Why won't some people accept help?

Elrel

Rekarie - A local fire station hosts regular sessions for hoarders run by a psychotherapist. If you do decide to report the dangerous state of your friend’s home it would surely be confidential. At least you could ask for advice.

But again, the hoarder has got to see their hoarding as a problem, to seek even this kind of help.

I have a friend who teeters on the edge of hoarding. She is wealthy, and has always been an almost compulsive shopper. Last time we stayed with her, once we had made our way through the weed strewn doorstep, there was nowhere for us to sit until chairs had been cleared, we ate on our laps because the table was loaded with stuff,

Our bedroom and the bathroom were clear, but she has a cleaner, who has been with her for 30 plus years, and it is the cleaner who keeps her at 'teeter' rather than wholehearted hoarding.

Some years ago she bought a tiny 2up/2down cottage in her home town, again she has a cleaner there, as well. Last time we went there for a weeks holiday, we lived out of our suitcases because every cupboard and drawer in the bedroom, and they were many were stuffed to the gills. In the kitchen we counted enough china to supply a street party, she had enogh for a party of 20.

I now no longer visit her, although she is a regular visitor to us. I hate disorder, I cannot cope with visual clutter, visiting her makes me feel ill and disorientated.

Rekarie - A local fire station hosts regular sessions for hoarders run by a psychotherapist. If you do decide to report the dangerous state of your friend’s home it would surely be confidential. At least you could ask for advice.

Sorry about the double post.

A square peg can't be bashed into a round hole - not without damaging both, anyway. Some people imagine that they're entitled to be the centre of attention and, as a result, they draw heavily on the goodwill of others. Some people are so fiercely independent that it can seem like downright selfishness (which is a contradiction in terms, surely?). We all have to rub along together and, imho anyway, a good way to achieve that is to make allowances and try to resist the urge to impose our standards on people who clearly don't want them. It's hard having a relative or friend whose need for help seems obvious to us. However, as long as they aren't mentally disabled, the way they live just has to be their own choice.

Exactly MOnica , my mother is a hoarder and always has been . She doesn’t throw anything out and says it’s due to her being a war child , although her two siblings aren’t hoarders.
In my childhood home it didn’t seem as issue as the house was a large house with plenty of space .The extent of her hoarding became apparent when she downsized to a two bedroom flat . All the surfaces and floor are covered with stuff . You can’t dust or hoover . I’ve offered to help her but she refuses as she doesn’t think she has problem . All her stuff on the floor is a trip hazard and she has poor mobility but she can’t see the problem nor the fire risk with papers and magazines and plastic food containers piled up on her hob.
A fire safety officer and district nurses have all expressed concern but she still won’t accept help. She’s always been very stubborn.
I’m my mothers carer and I’m there 3 times a week and I’ve accepted that’s how she is.

The answer to the OP's question: Why won't some people accept help? is quite simple, they do not consider that they need help.

Why won't some people accept help?

Because they don't want help, don't feel they need help, and find help invasive. I never want help with anything. I well understand.

I was reading something the other day about people not accepting help. t can be linked to your emotional needs not being met in childhood

I hoard and it was caused by trauma. Luckily my husband keeps me in check but I still keep too much 'stuff' and I lie to him about purchases. My house isn't dirty though but it is cluttered

RosiesMaw2

When does independence cross that line into stubbornness?
A friend and I once “blitzed” a mutual older friend’s kitchen and gave the house a quick Hoover while she was in hospital after a heart attack.
It was done with the best of intentions, neither of us particularly houseproud, we just meant to make it nice for her to come home to, living alone.
Big mistake
She clearly felt we were commenting on her lack of housekeeping skills (true, bless her, she would do anything for anybody but put herself at the end of the list) and we had unintentionally really hurt her feelings. 🙁🙁🙁

i think her reaction was perfectly understandable and predictable.
nor is it being stubborn.

Well thank goodness she had such a lovely caring neighbour like yourself Primrose... compassionate without being interfering..

The answer to the OP's question: Why won't some people accept help? is quite simple, they do not consider that they need help.

Hoarding Disorder is now a recognised mental health disorder.

There were a series of tv programmes some years ago with a wonderfully gently and compassionate psychotherapist called Stelios Kiosses.

What I remember from the series his kindness and gentleness with those he helped. Other horder programmes seemed much less kind and more going for drama and being cruel to be kind. Not always the best policy.

