Advice needed please!

What a sensible young woman! She has put up with being embarrassed by the behaviour of her divorced parents for years, apparently, and is unwilling to have her wedding turned into a nightmare.

So, you and her brothers need to respect her decision and try to get over your hurt feelings.

Invite her and her husband to a nice meal when they come home from their honeymoon, if they are having one, and let her father and step-mother do what they want to mark the occasion.

Ask her brothers if they want to be present at your do, or if they feel that will rock the boat vis á vis father and stepmother.

When we were students two close friends were late to meet us in a pub one afternoon.

A man and woman had apparently come out of the registry office and were in something of a panic scouring the street for people - they said "can you please spare 15 mins?" They needed someone to witness their marriage. The couple didn't want to involve friends or family.

Our friends said it was truly joyous and they were obviously very much in love.
The newly-weds afterwards gave them a lift to the pub and cash for a pint "to toast their marriage".

Be generous.
It's their choice, they are not doing it to hurt.

They haven't stopped loving family, they're just choosing what's right for them.

Unless one of my children was marrying abroad and alone I too would be so disappointed and upset.

But if they discussed their arrangements in advance I guess I’d have no other option than accept this.

It really is her day and nobody else's. What are you upset about? Missing a party? Not being able to dress up? Not witnessing their vows? At least she told you she'd be getting married, which suggests that she wasn't intending to blank you. Marriage isn't just a fancy wedding, there's a whole lifetime after that (if you're lucky). Just try to be happy that she's happy.

It’s not the “do” or the “dressing up” I’d miss, simply the exchange of rings and vows.

However, as many others have pointed out, it’s their day and their choice and that’s fine.

I’m so sorry you are hurting op. However it sounds like your daughter is choosing a low drama option if your divorce is still contentious.

A woman I knew once stated that she would not attend her daughter’s wedding if the father was invited. I always felt sorry for her child. I hope she eloped and saved herself the drama.

Honestly this wouldn't upset me one bit.We have 3 DDs and not one has wanted to do the big wedding thing.One of ours is still unmarried mainly because her fiancé's mother has made it clear she expects a big wedding and often makes digs about it.DD says it makes her feel like just going away and quietly getting married. We have said absolutely dont worry about us in your choice.
As long as you like the person she's marrying be happy for her and respect her decision. A wedding is one day and tbh reading some of the wedding threads on Mumsnet and the stress and expense so many of them seem to cause I'm not surprised some couples choose something much simpler.

The events to celebrate are the ones that show the marriage was a serious event and the couple of staying power. 10, 25, 50 year anniversaries are worth pushing the boat out for, and entertaining family and friends, but its initiation is best kept as low key as possible.

We had a church wedding but kept the numbers low, about 30, as my husband's family were the other end of the country so only his parents and siblings were able to come. We didn't want them being any more outnumbered than they were.
My Mum wasn't happy at all, hey ho...

For our big anniversaries: 30, 40 (and 50 in two years time), we took our three children and their partners on a self-catering holiday. Separate apartments for each family group. There will be three grandchildren as well next time!
We paid for a celebration meal on the anniversary date, then it was a case of do your own thing the rest of the time.
It was very well received previously and hopefully will be again 🙂

I've never wanted a big party for everybody we know, that's just not my thing. Don't know why as I know a lot of people do!

Our lot have had four weddings, each one just as they wanted. A huge castle affair, a private house service with a big barn reception, an elegant evening town hall ceremony with around 15 guests, and a registry office do with just two friends as witnesses. We were very pleased that they each had the day they wanted, and I had nothing more than a passing pang at not being invited to the last one. I might have felt differently if, say, in-laws had been invited and we hadn’t, but I think it’s lovely that young people are confident enough to have the wedding they want, instead of what pleases other people.

It’s her wish and if there is some animosity, however small, you can perhaps see where she’s coming from. I wouldn’t be happy at all if it was me. Nothing you can do, or say, she’s made her mind up. But what I wouldn’t like at all is the fact that a few friends have been invited. I’d think friends come and go (which in general is the case) but your Mum has been, and always will be, your Mum. My Mum died when I was 17 and getting married without her there was beyond heartbreaking. To chose not to have your Mum at your wedding (unless she really did something terrible to you) is pretty harsh. Tell her that you’re heartbroken but that you respect her decision. In years to come she may well regret it.

