To tell in-laws about divorce

Leave well alone. It's up to your daughter. You're doing well with that.

Only she knows how much she can cope with and dealing with the MiL and FiL is the sons' problem.

But if he is controlling it will potentially take years...

She probably knows this...

I am sorry for this position you are in. You don't know when and if the divorce will be finalized. Some couples go back and forth with these disputes. It can even take years. Best to not publicize their quarrels with the in-laws and don't push your daughter either way even if you don't like the fellow. Don't encourage or discourage a divorce. Tell her you love her and cannot advise on such a thing. She's a grown woman and a mother. I am sure she will make a sensible choice about her family's future.

NotSpaghetti

But if he is controlling it will potentially take years...

She probably knows this...

So true !

Your daughter sounds like the mature adult in this relationship. Give her self-confidence and compliment her on her mothering skills. Being a mother is a tough job! It makes me angry to hear that someone is "controlling" because he is only controlling her if she allows it.

Yes it would be unreasonable for you to contact them.

It’s up to your daughter and her ‘soon to be ex’ to tell anyone that they are divorcing/separating, not you.

No no no it’s not your business keep well out of it
If his pride won’t let him tell his parents it not your job to intervene
Leave the to sort their own stuff out

Leave well alone

Please stay out of it .

Your daughter is doing her best coping with a divorce .
My sister in law's husband left her twice - once when she was eight months pregnant and she had the joy of her mother in law phoning her up at work and blaming her for her husband's infidelity .
He used to tell his parents all sorts of lies about every aspect of their lives omitting being dismissed from his job .

I wish your daughter a smooth divorce .

Just be there for her .

Leave well alone and support your daughter. Living together in the house with this going on will be so difficult. Young children soon pick up on situations. Not an easy time for her.

Leave well alone. Just make sure that when they do finally find out, they fully realise that it was their son's decision not to tell them and that neither your DD nor any of her family had any sau in his decision.

You will potentially make the situation even more difficult for your D if you say anything.

It's up to him when he tells his parents.

I agree, it is up to your SIL to inform his parents. Just be there for your daughter and your GC. I wished them well.

It’s not for you to mention it to your daughter’s in laws. Just be there for your daughter and grandchildren. The financial arrangements are going to be particularly difficult if your daughter’s husband is not a reliable earner. I know that from experience - it’s the worst part and can take a very long time to finalise.

Difficult dilemma but it’s neither your call nor business to discuss this with anyone let alone in-laws, no- one truly knows what goes on between married couples. If you worried about control just stay close to your daughter and support her and the children.

Your daughter and your son-in-law have made the decision not to inform his parents of their impending divorce. It would have been better if your daughter had not informed you either, but kept her own counsel.
On no account should you take the decision to inform his parents, and you should not inform anyone else either.
It may be that your son-in-law does not wish to alarm his parents until they have reached a joint decision; it is up to your daughter to decide the right time, not you.

I strongly urge you to leave well alone. Her husband may very well blame your daughter and make her situation even more difficult or even unsafe.

Thank you all for the advice which has clarified things for me, the consensus being to do nothing more than continue to support my daughter. I'm appreciative and will follow this advice. Thank you too for your well wishes for my daughter. It has been a shock to find out the level of psychological abuse and control that she has been subjected to but she is calm and strong and I'm so proud of her.

I would stay out of it, they are adults, he doesn’t have to tell his parents anything.

The best thing you can do is support your daughter but for yourself it might be good to write down what you feel about the situation, and put down just what you think of him too and then rip it up. That lets you do something about how you feel and then can be very calm for your daughter.

I have always had an amicable relationship with his parents although they are not nearby and I see them rarely. Would it be unreasonable to message them as if they already knew, in the spirit of supporting each other and maintaining a mature relationship moving forward? Or should I leave well alone and just continue to support my daughter as best I can?

No, leave his parents well out of your messages. Just support your daughter, whilst staying neutral - one never knows the end result in advance.

I agree with others here; keep quiet (as regards informing your SiL's parents) and carry on supporting your DD. From the sound of it, I'd guess that your DD needs to be away from this relationship ASAP, so you may well play a crucial role in helping her to move on with her life. SiL's parents are not your problem.

This is thoughtful advice, thank you.

I know your daughter think she is doing the right thing, but living with a controlling man must make the atmosphere in the house terrible for the children and if I were your daughter I would tell her husband to leave. Let him sort it out with his parents, why should your daughter have to live in such a terrible situation especially with a controlling man who could turn on her and their children at a moments notice.