Are my grandchildren or…..

Unfortunately it's all in the nurture, you have to start with rules from the beginning, it's no good trying to pounce on 2 spoilt teenagers & expect them to change the habits of a lifetime. I'm grateful that my 2 GC were brought up similarly to how we brought our 2 up and are for the most part quite helpful and caring. Of course they have their lapses , they're not angels, but they do have the basic grounding which seems to have past yours by, OP. I feel really sorry that you're in such a horrible position.

Sadly people don't just morph into considerate, caring people when they've been thinking of only themselves for years. Both your son and the GC need to be prompted with a 'you know getting up and down is difficulty for me now. I love coming to stay but need a bed to sleep in now'. It may end up with your son giving up his bed though.

As for the mess, I shudder when I think what my bedroom looked like throughout my teenage years and I can hear my mother's constant refrain of 'and tidy up your bedroom!!!' All my children were the same but some were messier than others.

I can’t believe there are so many thankless teenagers on the planet.
And these are just the ones I’ve been reading about on here.
It’s certainly not exclusive to Gransnet.

Thankfully my two teenage grandsons are well brought up and caring, probably because they have a Japanese mum.

Meow-wow, could you stay elsewhere when you visit them? (Maybe a Premier Inn, Travelodge, or B& B?) That would at least give you a better place to sleep and your own space to retreat to.

What can you expect when they have no role model to show them what they should be doing. Your DS has given up on them so how the heck do they realise that they should clear the table, stack the dishwasher after a meal. If no-one has ever told them to clear up after themselves or tidy their rooms then this is the result. The very worst thing is to allow you to sleep on the floor while GD sleeps in the bed, this is truly appalling I would have thought even a minimum sense of right or wrong would have led her to offer you her bed and why didn't your DS insist on this?
My GD is also 15 and from a very young age she was encouraged to help around the house, setting the table, folding clothes, emptying the tumble dryer and dishwasher and now regularly helps clean the bathrooms, hoovers and helps prepare meals even occasionally cooking a family meal from start to finish with help on hand.

Visiting them is becoming unpleasant

Why visit at theirs if you find visits unpleasant?

I dislike visiting people anywhere apart from our home. Perhaps have them come round to you and leave their mess at home?

One of my daughters was always v messy. She was well into adulthood before she seemed to get the hang of housekeeping. But she is a lively, sociable and loving daughter. My mum hated the state she left her room in, but I always said that if my worst problem with a teenager was a messy room, I could live with that. We did have house rules about living areas though - and a strong emphasis on respect for others etc. But their dad didn’t do anything in the house, which did make it tricky sometimes to hold a line with them. I think my daughters liked living in a well organised and broadly tidy home though and didn’t really want to spoil that.

I know how difficult it is to remain quiet when you’re a visitor in someone else’s home, but when I visit my DS’s home I do speak up and tell my DGD she needs to tidy her room otherwise her little sister could a- get hurt b- she could break something important to her. When the girls visit our home we ask them to tidy up their toys before they leave and the youngest who’s 18 months knows what tidy up time means.

2 issues..normal teen behaviour but re bed/mattress GD should have been told by parents you were sleeping on bed, her on mattress on floor! Awful parenting. I was never off my girls back's for mess but they did have and do have, now in 30's, have respect for their elders, especially their grandparents who they adored. I would speak to your daughter.

I waited on my twin sons hand and foot and expected very little. They had to travel to school and had lots of homework so I didn’t nag.
Hey they turned out ok - now late forties they wash,iron,cook, garden, decorate and do all manner of DIY. Both had children later on and completely involved in childcare so PHEW what a relief!

If they don't pick up dirty clothes, I would just leave them - sometime they are going to run out of clean clothes. Same with their dishes - I would wash my own and leave theirs until there are no clean dishes available. Sounds as if they have never been asked/told to do anything in the house. Time for a change which is down to their Father!!

