DD’s wedding

I feel enormous sympathy for you and absolutely understand how you feel. Please start by going to doc and seeking help about your anxiety over the flight and the hotel stay. Don't mention the dogs and other practicalities ... concentrate on your anxieties.
When you have sought that help you can get down to solving the practical problems.
So hard for you ... I would struggle with it too. I do not fly ... I hate everything about it, and as my DDs always say . "Mum doesn't travel well." Always with a smile.
I hope you can get some help that will resolve this for you.

Wishing you well. Have a lovely time.

Well done Twiglet. I’m sure you will end up having a lovely time

Twiglet - Definitely wishing you well. Serendipity at work there over the dog-minder!

I’m really so appreciative of the time so many lovely GNetters have put into sharing their thoughts.

I think the stars are aligned in a rather amazing way. Out walking the dogs a few weeks ago, I met a young woman I’d worked with during Covid, we both did a Saturday shift in a supermarket. I was surprised she was in this village but our very brief chat was just on the lines of “Gosh, didn’t you work at …. ? What sweet dogs!”

Today I browsed the village Facebook page and there is an advert for her newish dog-walking / dog-sitting business, loads of photos. Long phone call, and she’s booked to look after the dogs here, with time for her other walks too. She is happy to do the full week, so I can travel door to door with my other daughter, who is in the same hotel. I won’t need to drive to or from the airport so I can ask the GP for something a lot stronger than Kalms, they’re both evening flights. Having flown only once in the past 20 years, and only a few times ever, I just hope it’s a smooth journey.

It will still be nerve-wracking socially, it may still be hotter than I’ve ever known. It will still be a big hotel, but - it’s air conditioned, I can hide in my room to avoid the sun and perhaps the DGC will be happy indoors, I’ve said I absolutely refuse to watch small boys near a pool or in a crowd. However, they are clearly absolutely thrilled that I’ll be there.

My three AC have generously offered, between them, to pay for the flights and hotel, my outfit, and the dog sitter.

Now I need to get travel insurance, but I’m going to sleep better tonight than I have done for several weeks.

Thank you all. Wish me luck!

Venues overseas are generally less expensive than in the uk
I’m not a fan but our generation did what we wanted to, our adult children doing it very differently

That sounds lovely ViceVersa.
Good idea Gin.

My son got married in Mauritius and we did not go, nohard feelings, they know I do not cope well with hot weather.

Now my grandson is getting married abroad next year. I have told him I will not go as I cannot get insurance due to ill health. Could you say the same? As you have health problems insurance willl be very expensive.

Getting married overseas doesn't have to cost a fortune. My daughter and her husband chose to get married in Corfu, just the two of them, plus her dad and I as witnesses, because they didn't want a big wedding and lots of fuss here at home. No-one else knew about it. It was a beautiful day and we all enjoyed a week's holiday in the sun at the same time. A couple of months after the 'big day', they invited family and friends to a party at a local hall - didn't cost much and everyone said it was one of the best 'weddings' they'd been to.

My step son got married two years ago in Cyprus. It cost them an arm and a leg. But lots of family members were honest and said they couldn’t afford it. In the end there was only their two children, me and my husband and a couple with a son that they went on hol with every year. Even her dad didn’t arrange to go until the last minute - they aren’t close so he just flew over and stayed in another hotel for two nights and didn't socialise with us.
I feel for you. It’s a shame that your daughter isn’t more understanding - you’re not at fault. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t gone as it wasn’t really a pleasant experience and it cost my husband about £3000 for us to go all in all.
By the way, my step son is back living with us now as his fairytale wedding didn’t last long ….

Sadly weddings overseas are a current "fad" (not saying that this is one). My DD and her DH have a circle of friends who are very well off (6-figure incomes each) and my DD/DH are less wealthy. They have spent a small fortune on attending overseas stag/hen do's and weddings which they really couldn't afford.

The latest groom-to-be has invited his pals to his stag do abroad and informed them the hotel etc will cost around £1,500 each. People started to decline such that the cost went up to nearly £2k! He has had a rethink and has switched to the UK at a "much cheaper" cos of £800. My SIL has declined, saying "enough is enough".

I agree. It's all very well getting married abroad and expecting everyone to attend.

