Feel second best in relation to DIL other grandmother

Many of us on here are in the same position. It is unfair and I don’t think the parents have a clue how we feel. You could let them know without trying to make them feel sorry for you. You could explain how you’d like to be more involved with the children’s lives as they grow up so quickly. Keep showing an interest and be enthusiastic about what’s going on in their lives without seeming intrusive. It’s a fine line.

It is usually a very different situation when your own daughter and your own son have a child, I understand totally. But the closeness with your grandchild can be just as rewarding in its own way. Try not to think of yourself as second best, did anything happen to make you feel particularly sad today?

I see it as developing different relationships and being complementary to each other

Over the years our DDiL's mother has become a dear friend. She lives a couple of miles from DS and family, and we live 200 miles away. She was there when the DGC were little, but we have been able o do different things with them, having them to stay on their own, for up to a week, taking thm places and doing things with them that the other grandmother did not do. DGD is good needlewoman because Itught her to sew.

So do not see yourself as a secondary grandmother. See yourself as a complementary grandmother. Perhaps while the DGC are tiny your companion grandmother will see more of them, but, wih the right attitude you will be able to find ways of developing your relationship with your grandchildren doing things your companion grandmother does not do.

You could discuss the issue with your son and DiL, but life ain't perfect. We wished we lived closer to our only grandchildren and could have seen more of them - the first flies off to university this autumn, but thats life.

Thank you. Don’t want to go into too much detail as don’t want to be recognised. I will take all your comments on board. In a way it brings back old feelings long buried about my late MIL making it VERY clear how much she favoured her own DD children.

Daughters are usually closer and more involved with their mothers than sons are. It therefore follows that daughters in law gravitate towards their own mothers and in turn their children (your grandchildren) have more exposure to the maternal granny. Your son will follow his wife's lead where matters of family are concerned as she is now, quite rightly, the number one woman in his life. It's a story as old as time and I don't ever see it changing. Just make the most of the time you do have with the grandchildren. Grandchildren shouldn't define us. Do you have any other interests in your life? Are you a widow?

Are you seing them less than before the children were born?
I think that is often the key to how often we see grandchildren.

For rather unusual reasons, I dont have this. Thankfully.
If I did, I think I would be having rather stern words with my sons.[while accepting that as flappergirl says, the story is as old as time].
Does your son know accurately, how you are feeling?

This is about the relationship with your son, not DIL other grandmother.

It is not a competition

Hithere

This is about the relationship with your son, not DIL other grandmother.

It is not a competition

Absolutely- well said!

Posters above obviously have little understanding of this kind of situation. Please be kind.

Sending Sallywally a big hug. I understand how you feel.

How old (approximately) are the grandchildren? If they’re quite young then perhaps some of it is more that mother and daughter are spending time together, with the children in tow. Rather than the other grannie gets deliberately more time with them.

The other thing I wonder Sally is whether you might have been a bit overwhelming with your “multiple offers of help” and this has caused the parents to draw back.

I know you don’t want to “out” your family but it’s hard to tell what’s really happening from the little you’ve said.

M0nica

I see it as developing different relationships and being complementary to each other

Over the years our DDiL's mother has become a dear friend. She lives a couple of miles from DS and family, and we live 200 miles away. She was there when the DGC were little, but we have been able o do different things with them, having them to stay on their own, for up to a week, taking thm places and doing things with them that the other grandmother did not do. DGD is good needlewoman because Itught her to sew.

So do not see yourself as a secondary grandmother. See yourself as a complementary grandmother. Perhaps while the DGC are tiny your companion grandmother will see more of them, but, wih the right attitude you will be able to find ways of developing your relationship with your grandchildren doing things your companion grandmother does not do.

You could discuss the issue with your son and DiL, but life ain't perfect. We wished we lived closer to our only grandchildren and could have seen more of them - the first flies off to university this autumn, but thats life.

This is wonderfully put. Comparison is the the thief of joy is the saying isn’t it ? And it’s true. No two relationships are exactly the same and all relationships ebb and flow with time , I’d try to focus only on what your relationship has and not what you feel anyone else may be getting.

NotSpaghetti

Are you seing them less than before the children were born?
I think that is often the key to how often we see grandchildren.

I do believe this is key most of the time. If your dil and her mum were close before babies and often got together socially and did things it would stand to reason she would continue that with babies and young children. Think about how often you got together socially with your son or with himself and his wife pre children. If it’s the same amount then there thou have it.

