Maternal grandmother vs. paternal grandmother

I think 5 months in, I realised as a PGM, you absolutely can not compete with MGM. Dont get me wrong my heart was tugged and I recognised my own jealousy; I just show up for my DiL and GD whenever I can, I am grateful for every moment. My DiL tries very hard to offer opportunities to create memories for her daughter. xxx

While I love the fact that we see our GS a lot (sometimes too much, if I'm being brutally honest), I do feel a little sad that he doesn't have much of a relationship with his other grandparents. He only sees his maternal GM once a fortnight when his mother has her visits with him, and his maternal GF and stepmum every couple of months.

Lydie45 I have exactly the same relationship with my DDiL and her mother. She too lives nearby and looked after the little ones - when they were little. We live 200 miles away and it is that that has shaped the relationship with grandchildren, not which partner we parented.

This morning my DGD and I have been gloating online over the snow. we are both winter and Christmas fans and that keeps us close.

I should have added she looked after both grandchildren every day when they were small as their mother, her daughter returned to work but now they are older I have a very good relationship with both of them.

I agree, build a good relationship with the other grandmother. I have just returned from a four day break with my sons mother in law. It’s easier all round if you do become friends and not rivals

I have 5 grandchildren ranging from 23 yrs down to a 1 year old , my sons two children facetime us with their mummy's help once a week and we see them in person once or twice a month they live about 30 minutes away , my eldest daughters children are in their 20's and still send me texts , I see quite a lot of them as they park in our drive to go surfing which also means we can meet the latest girlfriends or boyfriends! My youngest daughter is 5 minutes away and I see her son several times a week. My Dil is lovely and I am as hands on with the boys as her mother is , she always said that she and my son wanted both sides of the family to be involved equally and we are and have become good friends, I think it is so sad that this is not the case for a lot of grandparents and reading everyone's experiences have made me realise just how lucky we are . My daughters husbands are also lovely and they all get on with each other.

Grams2five

I think it’s about reframing her mindset though. This can be a happy time even with things exactly as they are. She can choose to embrace and love the relationship she has with zero concern for what the other grandparents do or have. When we start to think about the “imbalance of fairness “ it just sets up hurt feelings and dissatisfaction. It’s not an imbalance of fairness because no one is owed anything here. It can’t be “unfair” because any relationship with one’s grandchild is a gift. You’re entitled to none of it , so rather than worry about how much you’re getting enjoy what one’s been given

Agreed. With every word.

There is no fair - just entitlement and that's unacceptable.

Apologies meant to say your grandchild will only remember memories with you FROM the age of 4 ... unable to edit my original reaponse

I think you need to stop comparing the maternal grandparent relationship to your own. They are both independent and do not have to be the same.

In a lot of cases, the new mother does the lions share of childcare (maternity leave while her husband works) so it makes sense that she would want to spend more time with her own mother who she (the new mother) has known for her entire life and has a close bond with. It also makes sense that she would trust her with the most precious thing in her life.

You will know yourself that when having children, a mothers bond to their own child is closer than anything else as she has carried that baby for 9 months, grown that baby inside her and put her life on the line to give birth. It's likely your son realises all this, he appreciates it and respects it, consequently he's happy for your DIL to take the lead on decisions to do with childcare.

Ultimately it's their child so you can't push your grandparent expectations onto new parents for a child that isn't yours - yes it's absolutely disappointing and you're valid in your feelings but the reality is that your idea of a grandparent role just doesn't align with the parents wishes.

It's your perception that the baby has bonded with the maternal grandmother but depends on the age of the child - young babies only initially bond with their parents (mainly the mother as the main carer) as babies don't generally develop a sense of object permanence until about 5-7 months of age (sometimes 4 months but rarely). Baby doesn't even realise they are a separate being to their mother until about 9 months of age.

I would just appreciate the time you do get with your grandchild and focus on forming a connection when they visit.

Also try to form a stronger and more supportive bond with your DIL so she feels closer to you and more trusting in you to watch their child - it will happen with time.

