Hi there all,
I am reaching out as I need useful tips on how I can navigate what appears to be the start of grandparent alienation. Please bear with me as I try to give as much detail as possible to give a clear picture.
I have two children. My daughter has had troublesome times as a teenager, but I've always been there, always been supporting her, probably admittedly too much. She has had a tendency to purposefully hurt me to get a reaction in the past, and unfortunately it works as I love her and would do anything for her. I do worry she may revel when I am sad as some of my friends have pointed out. But I truly hope not.
I try to make sure my children can always talk to me about anything. I have always wanted to be open as both my parents were reserved and strict and I never felt loved growing up.
My daughter has never liked anyone I have dated (2 in the last 20 years). After my last relationship, as she was an adult we had a discussion and I did say I don't feel she is ever going to like anyone I dated, which she agreed, and I explained that I deserved to be happy, which she acknowledged. I am pleased to say she really likes my partner whom I've been dating coming up two years.
She has had relationships in the past, and one in particular her partner did not treat her well and I was always there whenever he decided to throw her out again, but not interfering, always reminding her she will always have a home here to come to if she ever wanted to. She moved back in with me and dated her current partner, whom I adore and thought I had a good relationship with.
I've supported them both whenever they have needed me for a range of things like writing references and completing applications for her partner to gain ID, then a passport and then a provisional driving license. For her writing her CV and helping her through her level 3 diploma (unfortunately she did terribly in her GCSEs and she was distraught when she realised she had screwed up her chances of college so i battled her corner and she did get a place).
I've been really conscious not to overstep the mark and occasionally say I'm always here to listen or help, you only need to ask. And when my children do, I accommodate them, all three, now four of them. Her partner has said to her that we have a very different relationship to what he has with his family and that we are very close. We've both (daughter and I worked really hard on our relationship).
I have a 4 bed house and rented out a room to a lodger when I was single to cover the household bills. At one point my daughter moved back home and I vetted lodgers carefully being aware that she was a young adult. We had to get rid of one lodger as i became concerned he was inapproriate. She can be very hostile and her moods go up and down quite drastically unfortunately.
We use to clash a lot when she was a teenager, but as I've got older, I tend to walk away from conflict. As she's got older, our relationship has drastically improved and we are really close, we both keep a calm head and talk openly. Our communication and relationship is brilliant which i am really pleased about.
She always had an issue with whatever lodger I had, would become hostile, and they would leave. This was the same behaviour in my previous relationships also.
We were out one evening and she bumped into a childhood friend and she was looking for lodging which my daughter was excited about. I honestly thought it was a great idea as she had known this girl for years and they were friends. I thought she would be more comfortable. Once again after several months, my daughter became hostile and arguments over cleaning the bathroom and parking in the driveway became an issue (i have an ensuite and don't use their bathroom).
My daughter became pregnant with her partner and we were ecstatic for her. When her friend the lodger moved out (because of the hostility, in the end from both sides) I thought of an option that might make her more comfortable.
Her partner is from a different background/culture and has his own idea of how to live, including the role of a woman (to be clear, British but I don't want to give too much away). My daughter did not want this way of life, and to be fair to her, she reiterated her boundaries despite his culture trying to persuade her. I am proud of her for not wavering.
With rent costs extremely high, and my daughter not wanting to move into her partners mums I offered a solution.
She was paying a small amount of rent. And I gave her the option of her partner moving in, and them using the double room I rented as a nursery. All they needed to do was cover what I was renting the room for and her small rent would disappear. This covers all their bills.
Although it financially impacted me, I wanted to offer this to them as a way to save money and buy somewhere, with the hope I could also give them additional funds (I was intending on matching what they had saved). I was a single struggling mother for years and I did not want them to have to face the same struggles.
My bedroom is in a downstairs annexe and there are three rooms and a bathroom upstairs all for themselves. Two large double rooms for their sole use, and a single box room which we store things in/when my son comes back from uni briefly.
Its bigger than a 1 bedroom flat they would have got through the council/HA which is another reason she wanted to stay. We also have an extremely large kitchen/diner and I tend to have tv dinners and they have their family meals times in the separate diner to give them space. I do try to cook at different times to make sure we aren't in each other's way.
They loved the idea, and her partner moved in. I made him feel welcome and would occasionally say this is his home too to make sure he was comfortable. Admittedly he didnt want to leave his mums, but it was always eventually going to happen, as they will eventually get their own place.
My daughter asked me to help decorate the nursery, and drive to buy nursery furniture as her partner did not want to. My family gave her a cot, pushchair, car seat, clothes etc.
My daughter wanted me to organise a baby shower and I made sure to message her partners mum to help with ideas and his sister also to help decorate to make sure they felt included. She is really lovely as is his sister and we get along well.
My daughter and now fiance had a beautiful baby. My daughter wanted me to be at the birth as a second birthing partner, which i asked her to make sure her partner was comfortable with, and again at the hospital when the baby wasn't well. Her partner wanted to get some sleep so we switched posts. I bought her food as she didn't like the food in the hospital, washed out breast pumps for sterilising and provided emotional support and cuddles so she could sleep.
They came home and we enjoyed cuddles, but I made sure I helped anyway I could. We did their washing, washed up their dishes, changed light switches in the rooms to dimmers as the lights were too bright for the baby, draft proofed the windows, washed and sterilised bottles, helped them work out how the pushchair works, descaled the steriliser etc. Just any support they asked of us, including a shoulder to cry on. I was conscious not to just want to cuddle the baby, but also do practical things to help.
