Maternal grandmother vs. paternal grandmother

It is the lot of the paternal grandparents, new mums always turn to their own mums for help. Try very hard not to give a hint that you feel left out, and certainly don't seek to look after the baby on your own. As the baby grows she will develop her own relationship with you. Just enjoy the time you do get to spend with her, and ask your DiL if there is anything practical you can do to help, such as providing a meal or doing the ironing. Above all, tell you DiL what a wonderful job she is making of being a mum.

I need to somehow learn to accept this

That is exactly what you need to do.

This issue comes up a lot on Gransnet so I think you have to accept that it's 'natural'.

That said, I'm a maternal grandmother and have seen/been with my grandkids far less than the paternal grandparents because I live a good deal further away. I don't think this has negatively affected my relationships with them at all.

It shouldn't be maternal grandparent v paternal grandparent. I always describe DDiL's mother as my companion grandmother. She lives round the corner from her daughter and my son and was a lot of help when the DGC were small.

We live 200 miles away, so day to day care, was never a possibiity, but I have ever felt cut out, we just ploughed our own furrow and developed our own relationship with our 2 DGC. I taught DGD to sew, we go on fanily holidays. I have provided instant help a couple of times in emergencies, my companion grandmother was well into her 70s when DGC were born and is now nearly 90,

Do not compete, offer a different relationship.

I'm never sure why anyone wan to be alone with a grandchild? What could one do without parents about? Daft. I prefer our daughters to bring theirs round and stay to do all the work children bring.

Baggs

*I need to somehow learn to accept this*

That is exactly what you need to do.

This issue comes up a lot on Gransnet so I think you have to accept that it's 'natural'.

That said, I'm a maternal grandmother and have seen/been with my grandkids far less than the paternal grandparents because I live a good deal further away. I don't think this has negatively affected my relationships with them at all.

Indeed, accept the hand dealt, make your own happiness.

I'm a paternal gran also 2 hours away. When dgd was born 'I was what can I do to help?'

When I've read such threads, I think the only real difference is that mums talk bluntly to their daughter, helping to organise in a way that they don't to their sons. I'm confident my dd would tell me to hop off if I overstepped "helping".

It’s how it is with boys I adored my maternal grandparents and saw them every day I saw my paternal grandparents briefly once a week for a cake and drink with mum and dad visiting they lived a few roads away so it wasn’t distance
My own children did everything with my parents We didn’t live near my in laws so visited them occasionally
I have been hands on with all my grandchildren except my sons two who live round the corner from his in laws their maternal grandparents and a long long way away from me

I am in almost the same position. I'm afraid it is just how it is with sons normally. I imagine I was exactly the same regarding my Mother-in-Law and my babies. As young parents we cannot understand a grandparent's yearning to look after or visit grandchildren. Just let them know how much you love them all and offer help any time.

I am both maternal and paternal grandparent. In all cases I am the ‘standby’. Main reason, I think, is because, I am single, the others are couples and younger than me, except in one case. I see the grandchildren often enough, but not as much as the other GPs.do. I hope the GC love me as much or at least near enough. It is what it is.
Don’t fret. You have your partner. Enjoy your life together. I am divorced, so, I guess, I can be forgiven for feeling like the odd one out. But that feeling quickly disappears.

I am a maternal gran but the paternal grandparents of one daughter moved a substantial distance to be nearer to their son and grandchild so obvs they see our GC more and are more hands on with picking him up from nursery etc. is there only GC as well so fair play. Another daughter hardly ever sees the paternal grandparents because they live 5 hours away so we see much more of the GC, however, they book to go away on holidays together. The other daughter did see more of us when her baby was born, I stayed over for a week then would go back one or two days a week, but he also has a problem he was born with which means he needs to go to Great Ormond Street Hospital for operations and care so the paternal grandparents have come to stay in order to take turns about helping the parents and GC. Am really grateful for this as is my daughter, we very much see ourselves as a team.
Despite being a maternal gran I don’t agree with being the number one grandma, is very unfair, the baby needs all his/her grandparents, and though a daughter might feel easier having mum there straight after the birth this shouldn’t turn into a regular thing. Also is bloomin hard work looking after babies so c’mon maternal grandparents ease the load and encourage your daughters to play fair when asking for a babysitter.

