Is my husband tactless or cruel?

So sorry you are suffering, I can only say that in my experience men can be very obtuse & insensitive, they also seem to really enjoy taking control! I too live with a interfering, bossy know-it-all! Sometimes if he is really bugging me I will be strident but he soon reverts back to his old interfering self! Would counciling help or does he think he's perfect like my DH. I feel that I'm too old to divorce him now, so I just ignore him
and try to pre-emp any decisions that are important to me or the dog before he interfers. Be strong & best wishes 🌈 🌞 🌻

He may well be concerned for you, but a little cack handed in his messages, your children are grown ups, they need to wise up and should be offering help when you’re ill, mine of a similar age would. You’re indulging your adult children.
Maybe he did let you know about the dog, you’re poorly, good he’s sorting it, I’m sure he’ll let you know what happens and if you’re up to it, you can go too.

I can understand you're hurt, you are vulnerable at the moment with the things you've had to cope with, & sad. I think maybe he is tactless rather than cruel, & it is his concern for you that led him to message your sons. You sound like you're very proud of them all, and were very hurt with your husband's comments because he seemed to be criticising them. As you understand, they've got busy lives & post-viral illness doesn't sound as horrid as it probably is, so he thinks they don't care but you know they care. Hope the dog is OK, lots of skin lumps are innocuous so fingers crossed for them.

Re your dog I always ask my vet to do a needle aspiration on any lump. No sedation needed and can sometimes prevent removing and doing a biopsy on them although sometimes you can get a false negative with them.

From experience I,d say your boys would rather know you were sick and be able to at least check up on you.Its amazing how busy people can find a bit of spare time when they need it .Your husband sounds to me as if he,s hurt on your behalf that your boys are neglecting you.I,d thank him for his concern and give him a big hug .Lots of men wouldn,t bother so be grateful he did

You are at a very low stage in your life, grieving for your sister while recovering from a debilitating illness, and your normal judgement is impaired. You have allowed your husband's remarks to assume enormous importance when he is actually showing sympathy for you; let it go and concentrate on getting well. He is also dealing with the dog's problems for you.
Am I being unreasonable here?
Yes, I am sorry to say that I think you are but I also think it is your illness to blame.

I see that your husband isn't your children's father.
I probably won't be popular for saying it,but I do think that some spousesmen do try to put a wedge between a woman and her children.

Only you can decide if you think that's what he is doing, but he may well just be cross with your sons not being supportive when you could do with it.

Is this a new behaviour, or has he been like it before?

I have a friend that never had children and she’s always angry with my children because she feels they take me for granted, but it’s because she doesn’t understand the unconditional love we feel for our children.

I’m sorry, but I think you probably are being unreasonable. It seems to me that your husband has acted out of concern for you - your sons are in their 30s, not teenagers, and they’re old enough to offer a bit of support to a bereaved and poorly mother. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you feel better soon.

Maggiemaybe

I’m sorry, but I think you probably are being unreasonable. It seems to me that your husband has acted out of concern for you - your sons are in their 30s, not teenagers, and they’re old enough to offer a bit of support to a bereaved and poorly mother. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you feel better soon.

My thoughts too.

He's thinking of you.
Get well again soon

sharon103

Maggiemaybe

I’m sorry, but I think you probably are being unreasonable. It seems to me that your husband has acted out of concern for you - your sons are in their 30s, not teenagers, and they’re old enough to offer a bit of support to a bereaved and poorly mother. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you feel better soon.

My thoughts too.

He's thinking of you.
Get well again soon

My thoughts too.
I think your husband is floundering, he knows how desperately you are grieving and he's at a loss as how to help you. He's called on your sons to help, maybe not as tactfully as he could have done. Please don't blame him, you all need each other at this so very sad time, husband needs some support too and maybe your sons will recognise this. I'm so sorry, l do so hope the dog is ok.

Thank you to everyone who took the time and trouble to comment. You've given me much to think about.

I think tactless not cruel .
Your hubby is worried about you and thinks that your children should take more care .

I think husband is concerned for you and I agree sons should know. They can help. Good that he’s aware of your dogs needs too & is dealing with it.
Maybe encourage him to do more while you’re not 100%. Get well soon x

I'm another who thinks your illness and loss is affecting how you feel.

Your husband has seen your unhappiness and distress and is reminding your adult children that you could do with their support.

They know your sister has died and that (without the additional Covid problem) should make them want to check in.
I think I'd be frustrated too in his place.

He might have chosen his words more carefully - but you don't know what he actually said - and why would this undermine your relationship with your adult children anyway? After all, they've known him since they were children.

I think he is afraid.

I think the combination of grief and illness has made you want to blame somebody and your loving but tactless DH is the recipient. He just wants you to feel supported in your unhappiness and turned to the people he knows matter most to you. I feel such sympathy but think you are fortunate to have people who care about you. Hope the post-covid wretchedness lifts soon.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I do think you might need some medical or counselling help.

You’re still grieving.

I wish you well and I think, although clumsily done, that your husband is trying to help.

I don't know- there have beena few 'odd' threads here yesterday. One of them has now been taken down- how are we supposed to know if someone is genuine or not?

There is something about this that doesn't sit right with me.

I can't see where the DH has actually done anything wrong?

I admit my confidence in new posts has been shaken after being taken in by a ‘bot’.
Once my trust has been compromised I find it very hard to trust on sight again.

paddyann54

From experience I,d say your boys would rather know you were sick and be able to at least check up on you.Its amazing how busy people can find a bit of spare time when they need it .Your husband sounds to me as if he,s hurt on your behalf that your boys are neglecting you.I,d thank him for his concern and give him a big hug .Lots of men wouldn,t bother so be grateful he did

I agree with paddyann's response. Your husband was being "husbandly" in telling his sons to give you a bit more attention because you are suffering. I think this shows he has a kind heart.

I suspect some of what you call your "hurt" is the natural grumpiness associated with being ill and sad. Don't take it out on your husband.

I also suspect he wants to protect you from more hurt by getting on with caring for the dog without bothering you. Give the man a bit of credit.

I hope your health improves soon and that your grief gradually subsides. Take care

Yes, I agree Babs, but it served as an early warning. Although there were a few question marks in my mind, it was very convincing, & without the final reveal I would never have guessed the whole thing was an AI generated piece of trickery. I’ll bear it in mind in future though.

I think some replys are appearing on the wrong thread . But to Op I think.your husband was being caring by informing your sons . We probably wouldn't tell them ourselves not wanting to be a moaning mini as it were. I think in his own way he was trying to help. And he is also right that the vet should check the dog's lumps . Probably you are too upset to deal with these day to day type of jobs grieving for your Sister . So sorry for your great loss .

I didn't post on the wrong thread.