To Move Again Or Accept ...

My son says it is selfish of older people to move far away from their children, since, if they are ill, or need help after a surgical procedure, it makes it very difficult for their children.

He feels this way because his partner's parents have required assistance after operations and it has been very difficult for her work-wise and family-wise to go 2 or 3 hours away to help for days at a time.

However, there is no guarantee that children will step up and assist so it might be pretty pointless moving to be near them, especially if the parent is well settled where they are.

In this particular case, I think, providing this will not have a significantly detrimental effect on her financial situation, the OP should return to Wales. She doesn't like the bungalow she is living in and does not see that much of her family so what is the point of living somewhere she does not like?

However, if the main reason for feeling unsettled, is the bungalow in which she is living and the area in which it is sited, would a move to somewhere in the same area, but less overlooked and more attractive, be an alternative to consider? Of course, accessible amenities, such as GP, shops and transport, would still need to be factored in, whatever choice was made.

Skydancer I was in the same position as you. My Mum refused to move to be near us, even when Dad died. As she got older I realised I needed to provide more support and visited her each week - a 6 hour journey there and back. I have to admit I became a bit resentful, and probably wasn't as nice as I should have been. Even when she had carers coming in twice a day, that wasn't sufficient in terms of providing company or sorting out little jobs in the house and garden.

I now feel guilty and sad about the last years of Mum's life, as all but one of her friends had died and she was not able to get out and about at all, except for this kind lady - but she was also elderly herself. I truly wish she had moved to be near us when my Dad was alive - it's what he had wanted but she was not willing to move to less than a detached house (she was very concerned about status) which they could not afford in our area.

Eloethan you have nothing to feel guilty about, your mum was an adult and made her own choices.
Too many elderly people seem to think they are entitled to be pandered to in old age, without being prepared to make any concessions to help their family be able to support them.

I tend to agree with your son Eloethan. Most adult children would want to try to assist to some extent, or make hospital visits, should an elderly parent become unwell and that is very difficult for them when they have a busy working life, their own children to look after, and the parent has decided to move several hours’ drive away. It is solely with that in mind that I intend to move nearer family at some point despite loving my present home and the surrounding area. I certainly don’t intend that they would ever care for me.

Eloethan, I was in a similar position to you, except it was my father who refused to move, in any way, to a smaller house, or my mother's dream, a bungalow. He also refused any help available from Social services because he would have to pay for it, and his mantra was, we can manage, which he patently could not. I had a three hour journey both ways, a full time job and two teenagers. I still suffer guilt pangs.
The OP would be foolish to move back to a different part of Wales where she has no connections, and she will find little support as she grows older.

Elderly parents, generally get the children they deserve.

Monica if only that were true. I know people both in the media and personally who have raised children in homes where one of the parents were alcoholic or in a house with abuse and rowing. Those AC none of them bailed out on parents but stayed close. Read a book about two of our national treasures, where mother put her career way above her children and her husband was an aggressive alcoholic. All the children stayed close and they holiday together.
If I were the poster, stay roughly same area, never go back nothing would be the same that's history, the reason for leaving still stands, but get a house they do enjoy, I don't particularly like bungalows although many do, they are much easier I know, don't expect visits, when they happen make the most of them, but be prepared in your future to factor in paying for care. You are lucky having each other.

MOnica I was 62 when my son decided I was no longer needed as his mom . He knew I was waiting for further tests as they found a problem with my heart. I had a kind loving son for 32 years. . He decided 4 days after giving me a lovely time on my birthday to send me and his sister an email that we where no longer needed . I had a follow up letter 3 months later.

I am not elderly at 66 now nor did I do anything I deserved to be treated this way . And my son decided to have nothing to do with anyone on our side of the family . In my brother's words what the xxxx did I do to him.

You must be perfect and live in a perfect world with perfect people .