Sorry Sally. It is hard. And hard too when you feel you can't really say anything (even on GN) without sounding whiney. You dont btw. This scenario is played out in so many versions- and its not just about Dil. It can be when your own DD actually gets on better, shares more news, lives nearer to and sees more of her own Mil. It hurts! But the harder you try the worse it can be. Being open handed and keeping your heart soft feels like the only way to be. Hard tho. Take care x

We saw much more of our maternal gran than our paternal one. Consequently we found maternal gran rather dull and paternal gran much more interesting

So many of these thoughts seem to fall into a trap, resentment building towards other grandparents and the DIL. You should be thinking to yourself that you would like to see more of your grandchildren and therefore be reaching out to your son about this. You must however be reminded that schedules are busy, young children are rather tiring. Perhaps without comparison to other grandparents you would not feel so slighted.

Yes, Franski has said it for me. When my daughter had her first baby, I was going through a divorce, was working part-time, but helped as much as I could. Her m.I.l. had all the time in the world and helped out an awful lot, going with my daughter for all the ‘appointments’ etc. I felt sad, but was glad that my daughter had someone to help and support her. My daughter is now divorced, but she and her ex m.I.l are still quite close. And they are excellent grandparents. Couldn’t ask for better.
Sallywally - you are not second best.

Perhaps think about how many times you saw your son prior to his children's birth and attempt no comparison with his mil.

We've daughters and I admit not understanding need to "help" as our daughters require no help, neither did I years ago. Perhaps offer less help?

I truly hope you can be happy with whatever happens.

I am a paternal grandmother. I see very much less of my grandchildren than does my daughter in law’s mother. We both live some considerable distance away but she has fewer commitments than me, quite apart from women naturally gravitating towards their mothers. She can hop on a train, I can’t. It’s not a competition and much as I would like to see more of my grandchildren I accept the reality of the situation. Life is what it is. I don’t try to live it through my child and grandchildren. I’m grateful for what I can have and count my blessings.

I am a paternal grandmother. It was the opposite way round for me for reasons I cannot reveal on here as it will out me.
My grandchildren are all grown up now and still refer to when they were small children and I did loads of things for them.
Try not to take it too hard, I know it is difficult.They are your grandchildren as well, just keep telling them that you love them very much, even though they do not see you so often.
I did not see eye to eye with my own MIL, but she never made any distinction between any of her grandchildren, my DH's sister lived local too her as did my DH and myself so she saw all of us regularly.My DM lived a few miles away and was working full time so did not see as much of my children.
I can remember not seeing my paternal grandmother very much, due to distance and the fact my mother and her did not get on.She still remembered all of us on birthdays and Christmas.I saw my maternal grandparents nearly every day as they lived very near us.This I know was a source of annoyance to my father but it could not be helped.

keeping your heart soft
This is exactly it, Franski

How is your relationship with your DIL? Normally (not always) it's the women doing the lions share of childcare (I do about 95% compared to my partners token 5% haha) so if she's close to her parents, it makes sense that she will want to see them more (she will want time with her own parents) and consequently they will see the grandkids more too. This also generally means that the DIL will organise babysitting and, being closer to her own parents, will generally always ask them first. I understand that this may feel unfair to you but really, neither set of grandparents is 'entitled' to babysit, babysitting is for the convenience of the parents so they can have some downtime and a DIL will pick those who she trusts most in the world with her child/children. I would advise you shift your focus and work to become closer with your DIL so she's likely to ask you too in future. For now, I would just enjoy the time you do get with your grandkids because fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.

I adore all my grandchildren, obviously, but I’m geographically closest to the eldest so I help whenever needed. One lives abroad, the others are a couple of hours from me so visits are months apart but they live around the corner from my son-in-law’s mum and they see her a few times a week. I’m absolutely delighted that she is there for them, it honestly would never occur to me to feel overlooked in any way. When my own children were small we lived a few hours away from both grannies but visited them fairly equally, and neither of them did much in the way of babysitting.

I’ve had my time with my own little ones, I’m not the slightest bit possessive now they have their own children.

We had 3 daughters, when they got married my wife told them directly “make MIL a friend”, they all did and my wife had a lesser share of the GC. There was never any animosity, to her the best chance of a successful marriage was to reach out to MIL.