I feel like we're parenting our grandchildren and I'm finding that I don't want to do it anymore.

What on earth would these parents do if their own parents didnt take on so much childcare?

Can they really not afford to pay childminders, because a lot of the people I know are single parents and they pay childcare costs.

Some pay almost all of their wages during school holidays, but they manage.

YANBU at all. I do sympathise though. I had my eldest GS for 3 days a week from 9 months old when my daughter went back to work. And like you, I felt like the parent, not the GP. And was exhausted. In the end I told her I could only do 2 days and he went to nursery for the 3rd day. The upside is he's now 17 and we're still very close but I found it really hard at the time.. and I was 16 years younger than I am now. I also did a lot of overnights. With the others, I still pick 2 up from school 3 days a week and help in the holidays. I find the constant clock watching and restriction on our time , having to plan everything in advance as we're needed for childcare a little annoying. Cooking twice 3 evenings a week, ( The kids eat early) once for the GC and later for us is tiring but its impossible say no as it's a necessity so my daughter can work. No other GP involved in childcare for my daughters kids. Thousands of GP are sadly in the same position and I really don't know what the answer is. It takes the joy out of what should be a beautiful relationship. But before resentment builds, it's best to say how hard you find it now

I've read the responses to the OP with great interest as I am in a similar position. My advice would be to think carefully about what actually makes you happy in life and whether you might regret potentially cutting off the regular contact you currently have with both the grandchildren and your AC. Cutting back on the time when the parents are not at work is one thing but if they genuinely need you then you are going to hurt them if you withdraw and that will have consequences.
I regularly do a day or two on my own at DD's and take total responsibility for 3 GC aged 9, 6 and 3. The youngest has epilepsy and complex needs. DD and I know I won't be able to do this forever but despite the travelling (150 miles round trip), overnight stay every week, plenty of cheek and tantrums from the older two, usual mother/daughter tensions and her partner who struggles with me being there so often but has no choice, I plan to do this for as long as I can as I believe I would be far unhappier if I was to stop.
For me it comes down to this - I value my relationships with my 3 AC very highly and I really can only be as happy as my unhappiest child it seems. This family do need my support and there is great satisfaction in still being very useful and capable. I am involved in the parenting (that I try to keep within the guidelines set by DD). This brings its stresses but I have a very special bond with my GC. The other Grandma (who has become a good friend of mine) only sees them on high days and holidays and doesn't know them in the same way as they almost play a part when she sees them. I know she prefers this - we are all different...
Anyway be careful what you ask for as more free time, holidays and travelling are not always guaranteed to make you happy....Good luck

You pay for the two holidays you go on with them each year! They really are taking the p***. Surely you can, then, afford to take a 'special holiday' for yourselves, preferably with a stretch of ocean between you and the family. I was a young(ish) granny when I was presented with DGD 1, and was too busy (and, by that time, single) to undertake a caring role though I took her and her half brother for outings at weekends when I could. Other GC grew up 150 miles away - there is a lot to be said for distance 'lending enchantment'. Parents paid for nursery care and/or childminders and their careers have not, in any way, suffered. Now, in old age, I have five adult GC with whom I have - dare I say - a more loving relationship than if I'd taken a quasi-parental role.

I think you need to cut right back after the holiday and make it a maximum of so many hours a week that suits you and you can manage and enjoy . The holiday is booked so you're a bit stuck with that is it term time ? Or can you get them booked into daily activities to lighten the load ?

PS there is no shame in finding children difficult to control . Childcare is a special skill that has to be learned.

The bottom line is that if you can't control the children don't have them at all as it's dangerous for the kids to be uncontrolled. Tell the parents so even if this spoils their holiday.

On the other hand if you can control the children then do so whenever they are in your charge

Tell the children's parents as calmly as possible, that you are not able to cope with child-care any longer. You simply feel too old and tired. Give them a month or so to sort something else out.

Your grandchildren are not your responsibility, however much you love them.

