Advice needed please!

Smile nicely and agree some other way to celebrate with her later. If you and your ex cannot be amicable for the sake of your children you might expect more events in the future that you will miss. Maybe you need to come to an agreement with him to be polite and amicable for the sake of the family. Holding on to venom hurts no one but yourself.

20bbbbbbb1

My daughter did something very similar back in September. Similar family circumstances, I divorced from her dad back in 2009 and we've all moved on. My son and daughter have no contact with their father. Back in September I had my grandson for the weekend while my daughter and partner went on a spa weekend. On the Friday evening she sent a photo of herself and her partner who was now my son in law...they'd snuck off after dropping little one here and got married. So I can understand the hurt you are feeling. They choose two neighbours to be their witnesses...the two neighbours are older than myself. At the end of the day as much as it stung it's what they wanted and I'm glad they've made the commitment to each other for the future and for my grandson. It is hard and hurtful especially when I have friends who's daughters are getting married and mums are involved. But is it worth falling out over and losing your daughter. Hope it helps to know you're not alone.

My daughter did something similar. I was quite happy with it as I knew the couple we very well suited. Some people just don't like a fuss. We had a family meal later to mark the occasion. They are happy, that is all that mattered.

I've always believed that it's not the day that's important but what happens after. I've been happily married to my DH for 44 years and we had 5 to our wedding. Maybe offer to have a little family gathering to acknowledge the marriage when convenient. As you said you and her father were not on good terms, maybe this is the problem. Weddings also cost an arm and a leg these days. I know it's hard but respect her reasons and enjoy the future.

This is exactly what my cousin and his wife did 35 years ago - totally understand their wish for a quiet ceremony - their's was in a Church on a mountain .

I can understand you being hurt and disappointed Julie, what mum doesn't want to be there when her D gets married, but they've made their decision and there's nothing you can do about it .

Of course you are hurt and upset. This was the wedding you really wanted to be there for and a part of. I’m so sorry I can’t take this pain away for you. Your only chance is to speak again truthfully to your daughter on a one to one basis and tell her this means the world to you and ask if you can please, please be there. I send you a big hug from one mum to another x

Oh JulieMc I'm sure you are hurt and disappointed and you are perfectly entitled to.However it is your daughters day and she is entitled to do things the way she wants to.Don't let it damage your relationship,give yourself time to get use to the idea and try to enjoy and share her excitement about her new chapter x

Sounds familiar ! My only daughter not spoken to me for 17 years,,,no idea why, despite trying to find out ...I did find her online ....married with a son of 10 ...photos of the wedding with a horse and carriage ! photos of the grandson ..........I just think, well, its her life and hope she is happy !!!! no point in stressing about it ..........but would be good if I knew why !!

If I was your daughter I would do exactly the same given the dynamics of your ex husband, his new wife and your new husband, I would have hated the stress at my wedding of wondering if there would be an atmosphere, or worse, a blow up! I think that she’s invited no family members and just close friends is the way to go. And if it’s what she wants try to understand and not be hurt or upset. It’s just one day after all.

Sorry this has hurt you. We all view these big events so differently. Best to respect her decision and make other family get-togethers happy ones.
I had opposite with my son. Kept telling them to elope and save the money. But they wanted a big old hoo-ha. Their choice and it made them happy.
Maybe offer to do some sort of party to celebrate your daughter’s marriage at a later date?

Try not to take it as personal rejection. It’s their day, they get to choose.

First of all, I'd like to tell you that my heart goes out to you, because nobody can help their feelings, and right now you're hurting. However it's what we do about our feelings which affects the rest of our lives and relationships.

I think if you don't totally ignore the sparse advice to "try to persuade her" or to "tell her you're heartbroken", you are likely to find very quickly that your daughter becomes less and less involved with you - because the first is an intrusion, an invalidation of her feelings and desires and wholly selfish, whilst the second is not only emotional blackmail but almost guaranteed to make your daughter feel a horrible mixture of anger (as you'd be trying to upset her quite deliberately with that one) and guilt (because it seems you and she have been fairly close, and she cares about your feelings & doesn't WANT to hurt you) and deeply hurt (because you are choosing to make HER wedding all about you, when frankly what your adult daughter wants and makes happen has got nothing at all to do with you.)

If she had come to you and asked for you to finance her wedding the case would have been slightly different, but even then a wedding is the bride's and the groom's big day and they alone should make the decisions about how they marry and where and with whom.

I hope you can find peace with the situation as it is, and dig deep into the love you feel for your daughter so that your happiness for her will swallow up the hurt you're currently dealing with.