Excellent advice

👌

Have you decided yet, Twiglet77?
Have you spoken with your daughter?
I wouldn’t dream of telling you you have to go. You have several good reasons why it would be extremely difficult for you and any daughter worth her salt should understand. I think they want to use you for child care too and that’s unfair.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t go. Weddings abroad are so unnecessary. You’ve been given good advice on various fronts. Do let us know what you decide.

I always believe in being honest & forthright, it's no use beating around the bush!
I understand how worried you are about your elderly dog's. Regarding leaving them. I wouldn't/couldn't leave my old dog and I would simply & clearly explain the reason for my decision not to attend.
People often appreciate openness rather than sensing a negative atmosphere /resentful unwillingness.
You can always have a bit of a Doo at yours later with your furry friends as the joyous welcoming party.😊

I’ve given this a great deal of thought!

I’ve changed my view slightly as it’s clear you, OP, are in a terrible place currently.

Please do see your GP about your anxiety and please do stay at home with your beloved dogs.

Just thank you daughter, ask her if there’s anything she’d like for a wedding g pressie, ask to see the videos and photos and wish them the very best.

Your health must come first

Barring a true mental health issue I wouldn’t put my dogs over my child’s wedding. I think everyone, meaning you and your children, should accept that their choices may make someone unhappy, and everyone must be prepared to cope without judging the feelings of the other. We all make choices, but we cannot expect others to swallow their feelings. Someone is going to be upset one way or another and no one will be wrong.

I agree,there are 2 family weddings this summer, one in Cyprus and one in Greece and it’s putting unbearable pressure on those invited. Fortunately we haven’t been invited, but my daughters have.
I think it’s very “entitled “behaviour to expect guests to fork out hundreds of pounds on flights and accommodation, as well as clothes and a present.

Twiglet, it's up to you.
Families and expectations are very different, as we've seen in the different posts.
For some it's shocking not to go, for others, it's all very understandable and explanations and offers of celebrations back home would be fine.

I don't think I'd go. You have so many reasons not to. Sad she's chosen to marry abroad but it's her wedding. However, maybe there could be a lovely party back at home upon their return.

It's not good for you to worry so much about this. Stress impacts physically as well as mentally.

I think it is sad, that she has chosen to get married abroad, when she, of all people, knows you have such difficulties with this.

Personally I'd find the courage to attend and plaster a smile on my face to make her day, however, if this is really something you can't do, I think I'd say something along the lines of "AS YOU KNOW, I have always found flying and the heat a challenge, and as I've got older this seems to have got so much worse so I'm sorry but I'm afraid I just CAN'T come to the wedding. I wonder if together, we could arrange a 2nd post wedding get together for everyone - and include those who would like to come and see you married, but can't get there? We could set a screen up to show pictures/videos of the wedding, have a nice buffet and disco (whatever floats your boat) - in short, 2 joyous celebrations. Make it sound like a positive rather than a negative.

Or, "because it's abroad, and you know I can't do that, maybe I could take the newlyweds out for a lovely meal and you could show me all your pictures etc"

PS. Sorry - I missed the part whee you said 'I don't have friends'. Your DD must know this and understand how much of a 'loner' you are. Perhaps she will be half expecting you to bow out and won't be too upset if you explain your feelings, calmly and unemotionally,

Would your daughter agree to your taking a 'plus one' with you, if you have a good friend who would enjoy accompanying you? With a companion you could make it an opportunity for a short holiday together. That would depend on your finding a solution to the issue of your dogs. I hope you can find a friend or neighbour who would help you to solve that dilemma. Good luck. Weddings are nor always fun,, but if you can turn this 'ordeal' into an opportunity, you might enjoy a break.

I think it is wrong of your older DD to call you a drama queen as you do have genuine worries about attending the wedding. So could you arrange to sit down with, ideally, both DDs and explain that you really want to attend but that you are terribly anxious and it is making you ill. Outline each of your worries but don’t mention the dogs! Firstly stress that you would only want to stay for the wedding weekend because of the heat but are worried about travelling back alone and tell them about your social anxiety - perhaps they don’t fully understand. Ask them how they could help you overcome these problems, maybe by ensuring someone accompanies you to the airport and making sure you are not left alone during the wedding and party. If your daughter really wants you to attend I’m sure she will come up with solutions. If she can’t at least she will know why you can’t go and, hopefully, understand. I’m sure if the right arrangements are put in place you would cope and maybe even enjoy it. I do hope so. Best wishes