Dad's Ashes

Your loved one is always with you after their death. They are in your head and in your heart.

It's good to see your follow up post and to know that you've been helped to come to terms with this and have begun to move on with acceptance.

I can understand, despite knowing your mum's nature that you found this particularly difficult as you've been supporting both mum and dad for the last 6 years, and were in particular there for your dad throughout his cancer.

You chose to post here about your feelings rather than say anything to your mum, which IMO was the right thing to do for both of you as it's given you the time you needed to to accept what happened.

I wish you peace as you continue to provide the care and support your mum needs and best wishes for the future .

Thank you for the comments and advice. It has certainly helped me come to terms with things and move on a bit with my acceptance of the situation. I have also found it interesting how different people have responded to me and when accusing me of being judgmental have sometimes in effect done the same to me when criticising my own reactions! But mainly supportive and lovely comments which have helped. There is also more to the story than I’d originally written as my mum and dad have lived with us to be supported in their old age for the last 6 years . I have been there throughout my dad’s cancer diagnosis on a daily basis and now support mum with heart issues. Her coldness runs through many aspects of her personality and I accept this in many aspects of life but this particular issue was a difficult one for me. But I have needed to put it behind me and move on as on a day to day basis she needs my care and support. Dad never wanted to be a worry to anyone and would hate me holding any negative thoughts and that also inspires me to accept and respect that she has dealt with his death in her own way . Once again thanks to the patient and wise ones amongst you .

How lovely

Didn’t mean to post the pic, but it’s DH looking at the very spot.

When DH’s best friend died in 2020, we (with his wife and daughter) scattered his ashes on a hillside, where he and DH used to sit to eat their lunch, during dog training. DH immediately said he too wanted to be scattered there. Fast forward to November 2021 and the DDs, his DS, his best friend and I fulfilled his wishes. He’d been kept in a ‘woodland tube’ on my hearth, until the right time, when I knew he’d want to be ‘set free’ to roam that hillside again. No regrets.

Whiff

No it is a competition Luminance but I answered your insinuation that I didn't know about grief . And with that I will leave this thread.

I made no such insinuation, I was actually referring to the daughter being younger than the mother and having likely experienced less of grief to help her understand her mother. I do not understand your reasoning for thinking I would insinuate anything, we have never conversed. I was simply pointing out a grieving daughter deserves empathy too and we should not be hypocritical which was spoken in a forthright manner.

People happily married often marry again soon after they are widowed. If not, they don't.

Whiff

No it is a competition Luminance but I answered your insinuation that I didn't know about grief . And with that I will leave this thread.

Sorry you felt the need to leave Whiff, your contributions on bereavement and grief are always appreciated.
Take care 🌺🙏🏾

No it is a competition Luminance but I answered your insinuation that I didn't know about grief . And with that I will leave this thread.

I rather feel grief is not a competition and the individuals feelings matter.

Luminance I have and still experience the grief my husband dieing aged 47 ,21 years next month ,my parents dieing and other family members. I have sat and watched 3 people die in front of me so I do know about grief all to well. And the grief for my husband gets worse as the years go by and even after all this time it can still overwhelm me . And it is bone crushing . But I cope because of him and live my life for us both . At the moment I need him all the more after a week's stay in 2 hospitals due to having a heart attack. But it didn't present the usual heart attack symptoms .

I fully understand the various types of grief . And the fact the grief for a spouse or partner not only do they die but half of you dies to. And you are never whole again. But that is the heavy price we pay for love . The love for the person who makes you whole you are eachothers other half the only person in the whole world who knows the real you and you them.

Grief for a parent is different especially if they have lived a long life and want to die .

The worse grief is that of a death of a child and how parents get through everyday I don't know . But they do and on the bereavement threads they help others even though hurting so much themselves.

So don't think for a second I don't know about grief. SuzyQqq is experiencing the grief as a daughter and should not be judging her mom . She has no idea how much her mom is hurting and what her mom can cope with . It's takes years to learn to cope from the death of a spouse or partner.

We have just done our lasting power of attorney and paid for direct cremations. A friend's wife arranged his direct cremation and several weeks later had a 'party' in a local hall with lovely food and photos of them.

Whiff

Funny how SuzyQqq hasn't been back . Hopefully she has realised that instead of judging her mom she should cherish her .

I would have thought because she herself is grieving a loss and struggled to understand what was an unusual reaction. Those who have not experienced much grief may not understand it. I think while counselling her to be kind with another person in grief we could also be kind to her with her own or we would be rather hypocritical.

Funny how SuzyQqq hasn't been back . Hopefully she has realised that instead of judging her mom she should cherish her .

DH’s ashes are interred in our lovely church yard, to be joined by mine in due course. The stone which marks the spot has room for my name and dates to be added. It won’t be a place for the family to visit - too far flung - but there will be a physical reminder that we existed and that we loved one another. I find this surprisingly comforting.

Huia

Why would you visit ashes? His spirit is no longer there.

It is also about the living, about grief, about wanting to visit a grave or a place where the ashes are scattered to remember and to cry or even say a few words to the person who has died. It can help loved ones to cope.

Why would you visit ashes? His spirit is no longer there.

Mum and dad's ashes are on the top of my sister's wardrobe.
Keep trying to arrange the interment. Ds excuses include
It's too cold for them.
Too hot for them
Too noisy in the church yard
I have now told her to let me know when she is ready.
It's coming up to 2 years.

Hellogirl1

My husband died over 8 years ago, after 53 years of marriage. He wanted to be cremated, and the family took his ashes to his favourite place, a tiny seaside hamlet in Kintyre, Soop knows where. My daughter died a few weeks ago, her ashes are now in the front room, what was her bedroom, waiting for me to pop my clogs, then we are both going to join my husband. It was distressing to be at the scattering, in the sea, but I couldn`t have not been there.

So sorry about your recent loss of your daughter and of your DH before that.
Thinking of you.
🌺🙏🏾

Although my mum attended my dad’s funeral, she never ever visited his grave again. When asked, she said: what’s the point, he isn’t there anyway, I can remember him just as well at home.

Our two sets of parents ashes were left at the crem. There is no right or wrong way.

I agee with other peoples answers. No one knows how you will feel until it happens to you. So may I make a suggestion? Perhaps you would like to look back over your time with your dad, and think of the place or time that meant the most to you. Then you could go to that place, take a picnic which contains food that meant something to you both, and just go yourself to be able to sit and think of all the lovely times you shared. You may find that sad but lovely as you look back over the evidence of the love you shared. If you are able to have an occasion that has nothing to do with other people but has much meaning to you and your dad. Take that time to acknowledge all this meant to you and you may find it quite calming and accepting the way you feel , as you come to accept your mothers feelings. To actually speak about how you feel can be extremely painful, and she may not feel able to explain why she behaved as she did, or if her strategy worked and it helped her to survive.

It's just very final, isn't it.

There aren't so many burials now but we went to the funeral of a friend a while ago; it was a burial and seeing his coffin being lowered into the ground seemed worse, somehow.

Your mum knows where your dad's ashes are buried, SuzyQ. She may decide to visit the place, she may not. She will mourn him her own way, as we all must.
My DH's ashes are in the coat cupboard. They've been there for two years. I've told the AC to mix mine in with his when I die, and dispose of them anywhere they like. All we ever wanted was to be together.