Father's hearing loss - won't wear aids

Hubby was the same very much in denial till he went and ended up with two. He doesn’t wear them in a morning so now I’ll say to him’ I’ll talk to you when you’ve got your hearing aids in’ it works for me. I wear one now as my ear is perforated and pop it straight in first thing.

Other people will soon follow me to give more informed help, but your distress and frustration pours out of your post and I felt you needed your first response as soon as possible, others will follow.

You say your mother gets upsets and shouts. Could she go for the reverse response. Say everything to your father, once, and clearly to your father - and then refuse to repeat it. Just walk away and do something else - the same with you and your sister.

Your reasoning would be that as he says that there isn't much problem with his hearing and he doesn't need his hearing aids, when he doesn't hear you it must be that he is refusing to hear you, which s unacceptable, so in future you will say things once only.

As for the vanity problem, you can get glasses where the hearibg aid is consealed in the arms of the glasses. A friend of mine has those and she had been wearing them for several years before I realised that her hearing aids were in her specs.

Your father is causing the problem and your mother is the one suffering. Is there a second tv in the house so that if your father has the tv too loud, and that is a problem I do understand, she can just go away and watch tv, or read, or whatever in another room. It will also give her breathing space to be alone and not have to cope with someone who will nit accept that they have a serious hearing problem.

This actually seems quite a common thing - I’m sure there was a recent thread on it.

My Sis-in-Law bought really expensive aids, but doesn’t wear them!! Last year on holiday she was shouting ‘pardon’ or ‘you what’ before I’d even finished a sentence. In shops, it comes over as quite aggressive.

Thankfully, she doesn’t live nearby and I only see her a couple of times a year. I don’t think I could cope with it full time - I have to have my tv turned up so loud for her, my head is ringing.

A friend in a similar situation has been told to face her DH, say things clearly, then leave him to make sense of it, as he’ll have picked up sufficient key words to get the gist.

Your mother has my sympathy!! I am in exactly the same situation. Constantly raising my voice so he can hear ( very embarrassing in a public place!) Having to repeat myself all the time and when I try and talk to him about it he says the probleme has hearing is me as I have no compassion!! He has hearing aids and refuses to wear them , this has been going on for a few years and is now even worse as he has recently been diognosed with Alzheimer's. I love him dearly but at times I just have to jump on my car and disappear.
One thing I can say is that an unaddressed hearing loss contributes significantly to the onset of Alzheimer's Disease - perhaps your dad might like to think about that !

I would refuse to be drawn into arguments between two intransigent parents. Its clearly upsetting you. Can you go low/er contact?

Refusing to wear a hearing aid or glasses or similar can be weaponised refusal to change or get involved. Older people can often successfully pretend that they did not see, hear or notice something they dont want to be involved with. Therefore they get away with it because people dont have the headspace to pick them up for it.

Sometimes I pretend to be deaf to get rid of unwanted people on the phone, sales people or neighbours. I just keep telling them I dont buy on the phone/at the door and they give up in frustration and bugger off.

You have my sympathy.
And the hearing aids he has nhs?
Can he be persuaded to have them reviewed to improve them. And if that doesn't work try a private company.
But you have to be clever and do it step by step.
My DH can't hear anything until he puts his aids in.
I need to learn some sign language. Like yes I am OK. No, I'll do it later.
Etc

Tararh that's a really difficult situation and there's no clear answer unless both your parents are prepared to change their behaviour. I understand your Mum's frustration but frankly while she responds to him in a nasty way, you can't blame him for 'keeping the volume down'
Shelflife makes an interesting point that not correcting hearing loss by wearing hearing aids has been shown to contribute to cognitive decline. Perhaps you could talk about this with your Dad and see if it makes a difference?

loopyloo NHS hearing aids these days are equally as good as and up to date as private hearing aids.

Funnily enough, his memory is going too. We think he might be going down that path already. What would help you? Is there anything I could do to help my mum?

Tararh Just to say what a lovely person your sound, what a blessing your mother must find you (and, no doubt, your sister) are at this very difficult time.

@monica t
I don't feel like I'm very nice tbh. Im sort of ignoring it because my mum is impossible to talk to. I want to help but just as my dad refuses to hear she won't change her behaviour. Short of me being in total agreement with her she won't engage. I've suggested she stops being his 'ears' as she's enabling him. Also she can't expect him to hear her in busy places, even with aids this is hard. Yet she insists on taking him places. Then he can't hear and she shouts at him and looses her temper. But it triggers me all of this. Im stuck on the middle and can't stand it. It's ruining our relationship.

I live about an hour from them and I dread their visits. I feel quite bitter towards them that they can't sort it out.

I suspect there is some deeper discontent and even if your dad wore hearing aids it wouldn't change your mother's attitude.
Your mum could be suffering from the frustrations of aging, underlying health problems, depression all amplified by your dad's intransigence.
I think you need to tackle this in a different way, could you maybe see your mum alone, have some time out and a heart to heart with her. You probably have to rise above it all as you aren't going to be able to sort it out, mum may benefit from some time away from dad. Good luck - aging parents can be very challenging.

