't wear aids

Remind him that hearing loss increases the chances off dementia.

Sorry I pressed post by accident too soon!

I understand where your DM’s coming from as far as being totally frustrated, angry and exhausted with your DF. I find his dementia to be the icing on the cake as now I’m his carer, chauffeur, housekeeper, washer woman, cook & bottle washer and unfortunately love and affection for them when they won’t help themselves goes flying out of the door. There is no answer to this situation but your help and patience and occasionally a cup of tea out somewhere with Mum for her stress relief will help her and as I said to my DS & DDL have patience with me and think yourself lucky because if I’d done what I should of done years ago you would now be looking after him!

Please try to be patient with your mother. I actually thought my DS had written your problem to begin with as I am in the exact same situation that your DM finds herself in. My DH has had tinnitus since the age of 32 slowly going deaf until his early fifties . My DH has had NHS hearing aids since he started going deaf but hardly wore them then and has not worn them at all especially since retiring at 63. I’ve bought him headphones for the TV, not used once,
Several simple telephones for the hard of hearing, again not used at all since retiring and quite frankly I had enough of him not helping himself. I realise around 12 years ago I wish I’d left him in hindsight. He has always left everything to me anyway eg arrangements, paperwork, telephone calls anything he could where he didn’t have to use his hearing or brain just passing everything over to me and stupidly it was easier to do it myself than explain everything to him 3/4 times over where he hasn’t heard. I’m thoroughly sick to death of feeling like a parrot so now I don’t talk to him unless it’s absolutely necessary, it’s just too much like hard work and yes he’s now got Vascular Dementia which rightly or wrongly I swear has been brought on because he’s never worn his hearing aid and consequently passed things over to me to do. My DS is in the same position as yourself and often tells me he hates the way I speak to my DH sometimes but as I rightly point out, you try living with him. He’s never helped himself by not wearing his aids or taking his phone etc and he’s worn me out over the years with it.

Just a few thoughts..... can't they use subtitles on the TV? I do.
When I admitted I thought I was going deaf, and had it confirmed, I was given hearing aids.
AT first I was rather reluctant to wear them, but eventually realised that I needed them, and now wear them all day, along with my specs! I think it's a very common thing for a lot of people when they're first given the aids.

To be honest though, it sounds as though your father has no motivation to hear what your mother is saying if it's mostly unpleasant.

I hate to say this, but I wonder if both are suffering in some way from the onset of dementia. Have you considered consulting their doctor?

Just to add another recommendation for NHS hearing aids. My dad had private ones for years, he had no end of problems with them but he found the NHS ones much better.

Your mother is naturally struggling as she is having to face the difficulties constantly, and you find being there for a short time unpleasant so no wonder she gets mad. One or two small suggestions. Firstly having a small notebook and pen each, so that things that really matter can be written and then no shouting needed to comprehend the main points. Then is there a possible small compromise, where your father wears his hearing aids for an hour say, in the morning and that hour used to discuss the days events and anything of importance and then back to the notebooks. With something like this your mother at least would get a bit of a break from the shouting, and eventually they might learn to use this hour in the future for anything they needed to talk about. Then I think your mother needs to get away each day for at least a short time , either a walk or visiting a friend or whatever just so that she can have a little "normal" time, which can allow her to feel a bit less stressed., as constantly trying to deal with the deafness means that you can be under stress all the time. Definitely if your father wont wear hearing aids I would look into headphones that can be used for tv or radio so that at least he is not deafening your mum or neighbours. If he is not prepared to even attempt to do something like this then your mother may need to resort to just writing notes and staying away from him more. If he objects to this she will explain that in order to cope with the situation it is the only way she can manage.As this is going to be an ongoing situation these seem to be the sort of possible things they might agree on. If they cannot come up with some sort of a plan , given the stress they are already under , you may find that your mum will crack up under the strain and things could be worse. My husband took some time to accept that he had hearing loss and not just minor. Once he accepted that this was the situation we used some of these ideas to help us both We worked out a way to live together , but he was willing to make some effort and I in turn, accepted that there were places and such things as big groups of people that were no longer possible to go to for him. I also talked to other people who were living with someone who was deaf to get any ideas that they might suggest too . One simple idea someone told me was that they used to go shopping together. Now he goes to the supermarket with a list where he switches his hearing aids off and just gets things from the shelves and puts them into the trolley. She goes to places like the bread shop or the greengrocers where she speaks to the staff and they meet afterwards in a coffee shop, which does not have loud music playing and by now the staff know what they usually have.

