Advice needed please!

It really is her day and nobody else's. What are you upset about? Missing a party? Not being able to dress up? Not witnessing their vows? At least she told you she'd be getting married, which suggests that she wasn't intending to blank you. Marriage isn't just a fancy wedding, there's a whole lifetime after that (if you're lucky). Just try to be happy that she's happy.

Unless one of my children was marrying abroad and alone I too would be so disappointed and upset.

But if they discussed their arrangements in advance I guess I’d have no other option than accept this.

Be generous.
It's their choice, they are not doing it to hurt.

They haven't stopped loving family, they're just choosing what's right for them.

When we were students two close friends were late to meet us in a pub one afternoon.

A man and woman had apparently come out of the registry office and were in something of a panic scouring the street for people - they said "can you please spare 15 mins?" They needed someone to witness their marriage. The couple didn't want to involve friends or family.

Our friends said it was truly joyous and they were obviously very much in love.
The newly-weds afterwards gave them a lift to the pub and cash for a pint "to toast their marriage".

What a sensible young woman! She has put up with being embarrassed by the behaviour of her divorced parents for years, apparently, and is unwilling to have her wedding turned into a nightmare.

So, you and her brothers need to respect her decision and try to get over your hurt feelings.

Invite her and her husband to a nice meal when they come home from their honeymoon, if they are having one, and let her father and step-mother do what they want to mark the occasion.

Ask her brothers if they want to be present at your do, or if they feel that will rock the boat vis á vis father and stepmother.

It is often said that the more lavish the wedding, the shorter the marriage. So let’s hope your daughter’s marriage is a long and happy one. Of course you are disappointed, but it is not as if you alone are left out. It is the wedding the couple want.

A friend of mine took off to Gretna Green with her fiance, her parents knew as did her fiance's parents, but they wanted the romance of an elopement style wedding. So was just them and a couple of friends to act as witnesses.
Just let them have their day. It is just one day, the rest of their lives is what really matters.

NotSpaghetti, that is what he said. He said he didn't do it for a graduation he did it for the love of learning his subject and that achievement. I sucked it up

JaneJudge I went to my graduation because my parents made a big deal of it.

I didn't want to go. I was "guilt tripped" into it "first in the family, how proud they were..."

I had my postgraduate degree certificate posted to me. That degree was much more meaningful to me in terms of learning. I know I did some amazing work that time round. I didn't need the presentation - as the love for my subject was deep in my heart.

Your daughter is secure in her love. She does not need the outward show. Be thankful that she is secure in what is in her heart 🙏

I understand why you are upset - one of my sons didn't want to go to his graduation and had his degree certificate sent through the post. I so wanted to go because it was only going to happen once and I was so proud of him. Anyway, it came through the post and I had to let it go and you will have to do the same. It is not the end of the world x

I'm sorry your daughter has upset you with her wedding plans.

My parents wanted us to have lovely large Church weddings - my sisters did, I resisted. We were married in our Church, with only our families invited, not elaborate or fancy in any way.

So far our marriage has lasted over 60 years, the important bit to me. Maybe at 70 years we'll have some sort of party marking the years - I doubt it.

Perhaps pray your daughter is happy, her marriage endures.

Someone I used to work with paid over £30,000 for their daughter’s wedding and they separated about 8 months later! I feel for you JulieMc but, as others say, it is your daughter’s decision so swallow your hurt and wish her well

Your daughter and her partner have made their choice and given their reasons for it and you have to accept it.
Do not try to persuade them to change, just be happy for them.
I knew a couple who wanted to be married but, both very shy, they dreaded a large wedding. They planned to go to a large rock concert with a group of friends, disappear to a pre-booked Registry Office to marry, tell their friends and celebrate at the concert. Regrettably they told their parents a few days before; both mothers went into overdrive, insisted on coming to the wedding, booked a hotel and invited other family members. Then the concert was cancelled. The wedding took place, then another celebration was organised in their home town and the couple's dream of a small private ceremony was ruined and 'their day' spoilt.

what a lot of fuss about a wedding, just about the most overrated event on the plant
👏👏👏👏
I had a small Registry office wedding when I married in 1969.
I’ve been with my now partner 45 years. The subject of marriage has never come up.
I told my daughter many years ago that I would give her the deposit for a house but no way on earth was I paying for a big wedding.

