Advice needed please!

Your daughters wedding is one I would have wanted but I was not brave enough to do that. Just be proud you have raised such a beautiful & brave soul.

Believe me I can fully understand your daughter. Ex's when there is wine involved can spoil it for other guests however unintentional. Dont be upset. I never went to either of my son's weddings. One was in Central London , far too far for me to travel and costly to stay in London and the other in Mauritius and that was out of the question because of cost. If you feel really bad , have a word with her. You are in my thoughts.

Sadly, I knew the feeling of devestation that JulieMc feels now but it will ease.
My son and his girlfriend won a trip to Australia in a competition and said that they would get married while they were there. I suggested that my husband (his stepfather who has been incredibly kind and generous to him) and I fly out to which the answer - from DIL but relayed by my son - was that it would not be "appropriate". I was so hurt , baffled and cross. I think the reasoning was probably that her parents couldn't have afforded it so therefore ...
I suggested a party in her home town after and my son was quite keen but that never happened either so, to this day, we have never met any of her family and I think my son has only met one of her sisters.
My son and I had been very close but I'm afraid this has driven a huge wedge between us - which I regret - but after 20 odd years, I accept is probably unhealable. I have now accepted that they have chosen to be a totally isolated couple although I am pleased to say that my other son is in contact with him for Christmas and birthdays. After the marriage, they emigrated to Australia and have lived there for about 30years. We saw them when their son was born 15 years ago but nothing since.
We have to accept that most families have some dysfunctioality - just look at our Royalty!

I feel for you. My middle daughter is getting married, we assume this year, 2025. I am not invited.
Regarding your situation, a friend has been through the same, but eventually the happy couple had a wedding party, inviting parents, siblings, other relatives and friends. My friend is still hurting from being excluded from, what for the mother of the bride/groom is a day she had looked forward to, maybe since the offspring was born, the most significant day in all their lives.
I hope you can understand that for your daughter's situation, it would be very difficult and maybe cause issues on the day.
Can you help arrange a wedding party for them at a later date so everyone can celebrate?

I’m saddened to read some here dismiss the importance of this Sacrament.
A small wedding is the couples decision. Parents can give them the amount they’d have spent on the wedding the parents wanted.
Have the parents even good examples?
I wish the happy couple a long and happy contented marriage with all that’s thrown at them making their love stronger.
I’m married 54 years and yes I’d do it again.
Dress up Mum on the big day and take some photos of yourself to share later with your daughter - showing her you care.
Best wishes xx

It's her wedding day so it's up to her . Better to be involved from a distance than to be totally excluded.
Consider if she didn't tell you anything at all how would you feel then.
Take comfort from the fact you raised a girl confident enough to do what she wants to do.

You can't change her plans, but how about planning a lovely meal with them and you boys after the wedding is over and they are back from honeymoon moon (if having one). You could have it at you home. Mot the same as her wedding i know. But make it a wonderful celebration instead xxx

I think your daughter is doing the very best thing possible in the circumstances. Getting married is a big deal and not a time when her thoughts should be overtaken by worrying about the interactions between estranged family members. She couldn't not invite you and your previous DH without also not inviting her brothers so she's having a quiet event with a couple of very close friends. I think she's been brave to let you all know what's happening rather than just disappearing off somewhere and telling you all later.
Be happy for her, don't do or say anything to upset the special day and maybe ask her if she would like to go out for a nice meal or whatever with you and her brothers and partners some time after the event. Also it would be nice if you offered to help with anything she might need beforehand.
You are bound to be upset but instead try to be supportive to your very thoughtful daughter.

I had a big wedding to please parents, we actually felt no need to get married except for family pressure, we were much too young and weren't ready to settle down. We hated all the fuss and expectations and then the pressure to have children began, it is truly awful to have someone else dictate what your important life markers should be and how you should live your life. Understandably, that marriage didn't last long. (Although I've been with my current partner almost 40 years). Personally I think it sounds like the OP is describing a very sensible and mature young couple who have found their own solution to the issue of parents who are not together - they are being very fair and won't favour one side over the other, or risk any acrimony on the day. They want it to be a happy day to look back on, and it is their day. You may feel hurt, also quite understandable, but at least you and her father, and the grooms parents, have been treated the same way, so hopefully you can put your feelings aside and wish them well and look forward to their future happiness together.

I'm sorry you feel so hurt. I think your daughter isn't thinking so much ' Wedding' as we imagine it - a lavish celebration with all the family but 'Marriage' and the importance of their commitment to one another. My daughter has recently had a TINY church Wedding and I was invited as was my divorced husband, but no one else from his family and only two others from mine. Family members were hurt, but what I did was throw a big celebration party at my home (with flowers, caterers etc) the month before the big day, for those not coming to the Wedding. Could you do something like this as a compromise? That way her wishes are respected but you are a part of it. Can you include your ex husband with no acrimony? My husband left me and it was difficult for many years but we managed to get on at big occasions. His now wife was also invited but chose not to come as she has not been involved in my daughter's life. Very wise of her.