I have exactly the same problem with my mother, who refuses to have her hearing checked. She is adamant that her problem is just tinnitus which she says won't be helped by hearing aids. I say, why not go and see what the doctor says? But no, she won't. I have a slight hearing loss and tinnitus and have NHS hearing aids myself so you'd think I would know what I'm talking about but it makes no difference!
So, to avoid being deafened (!) by the TV being on loud I have set it up to always show subtitles and also got one of these to connect to the TV www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08HSRYZHM?tag=gransnetforum-21 (other similar gadgets are available). When you're watching TV you put the speaker next to you and can turn the knob to the volume needed, which is lower than you would set the volume on the TV because it's right next to you. If the user needs the volume very high, you can mitigate the sound a little by turning the speaker so it faces the deaf person and has its back to the rest of the room. You can even use it to listen to the TV in another room.

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Loopylou

I have worn Hearing Aids for over two decades after having meningitis when I was 40.

For half of this time I wore ones I bought privately - the type that fitted totally within your ear (a mould was taken). The problem was that there was no escape for ear wax to evaporate into the air. I had to have my ears waxed twice a year at my Doc's Treatment Rooms, and was always amazed at how much wax had built up, although I was told it was a small amount up to what the average person would generate. (No longer on the list of things that your Doctor can sort out). Of course the aids were pressing down and compacting the wax
.
I was also always afraid that they would be sucked out in high winds!!

Move on to ten-years later and I lost one when on holiday in the South of France. Secure limited indoor area it could be. Never found it.

Was moaning about it to friend of about eight years that I couldn't afford a replacement. Travel Insurance wouldn't cover it as it wasn't listed on our Policy as an item valued at over £1,000 (although I've recently learnt that our Home Insurance might help covered it as they were listed with them).

Anyway said friend said "Why don't you ask your Doctor about having NHS ones like mine?" She flicked her hair back and showed me. I didn't even know that she wore them!!! We both wear our hair in a shoulder length bob style.

So I did. Hearing tests etc at the Hospital Audiology Dept but had the aids within the month.

They're the type that goes over the top of your ear with an adjoining little soft insert that goes in your ear (but doesn't fill it).

These aids are far superior to the private ones I'd had preciously. The sound and tone is perfect and there're more comfortable. I've worn them daily (c) 8:00am to 11:00pm for 12-years with never a problem.

Batteries last about 10-days and are picked up from the Receptionist at my Doctors. NHS. Previous ones I had to purchase so immediately saved £60 a year.

A friends husband has silver coloured NHS ones to match his hair!

So - anybody- if you think everyone is whispering or muttering ask your Doctor for a hearing referral and don't miss out on anything!!

Sightly off track but hope it might help someone.

My mother had hearing aids but struggled with them. I got one for myself for my one deaf ear so could help her. She never had any after care but they do need some regular maintenance as wall as basic cleaning and filter change monthly. So perhaps those h aids are not performing as best they might? and tweaking if hearing has changed since first set up?

It took several attempts to get my OH to wear aids and it was only a visit by a private audiologist that worked because he took plenty of time teaching OH how to put them in and there are no fiddly batteries - they go in a charger overnight. The NHS audiologist didn't give enough time to be effective.

If he wears spectacles they are far more obvious than a hearing aid, what the dickens is the matter with him.

I live in sheltered housing, there are 7 of us here who need hearing aids, none of the men will wear theirs, including my husband. They all insist that there is nothing wrong with their hearing. I put my aids in as soon as I wake up and they stay in all day. I've given up explaining to my husband how frustrating it is having to repeat my self.