Chardy - I had to smile. My daughter once told me ‘Mum,
don’t hog the baby - let J and C have a cuddle too’. , in other words, ‘hop off’ 😂

You are not being treated unfairly since there is no promise of "fair" in this world.

This is the first hard lesson we learn as kids.

It shouldn't be maternal grandparent v paternal grandparent

Agreed.

In fact, I probably see the maternal grandmother of two of my DGC more often than I see them.

I think this is another load of fabricated tosh.

Sago

I think this is another load of fabricated tosh.

It is!

But it feels real to Judithjack1, Sago.

I think as time goes by you will develop your own relationship with the little one(s), Judith.
Just be "you" and be grateful there are more people to love them.

I don’t get this “ bonding” idea for grandparents. Until the child is a bit older she only needs her mum (and dad ) to bond with her. A relationship with the child develops naturally as time goes on. The key is to be supportive of the child’s parents.

Why in this day and age when women have so many other opportunities other than being a housewife, do so many people invest so much time and so much of themselves in being grandparents. Do they have no sense of self or self confidencd based on anything else.

I have grandchildren, and love them dearly, but they have never been the be all and end all of my life, and this applies to my friends as well, none of them base their sense f self on their relationship with a baby.

My Dil says she's happier to ask me things as her mother is too interfering. Relationships vary. I hardly ever set eyes on my other Dil and their little one.

Well, for a start I totally agree with M0nica. Grandparenting has become some sort of weird obsession these days and "bonding" is the latest buzzword no doubt driven by social media. But that aside, I think it's generally fair to say that when women have babies they favour their mother's help over that of their MIL's. It's only natural to want your own mum around when you've just been through one of the most life changing events imaginable. I think it's also fair to say that mother in laws are often more invested in the baby (and their own "rights") than they are in the DIL's wellbeing. This is somewhat evidenced by the OP.

I love all my grandchildren but never thought I was entitled to see them. Just as well as it turned out.
Made the most of when I did. I loved being with my children and was lucky not to work until they started school. I wouldn't like to be op dil it seems she sees little of her own child as she has to work,

I felt very " bonded" with each of my grandchildren when they were born. They were not" bonded" with me at six months: they probably could hardly remember who the heck I was.
Babies need only their parents when they are small.

I am not a fan of this bonding word, it seems a new thing.
I am a paternal grandmother as have no daughters.I saw a lot of my grandchildren from being born, as they and their parents were living with me for a while.I was also working then so we all alternated the childcare, we all had jobs
I am not going to go into the circumstances of the other grandparents.
Judithjack I don't know if your DIL's mother has a job.If not then your DIL is very lucky to have her constantly there.The only advice I am giving you is that it is early days still.Babies do not stay little cuddly babies for long, they grow up.I would not be surprised if you had a lot more opportunity to see your grandchild when she stops being a young baby and becomes mobile, that's when the hard work starts.
When I had my children my mother hardly showed her face, my MIL only came when it suited her and sometimes expected payment if she had to care for grandchildren for a few hours.The result was myself and DH did most of the care of our own children.We were lucky that we had jobs where we could work alternate shifts so there was always one of us at home with the children s we soon learned we could not expect help from anyone else.
You will be getting to see your grandchild more when she is a bit older

My heart sinks when I read these posts complaining the paternal gran is sidelined and maternal gran given the keys to the palace. it isn’t and can’t be a competition where bits of tine with the baby in the middle of it all is somehow carved out, like the judgement of Solomon
It’s not a completion, treat it like one and see how stressed everyone gets
New mothers often turn to their own mother for support. I’m a mat gran who gets on very well with the two Pat grans. Building good relationships helps