Hi there,
I can add my thoughts here but from a different angle.
When I married, we booked to go abroad just the two of us,following a bit of fuss from both sides about what and where. They would any deny it and truthfully probably are completely unaware,but it was awful at the time. We did end up going abroad and one set of family insisted they'd just turn up so we did invite others. I sat on the beach feeling flat before and after the wedding dreading the fact that everyone had forked out money they didn't have and there were little niggles about accommodation etc. As the bride, it was just awful.
When my sisters married there was more upset than jsut the odd niggle.
We have a fractured family woth a mum.and dad who won't be in the same room together actually they won't be in same house nor street.
My two sisters have never really got along although when chips are down,would support one another. I've always been the closest to the other two, daily contact with one and the other....I'm the only one she really keeps in contact with.
So, rather suprised, hurt and bemused to get a call from her to say she had asked my other sister to be her maid of honour
Other sister didn't want to be, was jealous of her for getting married first, when she had been with her partner 17 years with no sign of a wedding lots of childhood sadness, let downs, feelings of favouritism between mum and dad, upset over general life happiness....so for me,who'd alwyss sorted and been the "ear" it shattered me to them be told I'd be what I felt was, left out.
I tried not to say any thing, acted happy and went along with stuff and when I saw that other sister wasn't pulling her weight, exactly the opposite actually, with responsibilities of maid of honour
..to be honest I didn't do a lot. I regret not stepping up but i live 250 miles away, wasn't privvy, frankly had my own stuff going on and having not been "chosen" I sort of wiped my head of it. The wedding was OK but maid of honour did nothing to help at all apart from obsess about her own stuff..it's not her fault but mentally she didn't want the responsibility and it showed. I did bits n bobs to help smooth dresses etc etc but by 10pm I was on my knees and i had to go to bed myself. Apparently guests were asking where the bridesmaids were. Oh I forgot to say....I was seated off to the side without a view of either my sister, the groom or any of the family
I'd say it was the worst two seats of the entire meal and do. I saw nothing, and was seated next to some random man with severe mental health issues that I sort of looked after a bit
I'm guessing that's why I was put next to him whixh of course I was happy to do as a sort of duty.he drank a lot, told me alcohol doesn't mix with his meds and he kept applying terrified. Bless him, I am a nurse and was happy with anyone but the main issue was not feeling part of the party or the meal. I was facing everyone on a sort of round table mixed in with none of the family. Like an outcast tbh. I have no idea why....since then things have been "normal" with everyone expecting me to fix family rifts, chat, be the one to bounce stuff off. I even wondered weather i was missing something...had I fallen out with them or did they think badly of me etc etx? But no, I can't think of anything at all

6 months later....my other sister booked her wedding
They wanted a quiet do and apparently the room only took 4 people. Not sure if true but I accept what was said. They chose their two best friends as witnesses and when my sisters friend said she couldn't do it due to ongoing will health, my sisters first choice was my other sister. Again, absolutely gutted.
The wedding fell on two days off and I told her this and would have happily driven up, attended for the hour or helped her dress or whatever she needed. But no. Not required.

I cried (a lot) and then decided that they made their choices based on what they felt was diplomatic and hopefully what they wanted

I'm quiet and placid, wouldn't row etc so often take the hit.
I phoned our mum a few months after, as wanted to make sure all was settled and I asked if there was something I was doing or saying or not saying or doing...she just simply said there was nothing like that and that both sisters were jsut trying to be diplomatic with choices as didn't want to usoet eachother
It sort of made sense. Their relationship had always been strained and had they picked me on one or both occasions..there would have been ructions. Explosions even
So I miss out.
My heart feels heavy a long time after I promise you.

I am now faced with my own second wedding
I can't get excited as at the moment all I can feel is the upset the other wedding caused,so I,despite my husband to be gently encouraging me to involve everyone...probably won't have the emotional energy,time off work or the wish of any worry of potential upset.
My first wedding was such a sad affair as was the marriage afterwards (25 years of the man and it ended so sadly. Wasted my life with him)
So now,older and wiser, I'm going to take my time and perhaps organise a wedding do just us and two witnesses maybe even random people!!
Even thr possibility of a party is horrific as his side are the Waltons, the women don't work or do part time, lots of money , no idea abiut budgetting or paying bills...the whole thing would be taken over and before I know it we will be stenciling onto pallets, hanging fairy lights from trees, all in an effort to appear as though we have knocked up a kitch farm wedding for 50 quid straight out of a Cornwall living magazine (both for 30 k)
No thanks.
My point is....let them do whatever they need to do, offer any help and gently ask again "what do you guys need " please don't show upset or disappointment...I'm really sure they would have thought about all of this beforehand and jsut hoped it would all be ok. I had to decide weather this would further fracture our family...or let it all go. I didn't have a lot of choice
Lots of love. I know it hurts xx

My Son didn’t want an 18th birthday party…found out later it was because he thought me and his Dad wouldn’t get on… his 21st arranged a surprise party (his Dad and wife were in on it) we were going for a meal true and invited his Dad and his wife saying we (son and us were going to my BiL’s big birthday party…so he wouldn’t have been able to go out with his Dad and his stepmom)….We made an effort to show Son that we could get on. I’m sure that because of that when they got married and had children there were no issues and we all went.