I have some NHS ones - they are comfortable, in fact I've been known to go to bed wearing them they do the job so well.. BUT I really really hate wearing them.
Its not rational, I don't know why I hate them so much but I do, so I know how he feels.
I'm 85 and wear them when we socialise or when we have visitors or when we're watching TV.
Like others have said - keep out of this argument - its not your battle, but one suggestion may work - persuade your Mum to get some herself. Her GP will refer her (everyone over 50 has lost some hearing) and they are free on the NHS. When he sees her wearing them and sees that they do work, he may follow suit.

My mother was quite frugal and I think that half the reason she fought having hearing aids was the cost. Her friends had told her that she should buy privately prescribed aids which were very expensive. Eventually she did this but didn't find them very useful.
She then tried the NHS service and their hearing aid which worked much better than the expensive private ones.

Your dad is being very silly not to wear those aids, he could buy the micro hearing aids but they cost a small fortune.
Unfortunately being in a non hearing world can worsen dementia- happened to my dad, he was always loosing his aids
When I call round the tv is up full pelt, I have tinnitus, which it makes it worse.

reminds me of my parents who died a while back,same with hearing aids, vanity, selfishness etc,looking back it was their way of drawing me into their dramas, how i wish then what i now know. I would have walked away when i was 18 years old

My husband has hearing aids, but only wears them in social situations outside the home or when there is something on television he wants to watch. Consequently I never know whether he has heard what I have said to him. Often he mishears me or simply doesn’t hear at all. It is very, very frustrating.
His audiologist says he should wear them all the time so that he gets used to filtering out surrounding noises again, which he has not heard for years.
He says that she doesn’t know what she is talking about!
I am not surprised that Tararh’s mum gets angry.

BTW, my husbands aids have blue tooth so when he watches footie on the TV I don’t have to hear it anymore.

My DH has hearing aids that have just been upgraded because his hearing had worsened. For a long time he refused to wear any. The TV was up really loud, I kept repeating myself but he still didn’t hear. He became so used to no hearing aides that his brain began to fill in the gaps when he’d heard only one or two words. Eventually I told him how unfair he was being even disturbing the neighbours with the TV on late at night. Eventually, after many months of grumbling, not watching the TV with him and explains how awful it was for anyone trying to communicate with him, he gave in and had some digital hearing aids from the NHS, plus free batteries.

Even these days he’ll try to have a conversation first thing, without his aids! I just tell him we can chat about it when he has his aids in. I just can’t be repeating myself over and over and speaking loudly so he has a chance of hearing.

Just keep at it with your father. It isn’t a comfortable place to be when communication is so difficult.

My husband is the same, as despite having NHS hearing aids because he struggles to hear he still says he doesn’t need them #frustrated muchly!
I too have hearing loss & he has a habit of talking to me when he is in another room or when he is walking away from me so I can’t hear him even though I do wear my hearing aids all the time & find them brilliant especially as my new NHS ones link to my iPhone and iPad so any audio plays directly through my ‘aids giving me a much clearer experience than trying to listen to external speakers. If he’s into music &/or tech this option might be a deal clincher for him to use ‘aids

I suggest mediation.

Can your mum divorce him if he refuses to engage with mediation?

Sometimes the only solution is to make decisions which suit yourself, and just live your best life, not being a slave to someone else’s unreasonableness?

Your mum is under no obligation to stay in this horribly abusive situation.

I’d remind her she has her own life ahead of her to lead as she wishes? She’s not a slave.

Have had so many problems with my Hearing aids since a supposed upgrade a couple of years ago. First pair were very small & light. The replacements were practically thrown at me & when I said that they were so much bigger & heavier than the older ones I was told that was all I could have. Apparently NHS had combined the smaller ones with the next size to ‘cut costs’!A case of take them or leave them. They are very uncomfortable to wear & do not seem to work as well. Since moving recently I am hoping that I may get more help. Maybe this is a problem your Father has? If something is so uncomfortable to wear & does not seem to make much difference to his hearing he may be put off by this? Hope you get this sorted out soon.

We put normal sound on TV & subtitles for me

My other half refused to believe he had a hearing problem and certainly did not want the 'embarrassment' of wearing hearing aids. Eventually he gave in and went to the doctors, had a hearing test and got NHS hearing aids. They are brilliant, you would not know he wears hearing aids.