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Advice needed please!

(131 Posts)
JulieMc Mon 30-Dec-24 22:54:02

Hi everyone, please help me come to terms with something very hurtful with any advice you can share.
I have 3 grown up children, 2 boys & 1 girl, all living with their partners. I am long divorced (not amicably) from their Father & have remarried. My daughter, middle child, is getting married in September & has not invited me or her brothers & partners to her wedding, nor her Father & Step Mother. Instead, she & her Fiance prefer to invite 3 close friends. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I have always shared a close & loving relationship with my daughter & cannot understand why they have decided this.
We have spoken about it & although I think she realises I'm disappointed, I don't think she understands quite how much. She has outlined her reasons - wanting a very quiet, small wedding, no awkwardness between her Father & me but I am still finding it difficult to deal with. Her brothers are equally baffled but less hurt than I am.
Please help if you can. Thank you

Franbern Thu 02-Jan-25 17:52:10

22 years ago, my son and his fiance were living in my house. She, came from USA and there were problems which effected her parents being able to come to UK, so they told me that when they did get married it would be small and all I did ask is that I would at least be notified when that was going to happen.

Sadly, in the April my youngest son died in a tragic accident. I was devastated.....as was the whole family. A year later a memorial was held for him by his work mates and as the family travelled across London on the underground I noticed that my son and fiancee were wearing identical rings. When I managed to get him alone for a few minutes I asked him about that and he (very embarrassed) told me that they had got married just four days prior to that awful death. His original plan had been to tell the family at the next time many of us were together - but with that tragic death he had kept delaying that announcement.

The longer it had gone on the harder it became to tell us, so we were now just past their first anniversary.

I felt so many emotions, but mainly anxiety not to do or say anything that would cause bad feelings between us. Nothing could turn back the clocks and allow me to be at their wedding (just them and two friends).

So, when everyone was sitting at the memorial meal, I asked for the microphone, thanked all attending and then asked for everyone to welcome my new daughter-in-law.

Just to say the wedding is so very unimportant - twenty two years later, whilst still mourning my youngest child, I see with so much joy the happiness of my eldest one with his wife.

pascal30 Thu 02-Jan-25 18:00:18

so much wisdom and empathy Franbern.. I'm so glad it all worked out and sorry to hear about your younger son...

JaneJudge Thu 02-Jan-25 18:11:13

Oh Franbern ❤️ Such a poignant post
Lots of love to you x

Luckygirl3 Thu 02-Jan-25 21:30:00

Franbern ... what courage it must have taken to welcome your Dd so generously under the circumstances. I am filled with admiration.

nochefschoice Sat 04-Jan-25 01:40:44

I'm really feeling for you... It is hurtful. As much as it's a big big day for her, it's also a big big big big day for you and her father...

Still... perhaps, you can have a relative or friend share this post you made with her.

Not you sharing it with her, rather someone else sharing with her. So she actually can see that what she's doing is making you sad.

How do friends become more important than parents..? Today's world is in a sorry sorry state.....