It all sounds grossly unfair to put you under such pressure. One day a week might be helpful but nothing more unless it's a special occasion I suggest. You have a life too katienana1

Another post of support for you. I don’t think it’s about how much you have or haven’t done in the past compared to the other GPs. Or whether it’s ’too much’ for you. It’s about whether you want to do the childcare. You clearly don’t and that’s absolutely fine. They are your grandchildren not your children and so you're not expected to do any childcare. They have been imo, taking advantage of you. If the parents don’t like it, frankly that’s tough. They will find a way through it all and that’s how it is when you’re bringing up a family. I was in a very similar position and eventually I spoke my mind to clarify things. We will only have the gc if there is an emergency. It didn’t go down well at first…..but after a few weeks, I think they realised we have a life to lead as well and we aren’t just there for their convenience. The world didn’t stop revolving. We still see the gc but we can enjoy our retirement. And why shouldn’t you….

I do lots of childcare, 8 GC but some are pretty well grown up now so it is the littler ones I am currently looking after.

I have one rule that was not up for discussion and my children and their partners agreed and that was "granny's house granny's rules." Now I didn't do anything outrageous, it wasn't healthy eating at home and ice cream and CocaCola at granny's but on a reasonable basis they followed my rules in my house. I think it is about respect, I respect they are the parents and they respect that if I am doing freechildcare for a considerable time then if I want to say sit at the table for meals, always remember please and thank you, no fighting then that is fair enough.

The big thing for me is I enjoy it and that is clearly not the case for OP.

I can understand your reticence in raiding this with your adult children as you don't want to rock the bock, but if you do t you are the Enabler of the ongoing arrangements .

Work out want you are prepared to do, going forwards, and then raise this with your adult children when they get back from their special holiday and give them reasonable notice if you decide you wish to reduce the child care.

Don't mention the other GPs at all. You will have to explain why but keep this as neutral as possible, e.g the children are getting more demanding as they are getting older, you are getting older and you are getting too tired etc. you can offer emergency back up, if you wish, but stick to your guns on any routine arrangements otherwise it may make you ill.

Only you can sort this out. If it’s too much say. You are being taken for granted as they can’t manage their own children. Why do you keep saying yes to their demands. this 6 day break for example, Let them take their own children and bond with them somewhere cheaper, and you go away and treat yourself. Are you frightened to say no in case you wont be seeing them at all if you do? Only you can alter this. I would just say, I've got to stop the child care, i can’t cope anymore and feel worn out

In some respects it is not your concern what the other GP do. But I can see if they indulge them and buy them a toy on every visit, this creates a pattern in the mind of the children.

I think unless there are boundaries and consistency, the children are going to become demanding and unpleasant.

I agree with Monica's post above. Just tell the parents they need to make new childcare arrangements because you can't continue any more and don't be dissuaded. Stick to your guns.
Sounds like you and your husband would benefit from a good holiday yourselves so why not take yourselves off for a couple of weeks?
I really don't understand why some parents today want to go on holiday without their little children.

It is tiring having GCs and as so often happens- what starts as one morning or day per week is gradually increased until you have no time for yourself .
We have been in that situation where originally it was an occasional school pick up for one GC but has now morphed into five GCs needing care either before school starting with breakfast at 7 a.m. and pick ups after school and our days restricted because of school hours.
Often this would have an extra request dropped in at the desperate last minute so we were often covering five days a week because the other GPs were unavailable.
This school year, we have restricted the childcare to three days per week for the five GCs who are in three different schools/nursery - one of which is two minutes walk and the other involves car trips. This is more manageable and allows us to have time to ourselves in retirement. One lot of GCs are cared for at home by DH and the others by me in their own home until parents arrive.
We do limited childcare in the holidays and if we have plans for our holidays or weekends/nights away the AC's are told and they make other arrangements. Their children - their problem!
We have faced the same issues as you have regarding parenting which has been difficult as the parenting styles of both sets of the ACs are very different.
In the end, we decided that when in our care then our rules apply regardless of what their parents do. It makes life much easier all round and whatever the other GPs do is their business but it won't affect what we do.
But in your case your GCs seem to be heading towards being unmanageable for you when in your care. You need to decide what is or isn't acceptable and stick to it however unpopular it may make you.
Pick your battles and don't give in to these children and their tantrums. They think that having a tantrum will get them what they want - it won't - if you are firm with them.

