Unsure of how I should be feeling here

eazybee

^Don’t you wonder how things become a tradition?^
Yes I do, and in my experience it is because one person says 'we always go to....., spend Christmas here, see the family for..........
I know a couple who have been married for over 60 years, and they always spend Christmas, Easter and bank holidays with her parents and her siblings. The parents are dead, one sibling divorced, the grandchildren married but still the tradition continues; the siblings rotate between their houses, but his siblings are totally excluded; if the adult children want to host their parents in their homes they are ignored, being expected to join the siblings, no compromise. The tradition continues.
Another family were torn between two sets of parents who were implacable about hosting Christmas , so the couple had to agree to spend Christmas with their respective parent, taking one grandchild each. This continued for years until finally the grandchildren rebelled, and still neither set of grandparents would compromise, so they stayed at home alone rather than take it in turns.
Very sad.

I know I have asked a question on here before regarding Ch*&£tmas, and how many of us are doing exactly what they want, and so many of us were not, because of family ‘traditions’.
Sometimes it just takes one person to say they want to ‘do their own thing’, and doesn’t mean they mean any harm to others, or want to make them feel excluded.

I agree with other posters on here saying it's not going to be the same holiday for the rest of their lives.
Why are you feeling left out and excluded? They are a family in their own right now and obviously want times away with their children without their parents. Sounds completely normal to me.
I think, without being rude, that you sound quite entitled wanting to control your adult children's holidays and expecting to be invited. Now the children are older they obviously want to explore new places and types of holidays.

I know of people who have just one child & they never see that one other than an odd few hours fitted in here or there .
Or others who go around as a tribe , doing everything together , shipping each week etc , now that odd to me
Another ,when asked if she was around for a visit responded by saying that she did this & this & this on that particular day on an alternate weekly basis & it wasn’t me doing the asking .
Nowt as queer as folk 😋

Not sure what or why you asking then.

Surely it's not what you 'should' be feeling. It's what you are feeling that matters.

eazybee ,

Mm, Thankyou for your response , I have never said to my family ‘ you must or expected them to do certain things ‘
If I have wanted to arrange something generally , I ask each person & will find that it’s a case of others are doing other things as happens in life . Or we choose a date collectively that suits each of us allowing for work, holidays or other commitments.
It actually sounds to me from some of these comments that some people hardly see their families, which is sad , sometimes people are too far away others it just doesn’t happen .
I know of people who have just one child & they never see that one other than an odd few hours fitted in here or there .
Or others who go around as a tribe , doing everything together , shipping each week etc , now that odd to me .
Another ,when asked if she was around for a visit responded by saying that she did this & this & this on that particular day on an alternate weekly basis & it wasn’t me doing the asking .
Knowt as queer as folk 😋

Don’t you wonder how things become a tradition?
Yes I do, and in my experience it is because one person says 'we always go to....., spend Christmas here, see the family for..........
I know a couple who have been married for over 60 years, and they always spend Christmas, Easter and bank holidays with her parents and her siblings. The parents are dead, one sibling divorced, the grandchildren married but still the tradition continues; the siblings rotate between their houses, but his siblings are totally excluded; if the adult children want to host their parents in their homes they are ignored, being expected to join the siblings, no compromise. The tradition continues.
Another family were torn between two sets of parents who were implacable about hosting Christmas , so the couple had to agree to spend Christmas with their respective parent, taking one grandchild each. This continued for years until finally the grandchildren rebelled, and still neither set of grandparents would compromise, so they stayed at home alone rather than take it in turns.
Very sad.

Quote icanhandthemback
I don’t expect to have a holiday with my family every year , I was explaining that by saying what I thought .
And isn’t the whole point of this particular place to be able to ask opinions of others & ,that does not mean I have to like/ love the responses .
Also of course I will prefer the ones that are more ‘understanding’ of my OP ,that’s just the way it is .
I love that there is a general thing of not wanting to be on holiday with me ,isn’t that grand , I may go & pour a G&T , the sun must be over the yard arm somewhere 🤪

Baggs

Have you decided how you are feeling about it all, NanaT? Not how you should feel – there are no shoulds in such cases – but how you actually do feel?

Just curious 🙂

Good response/question.

It is easy to forget we aren't all the same.

People forget they aren't obliged to post on a threa.

Looking at the way you answer people on here, I don't think I'd want to spend a holiday every year with you! I am sure you're a lovely person in real life but on this post, you have asked the question AIBU and when people suggest why it might be, you sound offended. The only people you aren't snippy with are those who are very sympathetic. I'm not saying this to be nasty but maybe a bit of self reflection could ensure that you aren't unintentionally giving the same message to your children.

eazybee

I think most people take their children, grandchildren on holiday because they want to, not to set up a family tradition that will continue and be reciprocal.

eazybee

Don’t you wonder how things become a tradition?
Anyway , just saying , I’ll let you all point your criticisms elsewhere

It never occurred to me to be invited by family. Each family group does their own thing. What we all do is take lots of photos to share around and talk about what we did. I think we went on one holiday as a big group which wasn't particularly good but not particularly bad. It was just that we were all different with various ideas and have kept it all separate every since and it's worked out well.