She said she was so glad she was here at home, and that she didn't think she could do this without being here. I made sure she understood that she was more than capable and doing a fantastic job, but extra support is just an extra pair of hands. Help I didn't have when they were born I wish I'd had. I regularly told her what a fantastic job she was doing and that I was so proud of them both.
When my daughters partners family came to visit, I made sure I said my hellos, made them teas and stayed out of the way to give them space as I was conscious I would see the baby every day and they couldn't. When they came again I went out for the day to give them space again.
A couple of weeks ago my daughter wanted to go to a beauty appointment, but I was unavailable and suggested my partner could watch the baby if she wanted. She said yes. My partner was looking forward to it (he has no children of his own and is infertile, but amazing with children, looks after his nieces and nephews regularly).
The night before, she text and said her partner was not happy leaving the baby just yet. I could tell my partner was hurt and I messaged back saying no problem. I then offered that I could do it the following week myself if she was more comfortable, but no pressure. I just wanted to make sure she had her me time.
She said yes and in the morning face to face she said it was not personal with my partner, it's just that the baby is young, and they were worried he would not be able to cope with a newborn. I responded that she didn't need to justify herself and that it was their baby and we respect their decisions. I also reassured my partner.
So I watched the baby, fed the baby and changed their nappy for the 1.5 hours my daughter was gone. When her partner came home I could hear them arguing upstairs. Unfortunately they have been arguing a lot, but I'm not surprised as having a newborn can be stressful.
Since this day, I have barely seen my grandchild. I have asked for cuddles on three occassions and been told no. It's made me extremely upset and I have no idea what I have done wrong.
So I spoke to my daughter when she was alone and asked if I had upset her as I had not seen the baby since the beauty appointment. She reassured me that I hadn't. I asked if her partner was upset I had watched the baby and she said he was not (I know he was as I could hear the argument. I wasn't eaves dropping, but the walls are paper thin and I could unwittingly hear bits over the tv even with the doors closed).
A few more days pass and my long term friend whom has known my daughter since a small child came over to see her and the baby. Whilst alone, I confided in her in tears how I am no longer allowed to cuddle the baby. How the baby is kept upstairs all day, then snuck down so we can't see the baby. I have even noticed they turn the car seat away so I can't see the baby when they come in, and have turned the moses basket around also so I can't see the baby in the dining room.
My friend after a few pleasantries asked for a cuddle and it was no problem. They were talking about valentines day. My partner and I were supposed to be baby sitting so her and her partner could go for dinner and have some couples time. She then announced that they were dropping the baby at her partners mums. I was clearly sad and said but I thought we were baby sitting. She said that her partners mum is single and that my partner and I could go out. I said I was really looking forward to it. She didn't respond.
So my friend hands the baby back (once alone she admitted she thought of handing the baby to me, but didnt want to cause more issues), and my daughter goes to walk upstairs and I said, I'd love cuddles later if that's okay. She responded maybe, but it never happened.
I tried to talk to both of them and once again asked if I had upset them. She said she knew I was upset and that there was honestly nothing wrong. I said since the beauty appointment, something has clearly changed, and if I've done something wrong to please tell me. Her partner could hear the whole time, as I wanted to speak to them both this time and he did not respond. Once again, she reassured me there was nothing wrong, I was reading too much into it and that they wanted to find their own routine.
My issue is, it's only me and my partner that isn't allowed to cuddle the baby anymore, and she will literally say no in front of people, which is even more upsetting as it implies to everyone i am not trustworthy.
Prior to this I had raised concerns. Please don't get me wrong, I really really like her partner, but there were a few red flags. She made comments like, his family have bothered more than her family. I reminded her I had supported them both everyway I can. She did acknowledge this. She said her partner was furious that some of our family had not visited and that they were going to be cut off from any events in the baby's life. Even her best friend.
I did suggest this was a bit heavy handed, that the baby was only a couple of weeks old and that some people want to give new families a bit of space. I also reminded her the family she wanted to cut off had given a lot of things to them for the baby.
I also said, please be careful, from the things I've heard you say, it sound's as though your partner may be trying to alienate you from your family and friends as he has issues with your family only. She also went on to say that he had mentioned if they ever broke up due to her, he would take the baby. He also mentioned his sister would become the caregiver if anything happened to them.
She was upset recently that she was doing a lot of the hard work, and her partner said to drop the baby to his mums or sister so she could sleep. I responded to her that this was unusual as I work from home so I could help (they both live further away and she couldn't yet drive).
I want to tread gently. My friend who came over suggested I remind them I graciously opened up my home to all and that if they were unhappy, they were welcome to leave as its become a hostile environment. I am concerned if I do this, knowing the temperament of my daughter, I won't ever see my grandchild or her again.
I am distraught. I wonder if her partner feels his mum doesn't see the baby every day, so neither should I. I am not only concerned that my grandchild will become alienated from me, but also I from my daughter and my daughter from our family.
There is an atmosphere and neither my daughter or her partner speak to us. They just walk through the sitting room and don't even say hello. They do however respond if we speak to them. My partner recently had a very delicate area operation and he has been doubled over in pain and they don't even ask if he's okay. I've always had this little joke that I could be on fire and my kids would step over me. I don't know if that's necessarily because they don't care, it's more maybe the thought of your parents being invicible.
It's now got to the point I feel so uncomfortable in our home and don't even know how I should act around them, whether I am even allowed to look or talk to the baby. And I even worry now that everyone else will pick up on this and think I am disinterested.
I've asked my partner and my friend advice as I've been careful to make sure I haven't overstepped the mark, and have been supportive, but questioned myself. They have assured me I have not.
Please please help me, I am so distraught.
.America, three headlines today, help me please to understand!