Unfortunately life is no perfect nor are people

Neither of you seem to have noted that I said generally. There will always be exceptions to prove the rule and I know some myself.

But generally older people get the children they deserve.

I think that's very harsh to be honest and it quite upset me.

Humans and families are complex things. I cared for my parents for over 20 years and let's just say they weren't kind.

glasshalffullagain

I think that's very harsh to be honest and it quite upset me.

Humans and families are complex things. I cared for my parents for over 20 years and let's just say they weren't kind.

I am sorry for your upset, but it does not make what I said less true or less honest.

Perhaps you would care to elaborate?

Horrible comment really.

What is there to eleborate?

M0nica my Grandmother did not treat my Mum well, not a nice childhood. But my Mum was the only child who stood by my Nan in her old age. I also do everything i can to help my adult children. I have to disagree with your comment.

OP I think you should stay put too. Do what someone suggested-travel! The family will rally round when you need them I’m sure.

Lpt1404 I am sorry that your mother had such a difficult experience. This is why I said 'generally'. There will always be exceptions, like your mother, and I have known others - in each direction, but I have said throughout generally the statement is true.

I used to work as a Home Visitor for a charity for older people and when I visited homes where elderly parents and middle aged children were estranged or had difficult relations with a parent, the cause usually stemmed back to childhood.

I once went to visit a poor old man who had just lost his wife, he was devastated and grief stricken and told me what a wonderful woman she was and all the things he did to show how much he cared for her. He had 6 children, most living locally, and none were doing anything to help him. He was a pathetic model of a man.

A month or two later I had another client on the same estate. As she answered the door, she looked up to to the road and an old man tottering along using is stick to support himself and said 'There's that nasty Mr Smith, he used to beat his wife and children, and he has been banned from The Working Mans Club , for threatening people with his walking stick.' No wonder his children did not go near him.

Obviously I also met people like you and good parents estranged, but as I said generally my dictum holds

So people are complicated , families are complicated and things are not always as they seem.

This is such a hurtful and high handed comment. So your dictum is at best unkind.

I am sorry so mny people have been making so much of a GENERALISED comment.

It is neither huurtful nor hgh handed. It is simply a GENERALISED comment.

I would suggest that a comment is hurtful if someone finds it so. In my book, ‘generally’ means ‘mainly’ when used in this context. I have a good relationship with my child, but on reading the comment immediately thought it insensitive and hurtful to many others.

My mum moved to be near me in her 60s. She helped me a lot when my children were young but gradually built up her own life and wasn't always available! When she needed carers in her 80s, it was useful to be near by as they had a very low threshold for contacting me. It would have added to the stress having a long journey to check whether or not there was cause for concern; especially as I was still working. Some of my happiest memories of being with my mum are from this time and taking her on outings to a beauty spot and or lunch.

My son asked me to move home in order to be nearer to him. He had to keep taking time off work and he had used up all of his annual leave visiting me after my Husband's death.I just wish we had both moved nearer to him earlier on !

Life is too short, and getting shorter for us oder people, to be stuck somewhere you do not feel happy with. I write this sitting in bed with a cup of tea looking out on a field full of lambs and the Welsh hills .... this is what keeps my spirits up as my health deteriorates. I am a country girl at heart and feel despondent surrounded by houses. So I really do get where you are coming from.
Go back to your lovely sea view and friends ... happiness does not always lie in being sensible ....

I read this thread with interest! My house is currently on the market to sell and move closer to my DD. I currently live in a hamlet in the midlands. DD is in Berkshire DS is in Wales. I have no friends and no family near me. DH died 2 years ago. I am very isolated. Will things change when I move to a suburban street, who knows, do I want to move? Not really. I do know I need to be closer to people but budget dictates it will be in a built up area. The best I can do is to choose wisely

Good luck with your choice nanny2507

Good luck

I would move back, nothing in life is guaranteed and if being in wales makes you happy I would do that. If your situation changes and you need support in time, you can move south again