DD’s wedding

I wouldn’t go, I cannot cope with the heat and do not like social situations either.

It will be one awkward conversation, preferably by phone, then it is over. Do not say about the dogs as it would sound as though you put the dogs before your daughter, stick to the heat ,flying issues and anxiety. State that you will look forward to seeing any pics and videos and be firm saying I am not coming to the wedding rather than I dont want to.

You need to go, it's her wedding. Ask the neighbours to check in with the dogs and let them out before bed and first thing in the morning. I don't think you have any other choice

You have to go. Agree get neighbours to sort dogs, they will probably dozz the day away.
You might to speak to your GP about your anxiety but you have to go.

Oh I do sympathise will you!

I think you need to try and resolve each issue, one at a time, starting with the dogs!

How long will you be away? The dogs have each other and if your neighbour can be persuaded to go in a couple of times each day to let them out and feed them, perhaps they will be ok.

Please consider visiting your GP and tackling your anxiety, social anxiety is extremely common and there’s lots of different ways of treating it.

Do you have any close friends you could ask to go with you? You could perhaps find a small two bedroom apartment and not stay the full week and stay maybe three nights and you’d have someone to travel with.

Please try really hard to resolve your issues enough to make it out there and let your DD know that you’d love to go, you are going to do your very very best to get there, but to please understand if you don’t actually make it.

Best of luck

Personally I would not miss my daughters wedding for anything.

Speaking to your GP about your anxiety would be a good starting point.

As for the heat, I wouldn’t worry about that either, if you are staying in a five star resort the air conditioning will keep you cool.

I meant to add, my son’s wife is Chinese and I didn’t go out there for their wedding 8 years ago, my ex and his partner did, but not my DDs, and my son still reminds me how disappointed they were.

I don’t understand the vogue for destination weddings, where it costs the guests a fortune to attend, and I do think it’s an insane waste of money, but that’s not my prime worry.

You don't have to go. Why do people have such big, difficult weddings? Especially when they've been together for years already. It's just a big fuss. A quiet Register Office do would be uch more appropriate.

Really, they've just invited you to a party.

If your DD knows you as a daughter should, she will understand.

I think you may be doing a bit of ‘thinking up reasons not to go’, the dogs, the leaky roof and dodgy drains etc., when it is probably more about your anxiety here.
Would visit your GP who can prescribe something for the flight if this is just too dreadful to think about. And you can get through the wedding, and if is hot when you travel abroad, a 4 star hotel will have AC, and there will be shady spots to sit in wherever you are, just make sure you pack the appropriate clothing. And get the neighbour to look after the dogs.
It really isn’t as bad as you think, you are over thinking this.

You have to go, or I think you’ll live to regret it.

I’m sorry to say that your post does sound as if it’s all about you, but then I’m not the anxious sort. I’d suggest you get an outfit suitable for the weather and try to be more positive. You don’t have to interact much with the other guests at the hotel if you don’t want to. Given your anxiety, I’m sure they’ll understand? Your DD is the star of this show, marrying her partner where and when she wants. Are the children going to the wedding? Perhaps it would help occupy you to look after them.

A word with your GP might result in some help, but do it sooner, rather than later.

I’m grateful for the tips, thank you. I hadn’t thought of talking to my GP.

I’m very much a loner and don’t have friends, my siblings are older (late 70s, I’m 68), and in poor health. And whilst a small apartment sounds less frightening than a hotel, I wouldn’t know anyone else and would have to get around on my own and use taxis or buses. That’s a dreadful prospect in my nearest town, let alone on a Greek island.

I was dreading my DDs wedding as it meant seeing the woman who gave birth to me again after going NC 8 years before. But I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I booked myself in for counselling and my GP prescribed medication. Family and friends understand the situation and even though our flight was cancelled, the woman (as expected) was a nightmare, I got through it
Please see your GP , please don't let your daughter down

Sometimes it's necessary to say "I love you very much, but I can't do what you wish of me" -- selecting fears to use by way of explanation.

- I'm afraid to fly any longer, daunting.
- I'm uncomfortable in truly hot weather.
- I'm anxious in public, alone and as MOTB.