This is not uncommon these days and, quite frankly, I don't blame them. I've been to many lavish weddings which have ended in divorce. Much more sense to have a really personal event and save the money for something like a house. In this instance your daughter is between a rock and a hard place. You and her father are not on amicable terms and she feels she can't invite one without the other. By making it a very casual affair with no family at all involved, she feels there won't be any backlash, which is perfectly understandable. She's reassured you that it is not a deliberately unkind act, so you must respect her wishes. It is her day, not yours.

Your children are now adults and do not think the same as you. Let her have the wedding she wants and go with the flow . It’s not that important - but her happiness and your relationship most definitely is ! I love my grown up children like I have always done but I respect their decisions in their own lives even if it’s not what I would do .
It will turn out fine - it really will !
Marina

Yes, I got married to my husband over 40 yes ago with a few friends. My grandfather had sexually abused me and I had not and never told my mum. We married with no relatives there as I couldn't bear the thought to my mum insisting my grandfather take the place of my father who had left for another women. Life is complicated,

I have to agree with your daughter with this one. It is very difficult when there are divorced parents and other partners and families. My daughter in laws were a nightmare she had step families on both sides and the stress she went through trying to satisfy their needs made her so upset at times. We just told her to sit us wherever as it was her day. Doing it her way is what your daughter want. Support her decision and tell her to enjoy her day maybe you could have a family celebration at a later date. Your daughter is doing what is best for her and although it hurts it is what she wants. I do feel for you but I am sure you will come to terms with it.

I think she is being sensible too. It was always going to be tense with you and your ex both there and she wants to be able to focus on the day and the joy of marrying the man (I’m assuming) that she loves. Inviting just one of you wouldn’t work either.

I think she’s chosen the best solution to a tricky situation

But I do understand how disappointed you are. 💐

Our adult children do hurt us sometimes! I would also be upset but at the end of the day, I’d tell myself it is just a wedding. It will pass and you have a great relationship with your daughter so I’d enjoy that anyway. I was looking forward to my sons’ weddings but neither went as planned. The first one, I was seriously ill for and the second happened in the pandemic with social distancing and number restrictions etc. I still have two wedding outfits not worn and need to get rid of them. As you know life doesn’t always go to plan and we must move on.

The acrimony between you and her father is probably too stressful for her. Why not plan a nice celebration with her and brothers and then partners afterwards? Spend what you would have spent on a wedding and have a weekend in Paris or the Lake District?

My niece did this, her and her future husband went abroad and married on their own, her parents were not together, there was an extra marital affair going off within her family too, I never really spoke to her about it, but I understood her reasons

You are disappointed of course, but suck it up. It's her wedding, she wants those three friends, end of. Just imagine how much money you will save not buying new clothes and hat. My son was married in New Zealad, he said to me " Pat and I are getting married in New Zealand, I hope you don't mind" I said, "Oh good, I wont need to buy a hat" we all laughed and that was that.I do not hold a grudge.

I'm having a secret wedding next month . Have been together 20+ years . It will be us plus the 2 witnesses, no guests . We have friends , family , grown children ( not with each other ) and not telling anyone until after the event. Did you have the wedding you wanted ?
Let them have theirs , take them out for a meal a week or so later to celebrate.

I can understand your hurt. Can I add my perspective? I am divorced. I have not seen or spoken to my ex since he ended the marriage by text a decade ago. I have slowly moved on emotionally and don't think much about the animosity between us but I am clear that I will never be in the same room as him, ever. I hope that my daughter decides to "elope" and get married somewhere small and private, to avoid her having to make a decision - her father or me, at her wedding. I see it as her occasion, her choice, her future. That said, I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing and I hope it resolves for everyone.

She seems very sensible to me, it's not like she has invited other family and left you out, don't spoil your relationship

I too would be gutted. Can you contact your ex husband and agree to attend together and there be no animosity at all between the two of you? Then ask your daughter and just the two of you go. Not your new husband or his partner/wife.

Grannytomany

Your daughter has obviously given much thought to the wedding and the family issues which would have needed to be dealt with and come to the conclusion that she if she couldn’t invite all the family without very possibly causing disruptive issues on the day (or at any other time) she was better off not inviting any family. She is at least treating you all the same.

I think you should swallow your hurt and support her choice. Don’t spoil her wedding day and also potentially your good relationship with her for the sake of not seeing her getting married. It’s just one day. Find a way of celebrating with her afterwards. She wants a quiet, peaceful day and you should let her have one.

I'm guessing that she didn't want to upset either you or her father so decided she couldn't invite either of you. I do sympathise with you but can quite understand why she decided to do this.