Why won't some people accept help?

I know you mean well, but people can’t impose help on others. So long as they are not a danger to themselves or others (a fine line at times, I know) it is personal choice if they want to live in squalor. Whose standards determine what is acceptable? To exaggerate for effect, should we be able to ‘drop by’ to plump up cushions if a relative seems incapable of doing it themselves?

It’s difficult. I have a relative who should probably be in care, but she has mental capacity and refuses. Physically she is very frail, but the choice has to be hers, however hard it is to watch her struggle. The alternative is to have state intervention in our personal lives and rules about how we should live in our own homes.

Hoarding, according to some psychologists, is a sign of previous unresolved trauma.

It is a unrecognised outward sign of inner turmoil, a cry for help but also like an addiction.

Does this person go out and have activities outside the home?
I suggest not going in the house at all but offer to take this person for a coffee or a meal out or even just a short walk maybe once a week?

There isn't much you can do to change this person's mindset and their home is their home, however unlivable it may seem to others.

Just be a good friend to this person and who knows, they may even start to open up?

Hoarding is a complicated mental issue which cannot be resolved easily. The person has an attachment to the stuff and bizarrely sees everything as important and even essential. The thought of throwing anything out is very disturbing to them. There have been TV programmes where people go in and start the process with them bit by bit. These may be professionals who understand their mental struggles.

I would suggest you chat gently first about how difficult it must be living with that mess, hoping they will agree it would be easier if the place was cleared. When you feel they are in the right head space and actually do want to improve things, then suggest a few things which could go. Baby steps. If they have a mess in the kitchen then maybe start there. Even that could be difficult if they have old tins of food they want to keep. You will find it a huge challenge and need endless patience. I suggest you try and find some TV programmes about hoarders to get an idea of what needs to be done, but you will need professional help if the problem is bad.

I think it's down to deep-rooted mental health issues and that's a minefield. They cannot possibly be content to live that way and yet something very complex is blocking them from seeking or accepting help that's offered.
I've watched some of those video clips concerning hoarders and time and again they bring up the word "shame".

They require psychiatric assistance to untangle the reasons they got there in the first place otherwise they may just start all over again if well-meaning relatives clear it all up thinking "sorted!".......only to witness the junk piling up once more.

If you are really concerned you should maybe contact Adult Social Care.

Yes, excessive hoarding is a MH issue and would require careful handling.

We by no means live in squalor, our house is clean and relatively tidy but I know we have far too much unnecessary stuff which needs a grand declutter.
However, were anyone else, however well meaning, to try to cull our belongings, I know I'd get rather anxious.

It requires very sensitive handling.

I totally get the frustration, but it doesn’t help.

I found information on the Mind and Hoarders Support websites helpful. Also there is an organisation in Merseyside called Hoarders helping Hoarders which is may be of use to you - taking a guess here from your name.

It’s so hard to live alongside hoarding, but I found it helped me to keep patient if I visualised my own reaction when my mother visited me once and I found her running a finger along the door lintel, checking for dust. I’m not proud that I was absolutely furious (not that she ever knew she’d been spotted!) but it has been a useful moment to refer back to when I have been a visitor in a hoarder’s home.

I look at 'things' and think "I wonder if that's worth a bob or two?" but none of is probably worth twopence.

I had a relative who would say to some people "I have jewellery".
In reality, when she died, her son went to find out what it was worth. It turned out to be tat.

Whether my reltaive knew that or not, I dont know.

Some good answers on here.

There are all sorts of situations where people would like to help someone else, but people do not want to receive the help. For whatever reason.

I used to enjoy that hoarders programme - not to see the owner deeply distressed by the clearance, but to try and understand what kicked it all off in the first place.
Yes, it is a MH issue, often with deep seated roots. The subject always seemed to be pleased with the end result, vowing not to let it get out of hand again, but I often wondered what happened a couple of years later.

Does anyone remember Mr Trebus the Polish man. His home was filled with stuff of no monetary value but it was valuable to him.
He ended up in a care home and seened very happy. It was a long time ago but I havnt forgotten him.

silverlining48

Does anyone remember Mr Trebus the Polish man. His home was filled with stuff of no monetary value but it was valuable to him.
He ended up in a care home and seened very happy. It was a long time ago but I havnt forgotten him.

He died shortly after moving into the home, he missed all his possessions

Oh I didn’t remember that he died soon after his move. Yes he will have missed his possessions.

silverlining48

Does anyone remember Mr Trebus the Polish man. His home was filled with stuff of no monetary value but it was valuable to him.
He ended up in a care home and seened very happy. It was a long time ago but I havnt forgotten him.