When does independence cross that line into stubbornness?
A friend and I once “blitzed” a mutual older friend’s kitchen and gave the house a quick Hoover while she was in hospital after a heart attack.
It was done with the best of intentions, neither of us particularly houseproud, we just meant to make it nice for her to come home to, living alone.
Big mistake
She clearly felt we were commenting on her lack of housekeeping skills (true, bless her, she would do anything for anybody but put herself at the end of the list) and we had unintentionally really hurt her feelings. 🙁🙁🙁

Search hoarding in this Independent Age link. www.independentage.org/?_gl=1*xuw0oi*_up*MQ..*_ga*ODQwOTM5ODc1LjE3MjU3MDM4NjE.*_ga_TGBBW3PC3T*MTcyNTcwMzg2MC4xLjAuMTcyNTcwMzg2MC4wLjAuMA..

In the case of genuine hoarding, I dare say the person would see any offered help as a maybe well-meaning but interfering person, bent on making them throw their precious items away.

With my friend a further problem is she won't let anyone in the house. So the house is basically falling to pieces around her.

It's not due to embarrassment, it's due to her perception that everyone is filthy. Doesn't matter who it is. The fact that her house is filthy doesn't bother her because she says that it's her filth so that doesn't count.

She has a daughter who lives down south who she doesn't see very often. Daughter won't stay in the house because it's so horrendous.

It's a quandary because as most say, and I agree, it's her life and she can live how she wants but I really don't want her to fall down and refuse to call an ambulance. Also, the fire risk is so huge and she'd not be able to get out easily. Front door is completely blocked up.

I've heard that the fire service should be informed about residences like this but not sure if it's true. I'd be reluctant to report her anyway

It's a very sorry situation

You cannot do anything unless the person who owns the property gives permission for you to enter. The mantra. is frequently 'we can manage' but is driven by fear of being dependant on others and losing control.Authorities face the same problem. A very sad situation.

I think people can get overwhelmed, particularly as they get older or less able, then, knowing (or fearing) that others will judge they limit the number of visitors, which allows them more scope to let things lapse further, and so it goes on.

Insisting on helping (or seeing interference as ‘helping’) is only going to make things worse if not handled very carefully.

I can fully understand that.
It takes every last bit of my energy to try and keep tidy indoors, and it doesn't always happen.

In the case of the lady with the horses it does not sound like hording as such. Rather that she was frail, tired and had poor mobility. Instead of putting things away she probably just dumped them on a table or surface. Then other things got dumped on tope and so on. Eventually there were so many piles of clutter covered in dust that she just left it as the easiest option. Perhaps she could see no value to her in clearing up the mess.

I have a friend I've known since school who is living in horrendous conditions.

She sends me photos and I've no idea what to say . It's worse than many one seen on the TV shows.

She has been diagnosed with OCD. She won't let anyone in her house. She has problems with electrics, rotten windows, kitchen falling to pieces. She leaves her oven door open for heat in winter.

Very difficult to discuss it with her. She thinks she's fine. So I don't say anything.

But it's an absolute fire trap which I've told her about but she's unwilling to do anything.

Very sad indeed

If an offer of help is refused either politely or with hostility then obviously it was seen not as a kindness, but as interference.

If a friend or relative is living in dangerously insanitary conditions, or risking their home burning due to unsafe electrical wiring or the like, then I would feel obliged to try to point that out to them, and offer my help.

But unless the person in question is exhibiting symptoms of diminished responsibility that is really all we can do.

"One man's meat is another man's poison" after all.

I do not take kindly to unsolicited advice from friends or relatives , do you?

Are you really sure your help would make the person's life easier?

Grammaretto

I find some houses too tidy and empty of any character. One DS and DiL have a tendency to be ultra minimalist. Nothing is left lying about unlike my cluttered domain where everything is out waiting to be finished, written, eaten, worn or just put away.

I don't think I am a hoarder but others may consider that I am.

I have a helper staying with me who is trying to rid me of unwanted clutter of years.
So I can accept help. Phew!

I remember years ago clearing everything out before we decorated the sitting room and dining room and had new carpets fitted. We just put the minimum of furniture back before we had a good sort-out.
My neighbour popped in and asked if we were 'going for the minimalist look' and I admit it look quite stylish.
Then most of it went back. 🤔

No need to worry if you think your helper helps grammaretto.
I am too sentimental but my stuff is all put away. Well most of it is. I wish I had a helpful helper to encourage me.