worrying about death

Deum!

A moving post Whiff, and I know life has been hard in the years since your husband’s premature death but thank goodness you accepted his last gift/legacy inasmuch as he wanted you to live your life to the full.
🌺🙏🏾

Thank you all for your messages,i will really try to take from them.I know we all will die,but after loosing dad,seeing mum just existing,just makes me so scared of what is ahead and worrying about not having the other half of me.I know i should be grateful for what i have and at 63 and still fit and healthy a lot to be grateful for.I had dad for 60 years,i just relive that last week over and over and as i said mum exists for now,i did say to her this week if dad came back he would see a big difference in her and it is my job to try and help her,we talk non stop about dad because neither of us has accepted it mad i know 2 years on but he was so alive and seemed fine the last time i saw him how could he be gone,mum was expecting him home from hospital the same day so she never really said goodbye,he always kissed her goodbye that last day i picked him up for the hospital and he rushed out no kiss and that plays on her mind,mine is seeing him sitting in the hospital waiting room as i drove off and the last chat 30 minutes before his op i keep thinking of all the things i should have said,and i know he would hate to see me like this but i cannot help myself my husband knows how i feel and he is a great support,so i have him my mum and my daughter inlaw,my son as yet i cannot talk to and he know i cannot i will one day but i think that is the day that will hurt the most because my dad loved him so much an only grandchild 41 years old now but i feel guilty over that.I think i am a big time overthinker.
Again thank you all it feels so good to ask for help and someone a stranger is kind enough to offer a few words.

I have to admit I,m scared of who will be next .7 deaths of close friends since the beginning of November most we,d known for over 40 years.It makes you feel very vulnerable.Its something we just need to work through ,difficult as it is.The main problem I have is I cry a lot ,and I have family who have serious illnesses,so ever time the phone rings I panic.

I wish you well on this toughest of journeys I,m sure peace will come given time but grief isn,t an illness and you,ll work through all the different stages in your own way in your own time .All the best for 2025

Hello Dawn62 there’s some good advice written by other Gransnetters.
I’ve had similar experience as you’ve described and my biggest regret was not accepting I was ‘flailing big time’ and that I should’ve sought counselling. I figured we all have to deal with a parent’s death and face grief….
I wish I’d realised by seeking help from my gp would’ve been the first step of doing something for ‘me’ and was not a sign of weakness. I do hope you can find a way forward and arrive at a more settled mindset.

Dawn62 it sounds as if your Mum is in need of help too and, I'm sorry to say, it won't be doing her any good to see that you regard her home as empty although she is living in it.
Treasure your Mum and please do look for help for both of you.

that fearing the future takes away our ability to live in the present. And that’s all we have.
This.

I think you need to speak to professional about how you are feeling. To lose a loved one is horrendous of course it is and your life does change to a certain extent. Your thoughts see to be racing ahead you need to be calmer. You seem to be overthinking things .please get some professional help it can’t be helping your mum to hear this .it can’t be doing your mental health any good either.

My husband and I had been married for 60 years when he died. We had been friends for many years before that. It was such a sad time, and I remarked to my son that I wished that his Dad could have taken me with him. My son said, Dad is in your head, and in your heart. He is always with you. I found great comfort in that.

LaCrepescule

Deum!

Diem, I think😀. Carpe diem, seize the day.

Dawn, we lost our son (aged 25) in 2009. He was our only child. He was serving with the peace keeping forces in Kosovo. We believed our lives had come to an end, the grief was unbearable. However, over the years, and with great support from others who love us, we have managed to move on with our lives. We have wonderful god-children (the children of my son's military friends) and a wonderful set of friends (who were is friends and who never leave us out of any family gatherings, Christmas', Easters' etc). What we have learned over the years is that, yes, life is too short - much shorter for some, but there is a life after the death of a loved one. We promised ourselves that we would never, ever refuse an invitation - and believe me we get a lot, and sometimes we are so comfy at home, settled for the evening, and then get a text/phone call to say "hey we are up the pub / getting together / having a bbq. Please come". We make the effort and have never regretted doing so. There are a lot of "firsts" with grief and I think you should go and see to the car - it does cars no good to be left unattended for a long period of time - you may never ever be able to sell it. Make that one goal to moving on. Baby steps.
I truly wish you well, but please remember that there are a lot of people out there who love you. Your grief will never end, but you will be able to manage it as time goes on

The thought of losing dh does worry me, ditto the thought of him being left alone.

Other than that, though, my main concern is the thought of not dying before I become physically or mentally (or both) incapable of caring for myself. I hate the thought of being a worry or a burden to dds, not to mention the thought of thousands of £££ a month going on care home fees. I want whatever we’ve managed to accrue to go to dds, to make their lives easier.