Grannytomany

Your daughter has obviously given much thought to the wedding and the family issues which would have needed to be dealt with and come to the conclusion that she if she couldn’t invite all the family without very possibly causing disruptive issues on the day (or at any other time) she was better off not inviting any family. She is at least treating you all the same.

I think you should swallow your hurt and support her choice. Don’t spoil her wedding day and also potentially your good relationship with her for the sake of not seeing her getting married. It’s just one day. Find a way of celebrating with her afterwards. She wants a quiet, peaceful day and you should let her have one.

I agree with all of this.

PM sent

I had a very low key wedding 56 years ago. My parents would a have liked a more traditional one but I am practical. I didn’t attend church at the time so would have felt a hypocrite and I wanted to spend the money on an outfit I would wear again and again.

My DM respected my wishes a said I must do whatever I wanted as she had been forced into a big wedding.

Respect your DD’s wishes. As someone said at least you are all being treated the same.

Oh how I agree with your daughter and although I can understand your upset as her not thinking in a traditional way and in ‘ ‘your way’ but oh how sensible
My eldest grandaughter had a huge no bars hold wedding to a teen sweetheart they had adored each other for about 4 years 3 years on she waiting for a divorce I don’t need to say any more
Embrace her decision we are all different

I'm in agreement with Monica on this. So much money, so much fuss, treading on eggshells due to family complications. Your daughter has told you of her plans, she isn't hiding it from you, she and her partner sound very sensible and if she were my daughter I would tell her so and suggest you and the rest of your close family go out for a lovely meal later on and celebrate their wedding then. Don't let your disappointment show and cast a shadow over their day, you have the rest of your life to see them enjoying their future together.

Your daughter has obviously given much thought to the wedding and the family issues which would have needed to be dealt with and come to the conclusion that she if she couldn’t invite all the family without very possibly causing disruptive issues on the day (or at any other time) she was better off not inviting any family. She is at least treating you all the same.

I think you should swallow your hurt and support her choice. Don’t spoil her wedding day and also potentially your good relationship with her for the sake of not seeing her getting married. It’s just one day. Find a way of celebrating with her afterwards. She wants a quiet, peaceful day and you should let her have one.

Both my nieces eloped.The first one had a party the week after her wedding and announced it then the second called her mum from the airport to say she was on her way to her honeymoon.
To be honest it’s what my husband and I wanted to do but in our day you did what your parents wanted so it was over 100 guests in church and a nice hotel reception.Parents paid for it all but it really wasn,t what we would have preferred.If she,s old enough to marry without permissions that’s 16 in Scotland then she,s old enough to decide what kind of wedding she wants .Dont spoil it for her she won’t forgive you if you try to get her to do it your way instead of theirs

What a lot of fuss about a wedding, just about the most over-rated event on this planet.

Since childhood I have been bemused by this need to dress up, have huge parties and, in many cases spend ridiculous sums of money, to mark a relationship that, as we know, is so often a total failure.

My own dream was always a wedding like that chosen by the OP's daughter. However first time around I did agree for DH's sake, as much as anything to have 20 close family present, but kept the rest of the event is simple as possible.

I always vowed that next time I got married that i would do what the OP's daughter plans - except that 56 years on, I am still married to Husband No 1.

My own daughter, with views similar to mine chose to skip the whole thing. She decided when quite young that she preferred to be single, uncommitted and childless - and she has done just that, so saved us any problems with weddings.

The events to celebrate are the ones that show the marriage was a serious event and the couple of staying power. 10, 25, 50 year anniversaries are worth pushing the boat out for, and entertaining family and friends, but its initiation is best kept as low key as possible.

I do appreciate how upset the OP is and at a personal level, I sympathise with her devastation. But more generally, as far as I am concerned the more weddings like this one the better.

Sorry pressed too soon.
My Dsis chose to do this. Just 2 witnesses at the Registery Office.
In this case it was because of her DH fractured family.
They are still happily married after 53 years.

My Dsis chose to do

I do have a daughter and she chose to have a big family wedding. I was having cancer treatment at the time but even so I would have had to respect her wishes if she had chosen otherwise.

My advice is to just go with it- no doubt there is disappointment but in the end better not to make a fuss and make daughter feel torn or guilty about her decision.

I think there is a reason why there should be no family involvement on any side and those wishes should be respected. Hard but the only way to go.