You seem to have set what you view as a family tradition, doesn't mean all were enamored with it. They may have gone along as it was convenient. As others have said, some family traditions are nightmares but are tolerated. Some in your group have grown up, others circumstances may have changed eg more or less money, want to see other areas of the world. Let them go, develop your own new tradition.

Nanig

Hi
Is there a post on Gransnet somewhere that explains all the initials please. DD DH DC GC etc

Just scroll to the top of the page. Under the blue words "Gransnet Forums" there is a list of headings. Click on "Acronyms" and there is an explanation for each of them.

There is somewhere, I believe.
It's not expected that you use them, though.

Usually the word "dear" put in front of whoever it is you're referring to dh = dear husband.

That kind of thing.

Hi
Is there a post on Gransnet somewhere that explains all the initials please. DD DH DC GC etc

Baggs
Thank you for your kindness

Twig14
Have an absolutely amazing time with them making lots of memories .
Thank you for your kind words

I'm glad you are beginning to feel over it, NanaT. I hope the feeling of upset fades. All the best.

Sorry how upset you feel but at least you spent many happy holidays with your GC. During Covid we didn’t see our GC or family for three years. It’s a blessing when we do see them which is just once a year when they fly over from across the world. I know that they are heavily involved with their other grandparents who live nearby to them but nothing we can do. I’m happy because they arrive tomorrow for a couple of lovely weeks together. Just get on with things not worth being upset.

Helenlouise3

I have 2 children and 6 grandchildren. We've taken all the grandchildren abroad often -the youngest 2, 11 & 12 will be coming with us next week. Every Christmas until covid I catered for all the family here. However the eldest are now 24, 22 and 18 and times have changed. They now all call on Christmas morning for an hour or so and then leave to do their own thing. I don't see as much of them throughout the year, but I don't expect to, as they have their own lives. My husband & I go away a lot and don't usually tell the children until we've booked. We've babysat loads over the years, but aren't needed any more. If either of our children asked us to go away with them, then we'd jump at the chance. In the meantime we fill our lives with other things and look forward to seeing them whenever we can

I feel the same apart from going away with them now, no interest at all. We've taken them all over the world, it's our time.

NanaTuesday, I hope you come to a happy conclusion. I do find it sad when other people feel unhappy.

Helenlouise3

I have 2 children and 6 grandchildren. We've taken all the grandchildren abroad often -the youngest 2, 11 & 12 will be coming with us next week. Every Christmas until covid I catered for all the family here. However the eldest are now 24, 22 and 18 and times have changed. They now all call on Christmas morning for an hour or so and then leave to do their own thing. I don't see as much of them throughout the year, but I don't expect to, as they have their own lives. My husband & I go away a lot and don't usually tell the children until we've booked. We've babysat loads over the years, but aren't needed any more. If either of our children asked us to go away with them, then we'd jump at the chance. In the meantime we fill our lives with other things and look forward to seeing them whenever we can

Exactly , I would also jump at the chance

Baggs

Have you decided how you are feeling about it all, NanaT? Not how you should feel – there are no shoulds in such cases – but how you actually do feel?

Just curious 🙂

Baggs.
Thanks for asking of course I did , which is why I posted .
I felt upset , despite understanding, being understanding & having the grace to accept that things what happens .
Let’s get this straight , we have one parent who never invites , makers arrangements , goes on holiday with someone or in his own . Doesn’t really see his extended family . All his choice .
Both of us attend all “ our family events “ mostly organised by myself or eldest DD . How am I being felt to be in the wrong for being upset . 😢
I am over it actually as it is as it is . However, all these different responses are making me out to be some kind of organisational ogre !
Having to be the one in control .

I have 2 children and 6 grandchildren. We've taken all the grandchildren abroad often -the youngest 2, 11 & 12 will be coming with us next week. Every Christmas until covid I catered for all the family here. However the eldest are now 24, 22 and 18 and times have changed. They now all call on Christmas morning for an hour or so and then leave to do their own thing. I don't see as much of them throughout the year, but I don't expect to, as they have their own lives. My husband & I go away a lot and don't usually tell the children until we've booked. We've babysat loads over the years, but aren't needed any more. If either of our children asked us to go away with them, then we'd jump at the chance. In the meantime we fill our lives with other things and look forward to seeing them whenever we can

Your grand children have probably out grown those wee trips I know mine all have so much going on in their personal lives and spend more time with their friends. It won't be long before they will want to stop going on holiday with parents. Just all part of growing up and we have to accept it I'm afraid.

I brought my son up on my own. Not once have I been invited to holiday with him and his family (children now 7 and 5) and when I visit them (which is very rarely these days) I have to stay in a nearby hotel as "they have no room" ! They only visit me 'en route to somewhere else'. All very hurtful but I'm so used to it by now I try and rise above it and get on with my life!