My husband used to not want to wear his and I used to get really annoyed and hoarse as I had to shout. Eventually I just refused to shout any more. I spoke and walked away. If he didn't hear....tough. I also refused to sit and watch TV with him as it was deafening. I would shut myself away in another room with a TV. It took about a week before he gave in. He now happily wears then all day every day.

I'd stay well out of it and be clear to them that its up to them to sort out between themselves and if they are going to visit and behave like children then they are no longer welcome. The caveat to this is if you think that either (or both) are dementing and therefore at risk.

One thing I can say is that an unaddressed hearing loss contributes significantly to the onset of Alzheimer's Disease

My Mum had Alzheimer's disease and my Dad has vascular dementia.
I went for a hearing test for precisely the reason outlined above, although I wasn't aware of any problems.
Turned out I do have some hearing loss in the upper register, so now I have NHS aids.
The main benefit to me currently is that they really help reduce my tinnitus.

I only understood when a friend began wearing hearing aids how difficult it can be for the wearer. She's been through several types and now has some that she can control with her phone. Do talk to your dad about his problem. Badly adjusted and unsuitable hearing aids cause a load more problems than they solve. They don't just magnify the person speaking but sometimes cause all sorts of bother with noises around them. My friend still needs to sit facing us when we have meals out, doesn't like places with background music and has to adjust her hearing aids when she arrives anywhere. It isn't easy.

I had the same problem with my husband, he refused to wear his hearing aids. He was frustrated with them because the batteries did not last very long. He had to keep changing the batteries or the batteries went died when he was wearing the hearing aids.

The new NHS ones are so much better, no longer use batteries, use a charger instead and it is based on mobile phone technology.

One thing you can do to help your mum is to get a pair of tv headphones for your dad. I would recommend getting Sennheiser headphones.

See whether your dad is open to writing to his GP and asking for a hospital referral for a new hearing test and new hearing aids. Perhaps even accompany him to his hospital appointment without your mum.

I finally ‘persuaded’ my husband to wear his hearing aids by refusing to collude in his deafness. As Monica has suggested, I stopped repeating myself, and I stopped interpreting between him and others, so if he didn’t hear what a waiter, or shop assistant, or librarian said, I didn’t repeat it for him, but left him to struggle.

Alongside that, I accumulated lots of evidence that the best way to get used to hearings aids is to wear them all day, as I knew he found the background noises he could hear irritating, and had to practice tuning them out.

And I convinced him to go back to the audiology team at the hospital to tweak his aids a bit.

I wouldn’t have done any of that for my parents though; they could fight their own battles without my interference.

NHS hearing aids these days are equally as good as and up to date as private hearing aids

Sadly, that’s not always the case; different NHS Trusts provide different quality aids.

My other half refused to believe he had a hearing problem and certainly did not want the 'embarrassment' of wearing hearing aids. Eventually he gave in and went to the doctors, had a hearing test and got NHS hearing aids. They are brilliant, you would not know he wears hearing aids.

We put normal sound on TV & subtitles for me

Have had so many problems with my Hearing aids since a supposed upgrade a couple of years ago. First pair were very small & light. The replacements were practically thrown at me & when I said that they were so much bigger & heavier than the older ones I was told that was all I could have. Apparently NHS had combined the smaller ones with the next size to ‘cut costs’!A case of take them or leave them. They are very uncomfortable to wear & do not seem to work as well. Since moving recently I am hoping that I may get more help. Maybe this is a problem your Father has? If something is so uncomfortable to wear & does not seem to make much difference to his hearing he may be put off by this? Hope you get this sorted out soon.

I suggest mediation.

Can your mum divorce him if he refuses to engage with mediation?

Sometimes the only solution is to make decisions which suit yourself, and just live your best life, not being a slave to someone else’s unreasonableness?

Your mum is under no obligation to stay in this horribly abusive situation.

I’d remind her she has her own life ahead of her to lead as she wishes? She’s not a slave.

My husband is the same, as despite having NHS hearing aids because he struggles to hear he still says he doesn’t need them #frustrated muchly!
I too have hearing loss & he has a habit of talking to me when he is in another room or when he is walking away from me so I can’t hear him even though I do wear my hearing aids all the time & find them brilliant especially as my new NHS ones link to my iPhone and iPad so any audio plays directly through my ‘aids giving me a much clearer experience than trying to listen to external speakers. If he’s into music &/or tech this option might be a deal clincher for him to use ‘aids

My DH has hearing aids that have just been upgraded because his hearing had worsened. For a long time he refused to wear any. The TV was up really loud, I kept repeating myself but he still didn’t hear. He became so used to no hearing aides that his brain began to fill in the gaps when he’d heard only one or two words. Eventually I told him how unfair he was being even disturbing the neighbours with the TV on late at night. Eventually, after many months of grumbling, not watching the TV with him and explains how awful it was for anyone trying to communicate with him, he gave in and had some digital hearing aids from the NHS, plus free batteries.

Even these days he’ll try to have a conversation first thing, without his aids! I just tell him we can chat about it when he has his aids in. I just can’t be repeating myself over and over and speaking loudly so he has a chance of hearing.

Just keep at it with your father. It isn’t a comfortable place to be when communication is so difficult.