I remember him. His hoarding had probably stemmed from the fact of living through extremely hard times and therefore not wasting or throwing away anything that night possibly come in useful.

I loved MrTrebus. I have a tear in my eye just remembering him. Also the lovely man at the Council who was so polite and respectful to him. So patient too.

A lot of people think it’s a mental condition but I think-in some cases they just get overwhelmed.

A lady who used to live near us had horses which she adored. She became ill but only had one daughter who lived several hours away. Because we had horses too she asked if we would check on hers sometimes which we did. She was so ill and slept a lot but might wake up at at night and would scoot down to the field in her nightdress on an ancient bike with no pedals.

As she got worse she would ring me with a shopping list and ask me to leave it on the back step. I always did and would shout through to her if she was not around. One day I got no answer and feared she might be dead. The kitchen was full of bags of horse feed, wellies, dirty plates, leftovers, tack, old coats etc. I called out several times then went through to a hallway and knocked on a door which was slightly ajar. She asked me not to come in as she was ashamed. I promised not to but could see it was just like those you see on TV.

I said if she could manage to get up I would call back in an hour. She did so and we phoned her daughter and explained how ill she was and she agreed to drive up next day.

She was then admitted to hospital, the horses were signed over to RSPCA and she died in hospital. Her daughter showed me photos of her Mum as a young and beautiful, immaculately dressed air stewardess which made me feel very sad.

In later life she had a rundown house, 3 horses, little money and a daughter she seldom saw and was totally overwhelmed so she literally never tidied up, never sought help, avoided seeing a doctor and just curled up like a mouse buried in all the mess.

In the hoarding programmes, there is always some event that started the issue, even if it was years before.

I can understand why...

That's such a sad story Primrose. I guess few people have a happy ending to their lives. It is nearly always a story with a sad ending. 😢

I find some houses too tidy and empty of any character. One DS and DiL have a tendency to be ultra minimalist. Nothing is left lying about unlike my cluttered domain where everything is out waiting to be finished, written, eaten, worn or just put away.

I don't think I am a hoarder but others may consider that I am.

I have a helper staying with me who is trying to rid me of unwanted clutter of years.
So I can accept help. Phew!

No need to worry if you think your helper helps grammaretto.
I am too sentimental but my stuff is all put away. Well most of it is. I wish I had a helpful helper to encourage me.

Grammaretto

I find some houses too tidy and empty of any character. One DS and DiL have a tendency to be ultra minimalist. Nothing is left lying about unlike my cluttered domain where everything is out waiting to be finished, written, eaten, worn or just put away.

I don't think I am a hoarder but others may consider that I am.

I have a helper staying with me who is trying to rid me of unwanted clutter of years.
So I can accept help. Phew!

I remember years ago clearing everything out before we decorated the sitting room and dining room and had new carpets fitted. We just put the minimum of furniture back before we had a good sort-out.
My neighbour popped in and asked if we were 'going for the minimalist look' and I admit it look quite stylish.
Then most of it went back. 🤔

If an offer of help is refused either politely or with hostility then obviously it was seen not as a kindness, but as interference.

If a friend or relative is living in dangerously insanitary conditions, or risking their home burning due to unsafe electrical wiring or the like, then I would feel obliged to try to point that out to them, and offer my help.

But unless the person in question is exhibiting symptoms of diminished responsibility that is really all we can do.

"One man's meat is another man's poison" after all.

I do not take kindly to unsolicited advice from friends or relatives , do you?

Are you really sure your help would make the person's life easier?

I have a friend I've known since school who is living in horrendous conditions.

She sends me photos and I've no idea what to say . It's worse than many one seen on the TV shows.

She has been diagnosed with OCD. She won't let anyone in her house. She has problems with electrics, rotten windows, kitchen falling to pieces. She leaves her oven door open for heat in winter.

Very difficult to discuss it with her. She thinks she's fine. So I don't say anything.

But it's an absolute fire trap which I've told her about but she's unwilling to do anything.

Very sad indeed

In the case of the lady with the horses it does not sound like hording as such. Rather that she was frail, tired and had poor mobility. Instead of putting things away she probably just dumped them on a table or surface. Then other things got dumped on tope and so on. Eventually there were so many piles of clutter covered in dust that she just left it as the easiest option. Perhaps she could see no value to her in clearing up the mess.