There are many years ahead of you getting to spend time with your grandchild and your grandchild will only remember treasured time with you until about the age of 4 anyway as young children don't have the neural circuitry for memory formation before then.

Your time for bonding will come.

I think it’s about reframing her mindset though. This can be a happy time even with things exactly as they are. She can choose to embrace and love the relationship she has with zero concern for what the other grandparents do or have. When we start to think about the “imbalance of fairness “ it just sets up hurt feelings and dissatisfaction. It’s not an imbalance of fairness because no one is owed anything here. It can’t be “unfair” because any relationship with one’s grandchild is a gift. You’re entitled to none of it , so rather than worry about how much you’re getting enjoy what one’s been given

We are paternal grandparents and right from the word go, we have been far more involved in our GS's life than the maternal side. In fact, our son and GS lived with us for almost two years after his marriage broke down in fairly traumatic circumstances and we are still very much involved in our GS's childcare because of my son and his new partner's work, which means there is no other alternative.

Judithjack1

Maybee70, you are correct, the title has nothing to do with comparison, it is the subject and means nothing beyond that.
I, myself, do not feel in competition with the other grandmother. I would never suggest to my DIL that i come and stay the night, whereas that is something that she or her M decided ... that's between them. My whole purpose in airing my "dirty laundry" here is because I know the situation is what it is and I'm not looking to approach anyone about my concerns, just looking to get some support and understanding and some good advice.

I'm sorry you feel as you do and knew comparison was not the goal.

May I ask if this is the first/only GC? Makes a difference to some grans.

Harris27

Iam64 good for you but it isn’t all that simple. I have three sons and understand how she feels it does hurt.

GranPepp:
'I say in all politeness your post seems to suggest an underlying jealousy/resentment of the other Gran. Having a grandchild isn't about you. It's about you son, DIL and the grandchild. If you continue to have underlying resentment, unfortunately you may see less, not more, of the grandchild'.

If you happen to be a grandparent (either paternal or maternal) on the receiving end of what may seem to be a gross imbalance of fairness, whether or not that may be intentional, it can be extremely hurtful.

Like many other grandparents who post on this forum, and elsewhere, the OP has stated that she does not feel that she is in competition with the other grandmother, and she has no intention to approach anyone about her concerns. She's simply looking for some support, understanding and good advice.

This situation is very real for many grandparents, and as far as the OP is concerned, I do not read her post and see underlying jealousy or resentment, I simply see some hurt and sadness, at a time that should be happy for all the family.

Maybee70, you are correct, the title has nothing to do with comparison, it is the subject and means nothing beyond that.
I, myself, do not feel in competition with the other grandmother. I would never suggest to my DIL that i come and stay the night, whereas that is something that she or her M decided ... that's between them. My whole purpose in airing my "dirty laundry" here is because I know the situation is what it is and I'm not looking to approach anyone about my concerns, just looking to get some support and understanding and some good advice.

When my dd had her first child my dd was quite ill,so I went to help as often as I could, and was surprised her mil didn’t visit much.
My dd went on to have more children the mil has said she felt more able to bond with them as my dd was quite well following their births.
Tbh I thought she didn’t want to visit! And felt out of her depth.She did bond with the oldest gc once the toddler stage arrived.

You really must stop keeping score and making comparisons and simply enjoy this time instead. With all of this at the front of your mind that is much more likely to upset a small baby, they pick up on this sort of thing I feel.

Iam64 good for you but it isn’t all that simple. I have three sons and understand how she feels it does hurt.

We’re going to be maternal 1st time grandparents in 5 weeks, very excited. Us and paternal grandparents live in same town both 5 minute drive from parents to be. Sounds perfect but atm nobody is going to be allowed to visit. No visiting in hospital after birth and parents want some time alone.

Maybe it’s easier for a daughter to tell her mum if she’s not happy about something she’s doing with the child but, in general tends to follow the parenting she had so they’d be pretty much in agreement about most things. Whereas she wouldn’t know about MIL’s parenting ideas and would have to lay out a list of rules? No one ever looked after my two anyway; we were too far away from everyone. Going off at a tangent but I was a bit traumatised when I went shopping one day and arrived home to find that a friend was visiting with her husband and baby and had offered to breast feed my baby ( I’d only gone out between feeds). I honestly don’t know how I would have reacted if I’d arrived home to find her feeding her. I still feel quite shocked by it.