Finally start being selfish for yourself. Plan things you want to do and when you want to do them and pass the information on to your ACs - nothing wrong with being flexible but don't allow yourself to be taken for granted.

You have enabled this. Time you put your foot down, tell them you can't do it any longer, they are taking advantage of your kindness.

No advice as it's been said by others but I do know it's not as simple as it sounds to make the changes needed. This is our story too....good luck!

Time to put yourselves first and think about your health!
It's obviously too tiring for you.
The parents need to find a nanny to look after their children or one of them will have to either quit their job or wfh, or both go part-time wfh.
Please talk to your DC & darling-child-in-law and let them know, ASAP, that you can't do this any more as it's not good for your health!!

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I agree that whatever the other grandparents do is not really relevant to what is happening with your life. How you have agreed to look after the children to allow the parents to go away I do not know but I think they are exceedingly selfish and self centred not to see or think how much they are asking of you. I think that if you feel you really have to stick to having them during this holiday time then have someone in to help with them and get the parent s to pay for it too. But more importantly I think you need to have a clear break and then start a new way of living. To that end could you go away for a few weeks? So maybe one of the cheap trips abroad where you could get some sunshine and rest, and be away from everything which would give you time to think things out. ? Or arrange to go and visit a couple of friends who live a long way away or go b and b for a trip down to devon or something that you would enjoy. It would allow you to have time to yourselves and think about what you enjoy doing together and what you feel you could cope with.? Then when you have made your own minds up you could go back and have a talk with the parents and tell them what you are prepared to do and that should definitely NOT include 11 hour days!! Whilst there may be times when you have to be an emergency help, it should not be a constant pattern. You are losing the pleasure of time with your grandchildren, where you have your own relationship and are seen as people who stop them doing what they want. Well it is time for you to remember that you have a life together and to make the most of it and that doesnt include being doormats for your children. Say NO to this arrangement and stick to your guns. Take up hobbies and classes and be unavailable for endless childminding and get back to enjoying short times with your grandchildren and going out to the park or such like when they will remember what fun it is to be with you.

pascal30

Why are you paying for their holidays and parenting their children?? Let them grow up.. and start taking responsibility for both their own lives and their children.. let them find a childminder...

You are certainly not being unreasonable, so need to speak to your AC. They are being unbelievably selfish.

You have got yourself into this and it can only continue if you allow it. I find just reading what you do for this couple exhausting,! Just what are your son and daughter in law doing themselves for their offspring, it’s seems not a lot. They seem very entitled. I feel sorry for the children to be honest. If you don’t voice your opinions now I don’t see these selfish parents ever wanting to stop this.

YANBU if you are finding the childcare too much. We have had our grandchildren one day a week since they were born and have loved it. We are also looking forward to not having them now the youngest starts school next week! We occasionally babysit and have had done short holidays all together. We are currently away with just the children this week - our choice although we are looking forward to the peace and quiet this weekend. We are all different but you should tell them if the childcare is now too much for you. They are responsible for bringing up their children not you. Don’t feel guilty.

You don't know what is round the corner. What happens if your or your husband's health declines? What time have you had just enjoying time together doing things, going places without grandkids in tow? It's totally selfish of your DD and her DH to continue to think it's ok to offload THEIR kids onto you. You've done your bit raising your own kids, why should you be expected to raise theirs too but as long as you say nothing, they're not going to rock their comfortable boat are they?
I've often found that the more you do for some people, the more they expect it unfortunately