I've been married for 36 years and still wish I hadn't given in to my mother and my MIL with regards to our wedding; having to have a 'traditional' day and inviting family I didn't even want there! Best of it was, WE paid for everything, too! And even if you do have a close relationship with your daughter, it might just be the case that inviting you and not others, would upset the others... My niece recently told her mum the same thing. My SIL felt incredibly upset, whereas I just felt relief that I now don't have to find a suitable outfit and sit through a boring day pretending to enjoy myself! I agree with those on this thread that feel weddings are overrated! [Smile]

I am with you; I would be devastated not to be invited. I really would. How awful. But I wouldn't make a fuss about it, be happy for them getting married. They obviously love each other with is the main thing. It is so hard when children do these things, I don't think they think too much about things at all. Let them have what they want, at least everyone else is left out too. So, you are not on a beach by yourself. I do however deeply sympathize with you. Take care and be kind to yourself with a friend.

I would be upset but not show it, it's their big day to do as they want. Sometimes these big weddings end in disaster, I often think money better spent setting up home. I would take them and his is parents out for a lovely meal and give the couple my blessings and a cheque.

I can see why it feels hurtful, but I can also see why she might have done this. My DD's wedding was lovely, but there was a bit of tension due to the presence of the groom's divorced parents who were not best disposed to one another.
Maybe tell her you understand, give her your blessing and organise a quiet celebratory meal together with her new husband.

I feel for you as my son chose not to invite me, his brother and his family to his Wedding after asking my granddaughter, his niece to be bridesmaid but the circumstances were totally different. Twelve years ago my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Six weeks later my eldest son suddenly found himself a lady friend ( don't know if he was looking for a 'mother' figure?) Having declared for many years that he would never marry, nobody is going to tell me what to do! It was as if someone had put a magic spell on him. He was like a puppet doing everything she told him. She worked her 'charm' until she disconnected him from everyone Refused to join us for his father's last Christmas and told us that after Christmas she wanted nothing to do with my son's family and didn't want us at the Wedding, His dad was buried three month's later on the Friday and they married on the Saturday. I cried the whole afternoon. I don't even know if he is dead or alive.

I do think that times have changed towards weddings. They can be very expensive and the money can be used in better ways. Lot s of couples now decide to have only immediate family and may be a party at a later date. It is their day, their choice but I do know the hurt of not seeing you offspring peldge their vows.

Cossy

It’s not the “do” or the “dressing up” I’d miss, simply the exchange of rings and vows.

However, as many others have pointed out, it’s their day and their choice and that’s fine.

Yes. This is the part I'd miss.
💕

Ha ha N4nna
Lucky your son was pleased with his 21st surprise party!
I'm sure I would have been both furious and very very rude!
😬
This, more than any other comment outlines how very different we all are!

My younger daughter had a civil partnership performed a few months ago. She’s 43 this year and met her husband when she was 16. They have two children. They only needed two witnesses so I said she could have her in- laws who were desperate to be there. I gave her a lump sum as a present. After the ceremony , they went shopping and picked the children up from school. My other daughter’s wedding was a completely different affair - all bells and whistles and the mother of her chief bridesmaid jockeying for position in ALL the hundreds of photos. Her father, my ex husband, looked very uncomfortable and I found it a bit alarming - being , as you’d expect, very choreographed in places but , as well as that, too long, too noisy, a bit false, and bitchy. Glad I didn’t have to go through that again. Don’t be too upset. You have a good relationship with her. That’s what counts. It’s just one day.

My wedding was just me, my partner and 2 witnesses. No fuss, what we wanted and how it should be. Weddings get out of hand, get stressfull, costly and lise the actual meaning as its about the 2 people getting married. It's not like she's invited her father and not you she's just chosen what her and her partner want. If you want to celebrate with them organise and pay for a party/ dinner at a later date.

I wonder if it's anything to do with being mother-of-the-bride?

I was quite shocked to find that my mother was looking forward to being mother-of-the-bride because she hated being in the limelight.

My daughter and her fiancée are gettingarried abroad without family being oresent. I'm rather relieved that I do t have to travel thousands of miles to a destination I would not g
Have chosen myself . However but she and her fiancée have decided on a home reception/ party at a nice venue locally one month after their return, which is a happy compromise.

I'd tell your daughter that you are disappointed you will not be there on the day, but that you understand her reasons. Ask her if she would agree to a post wedding reception/party/ dinner after the event, as your way of congratulating the couple and marking the event. She can only say no but she might be willing to compromise.

That's really awful Niucla I don't know what else to say .