Is it to late for you to do something similar arrange with your ex and possibly sons that aren’t invited to go for a meal and show that you could get on and then hopefully they change their mind…just a thought.

My parents were divorced - not amicabley. My father said he wouldn’t come if my mother came. My mother said she wouldn’t come if we didn’t invite her new husband. My grandmother said she wouldn’t come if my mother was invited. It was a nightmare. I didn’t know who would give me away until literally half an hour before the car arrived. Then I walked down the aisle pleading with my father to come to the reception. It was a nightmare. With hindsight, we should just have eloped. With hindsight we should never have got married. The marriage didn’t last, though I have three wonderful children so no real regrets.

I understand your daughter’s wishes and your pain. Try to be happy for her and accept her decision.

I can understand your disappointment having been in exactly the same position a few years ago. It was what they wanted - friends only - so I just had to come to terms with it. The wedding is a way off, so, you never know, things may change.

(To be honest, if I ever met anyone and remarried, I’d be inclined to do exactly the same.)

Buy a gift

I had a cousin who got married without telling his parents. I didn't understand it, but wondered if he was in some way ashamed of them as he was by then a professional and they were working class. We weren't at all close so I don't know if his wife's family went. However it sounds as though your daughter wants to avoid conflict and therefore not have you present with your ex. Choosing one over the over could be even more hurtful! As others have said it is their day and they want small and intimate. My own mother wanted a small wedding and was being pushed into inviting many of her large family. She chose to marry on a weekday in the hope that some of the more distant relatives would not be able to take the day off but it still ended up being bigger than she really wanted.! Meanwhile she had a bit of a falling out with her future MiL who wanted to invite her best friend - who my mum didn't even know.

I would suggest a small family celebration after the event which you could organise with your sons and their partners. It could be a party or just a nice meal out together, but something to mark the occasion.

My Brother in Law married a Romanian in Bucharest with only immediate family from the UK - quite a big wedding but mostly her side. Later my In-Laws organised a big party in the UK for all his family. Only his parents and brother, myself and our children attended both! My DD was to be bridesmaid and at one point my FiL didn't want me or my son to go to Romania as my husband and I were separated, but DD would not go without me as she was still upset about her dad's affair, so we were reluctantly included!

Every situation is unique, so try to accept their decision and celebrate with them later.

Personally I would wish her well, but a gift and offer to take her and her husband out for a special meal later on to celebrate. I was divorced from my husband when my daughter married and I was ver6 grateful that fortunately we had a good relationship, even with his wife, who he left me for. She sat on the top table with us, as did my partner and when he died last year, his wife insisted I travelled in the family car, I sat with the immediate family and was included in the eulogy in a beautiful, sensitive way. None of that would have happened if we’d had an acrimonious relationship. I understand it’s not always possible to have that sort of relationship with an ex, but in that case you have to expect to forfeit family occasions.

Yes I can imagine your pain but it's not just you it's all the family so your not being singled out ask her if there's anything you can help with or ask if you can arrange a meal before or after her wedding when you can celebrate it's her day try and understand and accept her wishes she may regret this decision in the future she may not don't let it spoil your relationship I am offering this advice as I have experience of a situation where I had to accept a massive decision xx good luck

It sounds a very sensible idea to me.. especially nowadays. She has respected you enough to discuss it with you so I would wish her well.. and mean it..

From reading the comments and advice, I can see why people fall out with each other. So many people have lost the capacity 'to care' for each other. Very sad.

It's upsetting, but let it be. If she had invited her brothers and left you out it would have been odd, but none of you have been included and you should accept her decision.

I have no %on endorsements, but woukd suggest the new Mel Robbins book, " Let Them".

I wonder how your daughter's fiance's parents are feeling. Do you know them? Could you and they get together for a lovely meal, all dressed up, and take a couple of snaps to share with your children later? Not in any spirit of retaliation or revenge but in the spirit of sharing their joy and feeling part of the 'event' even if at a distance.

I did something like that to my mother. She didn't speak to me for ages. It happens. Show a range of feelings if you want to. But don't let it dictate your life. You have other important parts of your life to nurture.

I can’t for the life of me understand the people saying they would be gutted it’s not your day, you ve all had your day and done it your way, whichever way you wanted
but I really think you must put it behind you and
JulieMc your daughter can see no other way of keeping you and your ex apart on her big day and she does not want to risk anything kicking off or an atmosphere so she’s treating you all equally and not inviting anybody
Of course you’re disappointed but I really think you must put it behind you and buy them a nice present and raise a glass to her and her new life in private
Might have been better if they had just eloped and told you afterwards