You would feel a little better if you make a list of things to do. For instance

* sell car
* get house valued
* ask mother what she wants to do
* visit lawyer
* don't waste energy worrying, just do what you must do.

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If you loved the person who has died ,they are always with you......in you're head and in your heart.

Dawn62

Hello,me again looking for advice,you were there for me when my dad was ill in oct 22 and when we lost him oct 17th 22 and all the stuff i have in my mixed up head.Two years on and third awful xmas without dad and my 63rd birthday on xmas day so i am old enough to know better,but i lay awake at night knowing either me or my husband of 42 years will face loosing one of us and it is eating away at me,crazy i keep telling myself to get a grip but i go over and over this and i honestly do not think i could cope when the time comes so i hope it is me first,dad going has broken me inside and i try to cope on the outside but inside i feel dead and i struggle to get by i am still finishing off his business that should be finished by april,then i have to get my mums new will sorted and i will be ready to start my next chapter i keep telling myself,we want to move house.Mum is 80 and i think she will fade after all dads bits are finished,she keeps telling me she promised to stay until things were sorted because of the toxic relationship i have with my sister oh and we still have dads car to sell and that will be hard,because dad was always in that car,it is in her garage and she hasn't even opened the car door in two years,my sister did she thought she could have it at one point,but it will be sold i do not think i can look at it,i hate going into her house now it is just empty no dad,who would always call to me as i put my foot into the door,i have to keep trying to pull myself together i am frightened if i let go i will never stop crying and i wont bring him back.
but it is this silly worry of death i have,i know one of us will die but the worry is stopping me enjoy what time we do have,any words of any kind would be helpful even just to say be grateful for what you have,and i am and yet i still have this feeling.many thanks.

I know how you feel. I used to look at my gorgeous, wonderful husband and hope I would die first because I couldn’t cope if I lost him, and would definitely not be able to go on.
Sadly, we don’t get to choose if we live or die, or when . He died five years ago. Against all odds, I am still here!
It is horrendous to lose a spouse, especially if you have had a happy marriage. We had been married for 55 years and we were friends, lovers, soulmates and all that stuff!
At first, I was numb and didn’t feel anything at all, which was worrying, but obviously that didn’t last. The floodgates opened with a vengeance one night, and when it was over, I felt calmer.
We had two daughters who both went on to have our grandchildren that we were close to. I realised that I had to keep going for their sakes and I had to make a happy life for myself that didn’t depend on them having to alter theirs to accommodate me.
I have done that. Obviously I am not anywhere near as happy as I was when my husband was alive, but I am happy as I can be,. We had discussed death once and my husband pointed out that the death of one of us would change the life of the other but must not change the lives of our family.
As it turns out, because we are a close family, I see them often, but don’t impinge on their lives. Luckily, I like my own company and don’t need people around me all the time.
It helps to have a hobby, and if you like clubs, join one.
My husband once said, ‘if I die before you, please live your life for me and have fun’. That’s what I am doing.

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You're not alone in feeling this way—grief can leave deep wounds that don’t follow a timeline. Losing your dad was a huge loss, and it’s no wonder you're struggling with fear and sadness. What you’re feeling isn’t silly—it’s human. Try to take things one step at a time, and be kind to yourself. You're carrying so much, yet still showing up every day—that’s strength. Talk to someone if you can, even a counselor. And yes, be grateful—but also allow yourself to grieve. It's okay to not be okay.

I would start attending church and learning about the eternal life which Jesus offers, make sure I get that life and tell everyone else around me.

Milsa if you want to be believe in god and think of eternal life that is your choice . But don't tell others how to live there live or what to believe.

I am atheist and respect others believe in which ever god they believe in . But I do expect people that it is my choice not to believe in any gods. And do not need telling by others I am wrong or as some people have told me I will burn in the fires of hell.

I will burn but at my cremation. As I don't believe in any gods nor do I believe in a devil.

But I do believe there is evil people in this world which do awful things but that's there choice they do it because they want to. It has nothing to do with believe it not .

Dawn, as I know so well, grief can seem intractable. I agree with others that bereavement counselling can help.
But you will help yourself if you help your mother. Take her on outings when you can, spoil her a bit, have fun, it will start to feel real eventually.
And try if you can to be your best loving wife to your husband. He must be worried about you, also wondering if he really has been the number one man in your life.
It is so hard, most of us know all about it too.

There are grief groups called Death cafes at churches. Sounds grotesque as a name but worth giving it a chance.