Judithjack1

My youngest son and his wife recently became parents for the first time, having a little girl 6 months ago.
My daughter-in-law's mother has been very hands-on since the baby was borne and now spends quality time with her, bonding. I have only been with the baby one time by myself, and then her parents were in and out. She, the baby, is unfamiliar with me as she has never bonded with me, her paternal grandfather and I are invited to visit when her parents (one or both) are in-house.
The maternal grandmother, however, has bonded with the baby since birth and now enjoys serveral days a week with her, alone, even though she lives 2 hours away. She picks up the baby from daycare, early, brings her to my son & d-i-l's home, where they spend the afternoon together until the parents arrive hom. The maternal grandmother spends the night and takes the baby to daycare the next day sometime before noon, but is able to spend additional time with the baby.
Also, trips to the maternal grandmother's home is quite often, usually 2-3 trips a month, spending 2-3 days/nights. When they travel to my home, overnight is usually one night and the baby is never left alone with us.
i feel we are treated very unfair, I understand the uneasiness they have in leaving her with us, because she cries because she isn't familiar with us and she will not be until she learns to know us.
I need to somehow learn to accept this and is this something that other paternal grandparents experience or is it just US?
I very unsettled by all of this.

As far as I am aware, in USA 2 hours away is practically the next village (unlike in Britain) so it isn't a surprise that your son's MIL sees them a lot. It isn't clear how near to your son and his family you live. However it doesn't really matter. I say in all politeness your post seems to suggest an underlying jealousy/resentment of the other Gran. Having a grandchild isn't about you. It's about you son, DIL and the grandchild. If you continue to have underlying resentment, unfortunately you may see less, not more, of the grandchild. I suggest you offer to help but accept it's for the parents to organise their own family, as you no doubt did when you were a young mother

We have 2 DDs but only one has children. She lives an hour away via country lanes (not easy in winter/dark nights) while her inlaws are walking distance. I wish we were as close - but we aren't. Fact. Yes, the inlaws see more of them. They also have them overnight which we have never done. However, when they were VERY tiny DD had to work all the school summer hols and we took our caravan to a nearby farm and had them from 7 am. to 6 pm most weekdays and were thoroughly exhausted at the end of it.

We made the effort to travel over to them and did the nursery school run once a week. Yes the other GPs did it more often but it didn't bother us.

We are not particularly "kiddie-minded" while the inlaws definitely are. Just different kinds of people. However, on a recent visit our DGS (now 12) found my DH "Superb" at helping him with Maths Revision and has asked when he can help again.

I don't understand "bonding" with a grandchild. I loved both my GMs equally but I got different things from each one.

Sometimes we feel a bit left out, but then DD tells me the kids have said favourable things about us and you realise that kids don't think about quantity but rather quality. Not that the other GPs aren't quality too.

As has been said, it isn't a competition, and relationships change as time goes by.

However, we ARE lucky that both our DD and DSiL are fine people, there is mutual respect all round, and I don't really need to be the same as the other GPs.

I'm a paternal grandma who has been unwanted from day one.Its sad to see the lack of fairness ..I've always got on with my daughter in law and her mother.I was a special care baby nurse,but apparently I can't be trusted with the baby in any situation.
It's a mystery to me ,the other granny is there with him every day,Im treated like an outsider

I think that indeed you should live with the situation as it is but maybe you would feel better if you talked this out with your son and dil, explained how you feel and asked that, if possible, to have some time with your grandchild? You could offer them to take the baby for a walk - she will see you from her pram, you can talk to her, she would get used to your face and your voice. Then coming home you pick her up, take of her jacket etc., so she gets used to your touch, your smell. All this without forcing anything on the baby. Take it gradually. But insist to her parents how important this is for you. ❤️‍🩹