Tell her you're not attending soon. Allow her time to make any necessary change in plans - regarding her children's care during the wedding.

I think if you choose to marry abroad you have to accept that not everyone you invite will want or be able to attend.

I agree with Elowen, tell your D why you wont be attending but don't mention the dogs twiglet. Your D must be aware of how you feel about flying and being away from home so facing the possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend should have been taken into account when the wedding was planned.

What Baggs said when people decide to marry abroad, they should factor in that maybe not everyone will be able or want to go. My step son married in Australia, where his wife was from His father and I didn't go, our children were quite young at the time. Didn't affect their relationship, he understood, it would have been too difficult for us.

After my divorce I had to attend the weddings of my two sons, one here and the other in Santorini. It was awful for me - I am on my own too. My ex-husband was there with his new wife. But I had to do it for my sons - as you say, they wouldn’t have forgiven me if I didn’t attend .
You must grin and bear it , just for a few hours.
I truly empathise. It’s difficult but please go

Smileless2012

I think if you choose to marry abroad you have to accept that not everyone you invite will want or be able to attend.

I agree with Elowen, tell your D why you wont be attending but don't mention the dogs twiglet. Your D must be aware of how you feel about flying and being away from home so facing the possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend should have been taken into account when the wedding was planned.

Excellent advice, Smileless.

Whether you decide to go or not, please see your GP. Anxiety is bloody awful (as one who knows)

Sometimes my mind goes into overdrive imagining all the awful things that “could” happen (& more often than not don’t happen)

Anxiety can take over your whole life, frazzle your mind and affect you physically.

Please go and chat with your GP and there’s a whole host of helpful websites online that might help you.

Once you have help with your anxieties, real and imagined, then there’s a book called “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers.

Sometimes the fear of what might happened overrides the actual fear.

I do wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Are any of your siblings and your other children attending?

When my dd has to go on holiday etc, they hire a pet/house sitter. Would that be an option for you? Then deal with the anxiety re flying and travel as a separate issue to resolve? Would hate to miss a daughter’s wedding personally but we’re all different. And I’m sure there will be air conditioning!

twiglet said in her OP that the condition of her house doesn't make it suitable for a pet/house sitter to stay there.

For me there is a difference between a wedding that takes place where the bride and groom may live, and the ones where the wedding is held overseas at a holiday destination.

I am not sure which this is- but I really don't know how I would react if any of my children said they would be getting married abroad, especially as they should consider whether it is convenient for other people to be in attendance.

I'm not sure I would go if I had your anxiety over travelling, or a commitment to animals.

If the wedding is just an extended holiday I wouldn't go, because I find it disrespectful but that's just me maybe?

I wonder why young people get to be so selfish that weddings become all about them, and not the family or social networks to which they belong.

By all means marry abroad if you want, but don't expect people to put themselves out finanically or otherwise, to be there. It all seems upside down to me.

I do appreciate the advice to talk to my GP, and lots of different perspectives on the issue of travelling to the wedding or not. The stomach-churning, heart-thumping social anxiety has been a lifelong thing, it’s not a new experience.

My DDs are very close, and close to their dad, less close to my son (who isn’t going). They think I’m a weirdo, but great with the children so useful for childcare. I haven’t been involved with any wedding planning or the dress, I wasn’t with the other DD either - they’d also been together a long time before marrying, then had a child and divorced the next year. It does all feel like an excuse for a party, and the other family and all their friends are real party people, I’m just not.

I can understand how you feel. My daughter got married last year in Corfu and my anxiety went through the roof, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was a 'secret' wedding, with only her father and I present as witnesses, although they did have a party for friends and family when they returned. I fretted about leaving our dog in kennels, as he'd never been away from us before, but he was absolutely fine. Do go and speak to your GP and see if they can help, but if you really feel you can't go, then it would be best to let her know sooner rather than later.

well once again reading your posts twiglet I'm wondering if it's hoped you'd be there to provide help with childcare, especially as despite being the 'mother of the bride' you've had no involvement with any of the planning.

If your decision is to not go, then the sooner you tell her the better for your anxiety. There's nothing for her to forgive; her choice to marry abroad and your decision not to attend.