Dad's Ashes

Her choice, her business, her right.

Her way of dealing with her loss. Nothing to do with lack of respect.

Oh suzy, we all grieve differently. It was important to you to be there today to think about your Dad, it’s quite possible that your Mum’s choice was her way of doing the same. Your Mum respected your need, please also respect hers. I’m sorry for the loss you have both experienced.

Grief is never an uncomplicated matter. Others do not express it as we would. Lack of feeling or empathy can be a rather clear sign of a mind entering dementia if unusual. I am deeply sorry for your loss and you should not allow this to prevent your own grief.

Barleyfields

Her way of dealing with her loss. Nothing to do with lack of respect.

Everyone deals with loss differently. Perhaps it was too difficult for her.

Trisha99

Barleyfields

Her way of dealing with her loss. Nothing to do with lack of respect.

Everyone deals with loss differently. Perhaps it was too difficult for her.

Sorry that should’ve read ‘ I agree everyone deals with loss differently’

You could arrange to have a plaque put there if you'd like, I think.

This was how your mother dealt with this, presumably she attended the service and couldn't face any more.

We all deal with grief differently

Sorry for your loss SuzyQ.
Just support your mum through a very difficult time.
I hope she is helping you too.

Your Mum is coping as best she can , dealing with the situation her way, she is entitled to that. You wanted to be there to bury the ashes - your choice , she chose not to be there , her choice. It's as simple as that. Obviously I don't know the circumstances of your father death but your Mum may simply be exhausted and the service at the crematorium was all she could cope with. Having her hair done was not showing a lack of respect it may well have been her way of escaping trauma . She has lost her life partner, you have lost your father - the two relationships are very different and you will grieve differently. Losing a father is awful I recognize that, but to lose a spouse/ partner must be a very different form of grief. Please cut your Mum some slack and let her deal with her monumental loss in her own way. 💐💐

I can understand how susyQ feels.. A dear 85year old friend of ours passed away a couple of years ago. Hardly a few months passed and his wife of 60years started going out with his best friend. Even though I was only a friend, I was hurting for him, because I knew he absolutely adored her. Yes, everyone grieves differently, but dating so soon after the loss of your husband, really grates.

My Mum's ashes were scattered in the rose garden at the crematorium some time after her service, none of us attended that part.

Maybe your dad always liked to see your mum with her hair newly done, so she could think of him then?

But no you are not being unreasonable, you just feel differently to how your mum feels.
Don't let this spoil your relationship xx

SuzyQqq please don't judge your mom. You have no idea how much your mom is grieving . Your grief is different to your mom's. You have to realise your mom has lost half of herself.
I was widowed 21 years ago next month but I could never do anything with my husband's ashes they are still in my wardrobe. I know it's not him just a box of ashes but by scattering them I would be throwing him away. I know he's dead I was with him and told him to stop struggling as he couldn't breath he died few minutes later. His ashes aren't him but I have never been able to part with them.

You mom is hurting and couldn't bear having his ashes or seeing them buried. I don't know if you are married or widow but until you know the bone crushing grief of your other half dieing you have no idea how much your mom hurts.

My daughter will scatter my husband's ashes with mine .

My parents always wanted to be scattered together so I held on to dad's for 10 years until mom died. And my brother and I went to a favourite place by the river Severn by the hut they used to sit in and have a picnic and dad brewed tea on a little gas hob. I had mom's my brother dad's and we scattered them mixed together. Some stayed on the river bank and some fell into the river.

Your mom didn't want to be there through lack of respect but because it would have hurt to much. You are judging your mom and that's makes me angry you have no right to judge your mom . Like I said until you know the bone crushing grief of the other half of you dieing you have no idea how it feels . Your and your mom's grief is different.

I just hope you haven't tried to make your mom feel guilty about your dad's ashes. If you have you should be ashamed of yourself.

My Nan adored my grandad but she couldn’t bring herself to go to the funeral, I was 16 and said I d stay with Nan at home I love my grandad so much but neither of us went
I really dislike funerals and apart from my mum and dads I don’t go to them
My eldest knows I just want as little fuss as possible and to scatter my ashes in the sea or woods
Everyone needs to do what they need to do
(Don’t judge your mum unless she’s dating the milkman the next week)

I don`t go to funerals either, I burn a candle at home for the deceased

Suzy, right now you will not know how it feels to lose a spouse from a long happy marriage. It is your mums way of coping

Interesting. My mother was exactly the same. She and Dad had been married for over 50 years, apparently devoted to each other.

She cleared the house of every trace of Dad within 48 hours of him going into a nursing home. She refused to have anything to do with the funeral and even less with his ashes. I never questioned anything and had to do everything about all that despite a flood of criticism from my two sisters who lived away. They were perfect at that, leaving me to deal with stuff…

In answer to your question, yes you are being unreasonable. You did as you chose, allow her the same freedom.

You must allow your mum to do what is right for her. For some bereaved people, some things are just too difficult to face, this is one of them. Almost three years down the line, I still haven’t scattered DH’s ashes. Initially I couldn’t face it, then I couldn’t make my mind up where or when so I still have them. Sometimes it’s a comfort; sometimes it feels like a millstone round my neck and I wish we’d got it out of the way earlier. My children used to tentatively ask whether I’d had any thoughts on the matter, but now they seem to have accepted the status quo. Perhaps, when I go, we’ll end up being joined together again on some windy headland somewhere, but it won’t be my problem!
Be kind to yourself and your mum. It’s a difficult time.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
When DH died I did not tell everybody the time and date of the funeral because I could not cope with large numbers of people around me and opted to have his ashes scattered in the rose garden at the crematorium, that was done by staff with no family present.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your dad SuzyQ.

We must all be able to grieve in our own way and as V3ra has posted, maybe your dad was always happy to see your mum when she'd been to the hairdressers and that was her way of honouring and remembering him on that day.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable and neither was your mum. Your journeys through the grieving process may not be the same and all that matters is being there for one another.

Mum and I didn’t go to the scattering of my Dads ashes in the Garden of Remembrance, and I didn’t go to my Mums.

To be honest I didn’t know then that it was a ‘thing’ unless the ashes were taken to a Church Graveyard which Mum and Dad didnt want.

At the Crematorium if you had the date of the Cremation there was a book which told you where the ashes were scattered in the woodland gardens, but you couldnt leave flowers or anything there.
This was over 30 years ago for Dad and 20 for Mum, maybe that’s all changed and people are encouraged to go to the scattering of ashes? back then we weren’t told when they were going to do them.

Consider that it may have been to painful for her to bear. What gave you comfort would be a turning of the knife in the wound for her.

Perhaps she should have suffered more pain in order to make you, her child, feel better.

I know I failed in that after my husband died but having got through the funeral I could not face another ceremony directly connected with his death.

The hairdresser was distraction from what she knew was happening.

My late husband, whom I had neen with from 14 years of age, bequeathed his body to medical research. He always said that would be Doctors needed human bodies on which to learn their trade. We had a service in memory if his life some months later.

Difficult for you or anybody to understand how another person grieves and we all just deal with these things in different ways as best we can. I would try not to let it upset you or compromise your feelings towards your mum.
My sister didn't want her DH's ashes in the house but I have my own DH's ashes at home with me and I find them a real comfort and have left instructions for our ashes to be scattered together when the time comes.
Try to remember that your mum is doing her best. Take care.