It’s their parents who need the wake up call, to teach their children how to respect their home, help around the house, with the bed situation again the parents should be telling the GD to let you have the bed, or if you don’t really want to rock the apple cart, buy a z bed to either take with you or leave at their house

Teenager GC too. 15 and 19. 15 year old is terribly untidy- and parents try as far as possible not to go on about it too much - but do insist she clears it all up and cleans it properly fairly regularly. The other fairly tidy. But they both have their chores and have to help with getting veg ready, and tidying up after meals, into dishwasher and emptying every day, etc.

Two knee replacements too and there is NO way they would let me sleep on floor- although they do have spare room for us.
I would never stay if that was the expectation. Total and absolute lack of respect.

I have two preteens and two adult teens in the house.

Like hell ANY of them pull that crap. They all have chores around the house.

Now, I DO stay out of their rooms unless I’m invited in, because I like for them to have privacy.

The sleeping arrangement is on the parents, imo.

OP, is your son a widower or divorced as you don't mention a mother. Either way (and messy room aside) you should not be sleeping on the floor. I'm sorry but that is something your son could rectify. I can't believe he allows this.

My daughter was messy and untidy at home, once she had her own house she complained when I didn't use a coaster under my glass.
Expecting you to sleep on the floor is unacceptable in any circumstances, what is your son thinking Meowwow time he started acting like a parent and not a wimp.

From the age of 8 I expected my children to change their bedlinen when given the clean linen and dust and hoover their bedrooms, and I chased them up if they did not do it.

Of course they did not do it perfectly and every few months I would descend on their bedrooms with black binbags and give their rooms a good clean.

But as with everything I always emphasised that we were a family and we supported each other and that meant there were times when everyone's life had priority and times when they had to do without going somewhere or doing something because of the priority being given to another member of the family.

In the OPs situation my children would have given their grandmother the bed, even if she had two perfect knees, and themselves slept on the floor without anyone having to tell them to do it, and so would my grandchildren.

My grandson keeps his room tidy, vacuums it twice a week, as well as stripping the bedding weekly.

Everything is lined up, symmetrically, and wiped down regularly.

His mum, though, the state of her room as a teen was just foul. Waist high in rubbish and clothes and mouldy plates, glasses, at one point.

Granted, they grew up being waited on hand and foot and have never had to do anything

They have been spoiled.

Thankfully I only know of one person like that.
Sadly, things have not gone well for her.

Oddly, her other sibling was not spoiled.

If your son says they take no notice of him he is being lazy, yes teens rarely listen to parents but you just have to try harder, if he explains to his daughter that gran struggles sleeping on the floor and is in pain so gran should sleep in the bed and the daughter should should sleep on the floor am pretty sure that would get through.
No wonder the teens are lazy if he isn’t providing them with a good role model.
Teens are messy and chaotic and will push the boundaries if you let them. Looks like your son and DiL have let them. That you can’t do anything about but you can get tough about sleeping arrangements.
No bed, no staying over.

Sorry - WAS cleanable!

DD hated changing her bed so the agreement was that if her floor was clear and the room wasn’t cleanable the cleaner would change the bed. If not, it was stripped and the clean bedding left on it. Only happened twice!

Your description of the bedrooms is exactly as I recall my teenage children's rooms. In particular my son. His room was FULL, and I mean full, of all sorts of total rubbish such as empty boxes. There was no room to move. It was disgusting and in the end I told him I wouldn't be going in there to clean it. Now, a man in his 40s, he has a beautiful home - tidy and very presentable. So I wouldn't worry much about any of that. About sleeping on the floor though. Young people need things spelled out to them sometimes as they are so self-absorbed and I think you should point out that you cannot possibly sleep on a floor. I am sure no offence will be taken. They don't understand the problems of getting old.

I've 2 new knees, recovery was a bit longer for one than the other. I can and do get up off the floor - not on my knees, reversing onto my hands. If I fall skiing this winter - I'll use same method. Lesson in physio.

If you find their ways unacceptable why do you stay there?