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Maternal grandmother vs. paternal grandmother

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M0nica Tue 12-Nov-24 16:13:39

It shouldn't be maternal grandparent v paternal grandparent. I always describe DDiL's mother as my companion grandmother. She lives round the corner from her daughter and my son and was a lot of help when the DGC were small.

We live 200 miles away, so day to day care, was never a possibiity, but I have ever felt cut out, we just ploughed our own furrow and developed our own relationship with our 2 DGC. I taught DGD to sew, we go on fanily holidays. I have provided instant help a couple of times in emergencies, my companion grandmother was well into her 70s when DGC were born and is now nearly 90,

Do not compete, offer a different relationship.

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Baggs Tue 12-Nov-24 16:10:07

I need to somehow learn to accept this

That is exactly what you need to do.

This issue comes up a lot on Gransnet so I think you have to accept that it's 'natural'.

That said, I'm a maternal grandmother and have seen/been with my grandkids far less than the paternal grandparents because I live a good deal further away. I don't think this has negatively affected my relationships with them at all.

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B9exchange Tue 12-Nov-24 16:06:35

It is the lot of the paternal grandparents, new mums always turn to their own mums for help. Try very hard not to give a hint that you feel left out, and certainly don't seek to look after the baby on your own. As the baby grows she will develop her own relationship with you. Just enjoy the time you do get to spend with her, and ask your DiL if there is anything practical you can do to help, such as providing a meal or doing the ironing. Above all, tell you DiL what a wonderful job she is making of being a mum.smile

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Judithjack1 Tue 12-Nov-24 15:58:30

My youngest son and his wife recently became parents for the first time, having a little girl 6 months ago.
My daughter-in-law's mother has been very hands-on since the baby was borne and now spends quality time with her, bonding. I have only been with the baby one time by myself, and then her parents were in and out. She, the baby, is unfamiliar with me as she has never bonded with me, her paternal grandfather and I are invited to visit when her parents (one or both) are in-house.
The maternal grandmother, however, has bonded with the baby since birth and now enjoys serveral days a week with her, alone, even though she lives 2 hours away. She picks up the baby from daycare, early, brings her to my son & d-i-l's home, where they spend the afternoon together until the parents arrive hom. The maternal grandmother spends the night and takes the baby to daycare the next day sometime before noon, but is able to spend additional time with the baby.
Also, trips to the maternal grandmother's home is quite often, usually 2-3 trips a month, spending 2-3 days/nights. When they travel to my home, overnight is usually one night and the baby is never left alone with us.
i feel we are treated very unfair, I understand the uneasiness they have in leaving her with us, because she cries because she isn't familiar with us and she will not be until she learns to know us.
I need to somehow learn to accept this and is this something that other paternal grandparents experience or is it just US?
I very unsettled by all of this.

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