Is my husband tactless or cruel?

I've read all the comments, and want to say a huge thank you. So much warm wisdom.

I think you are very fragile at the moment, understandably. Your husband behaved tactlessly out of concern and your boys probably do not need protecting as much as you think they do. He should not have said they don't care enough but I doubt he will again.
You seem to want to handle everything in your own but your husband probably feels concerned and at a bit of a loss how to help you.

It sounds like the combination of grieving and recovering from covid has made you super sensitive, not surprisingly.. I think your husband is possibly also needing support at the moment. perhaps just talk calmly to him.. He sounds like he cares..

You've been unwell for some time so it would seem that your husband feels that it's time that your sons were aware of the situation. They may be busy but they are old enough to be aware and offer some support to you both. It's unrealistic to try to protect them.

grandtanteJE65

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

They are his step sons.

grandtanteJE65

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

I think they are his stepsons. They are in their 30s and OP and her husband have been married 17 years. Pluscghe OP said she was on her own with sons for many years. I might be wrong and apologies if I am.

Either way I think he has the right to have a word with the sons/stepsons if he chooses to for the right reasons.

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

Maybe some things to think about:
1. Why do you think his actions were in your words to " try to undermine my security re my boys?

2. Why should his actions undermine your security or your boys? Your sons being told the truth doesnt equal undermined security does it?

3. Why are you treating your sons as children rather than grown adults?

4. Have your sons been thoughtless when they know you are bereaved ..they didnt need that spelt out to them to know it? Are you excusing them that thoughtlessness .. is that reasonable without at least being honest with them that you are struggling?

5. Is someone in their 30's "young" and just allowed/expected to be selfish?

6. Is someone in their 30s "young" in
the sense of needing to be protected
from the realities of life like their
Mum needing some support?

7. Does the fact they are dealing with other things mean that even though they care you should deprive them of the chance to make THEIR OWN decisions about what support they can give you?

8. Your husband is dealing with the dog worries. Whether he told you or not he is taking that "job" off your hands and doing the right thing for the dog! Clearly he thought he told you. What do you want to happen in relation to this?

I hope you can get through this. You have sons who care and who are adults and a husband who cares. 💐

In your own words your boys 'are you and selfish' but you balk at your husband for letting them know you're ill, what's the problem here?

He may have mentioned the lumps on the dog and it's gone right over your head because you're ill and still grieving!

Give the bloke a chance!!

I apologise for the comments I made, but there were reasons for my post.
I have also experienced the loss of a close sibling recently, but I lost my husband too so have no one to help me out in these matters.
I'm now of the understanding your DH is not the father of your sons, and so that may colour the family relationships you have.
I don't have a dog either, but can understand that when lumps appear it would be a worry. Did you not notice the lumps yourself?
My motivation in responding was simply to sort out if your post was genuine, because sometimes it is hard to tell.
Now I know it was I wish you well.

I think a lot of men need to do something when they are upset. In his way he is calling your sons to action when he sees you upset and ill.

I hope you can see this as his way of trying to help you, and I hope you start feeling better soon.

you say 'he has no idea why you are upset and hurt'

Well tell him then

The truth is, i think we are all feeling for you in your current situation but we are also aware that even very close and loving adult children can be thoughtless sometimes.

I expect he commented out of frustration.
He cares for you and is probably feeling useless and afraid too.

Just try to set it aside and get well.

I am definitely not a bot. Just a human who is usually pretty private.
I think the nuance is hard to convey. My problem isn't that my husband messaged the boys. It's that he chose to tell me how thoughtless they were, at a time when I was extremely low both mentally and physically. There was no need in my view. Kindness should always be the guide. The dog and lumps? I just lost my sister to cancer, do you honestly think I wouldn't have gone on high alert if he had said something before?
Some of the people replying here need to work out what their motivation is when responding.
If it ain't true, necessary or kind, why would you?
To those who were gracious and kind, thank you.

ClareAB has posted several times before over the years. She’s not a bot!

It’s easy to check someone’s history by typing the poster’s name into the search facility in the menu top left. It doesn’t help tell us whether a brand new poster is genuine, but at least we can be sure that ClareAB is.

I didn't post on the wrong thread.

I think some replys are appearing on the wrong thread . But to Op I think.your husband was being caring by informing your sons . We probably wouldn't tell them ourselves not wanting to be a moaning mini as it were. I think in his own way he was trying to help. And he is also right that the vet should check the dog's lumps . Probably you are too upset to deal with these day to day type of jobs grieving for your Sister . So sorry for your great loss .

Yes, I agree Babs, but it served as an early warning. Although there were a few question marks in my mind, it was very convincing, & without the final reveal I would never have guessed the whole thing was an AI generated piece of trickery. I’ll bear it in mind in future though.

paddyann54

From experience I,d say your boys would rather know you were sick and be able to at least check up on you.Its amazing how busy people can find a bit of spare time when they need it .Your husband sounds to me as if he,s hurt on your behalf that your boys are neglecting you.I,d thank him for his concern and give him a big hug .Lots of men wouldn,t bother so be grateful he did

I agree with paddyann's response. Your husband was being "husbandly" in telling his sons to give you a bit more attention because you are suffering. I think this shows he has a kind heart.

I suspect some of what you call your "hurt" is the natural grumpiness associated with being ill and sad. Don't take it out on your husband.

I also suspect he wants to protect you from more hurt by getting on with caring for the dog without bothering you. Give the man a bit of credit.

I hope your health improves soon and that your grief gradually subsides. Take care

I admit my confidence in new posts has been shaken after being taken in by a ‘bot’.
Once my trust has been compromised I find it very hard to trust on sight again.

I don't know- there have beena few 'odd' threads here yesterday. One of them has now been taken down- how are we supposed to know if someone is genuine or not?

There is something about this that doesn't sit right with me.

I can't see where the DH has actually done anything wrong?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I do think you might need some medical or counselling help.

You’re still grieving.

I wish you well and I think, although clumsily done, that your husband is trying to help.

I think the combination of grief and illness has made you want to blame somebody and your loving but tactless DH is the recipient. He just wants you to feel supported in your unhappiness and turned to the people he knows matter most to you. I feel such sympathy but think you are fortunate to have people who care about you. Hope the post-covid wretchedness lifts soon.

I think he is afraid.

I'm another who thinks your illness and loss is affecting how you feel.

Your husband has seen your unhappiness and distress and is reminding your adult children that you could do with their support.

They know your sister has died and that (without the additional Covid problem) should make them want to check in.
I think I'd be frustrated too in his place.

He might have chosen his words more carefully - but you don't know what he actually said - and why would this undermine your relationship with your adult children anyway? After all, they've known him since they were children.