DD’s wedding

I told all my family years ago when destination wedding became the 'thing to do', that I would not be going.

I would send my best wishes and of course a cheque.

The length of the flight to where they live [if not a destination wedding] would definitely make a difference.... and the length of time I'd be away.
I'm okay with a two hour flight and a 3 day weekend.

Cambsnan

I think you must go. Like you I am divorced and my ex has a new partner. My daughter got married in Cyprus and I worried. I took a close female friend as support and that worked well.

Why must she go ? She has a lot of reasons not to

Follow your feelings for you twiglet and don’t be pushed into feeling you must do anything

My brother got married abroad, and invited no one, I’m pretty sure this was their reason for doing it, so that they wouldn’t have to.

I hate flying, but I think if it was my daughter’s wedding I’d have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

People suggest getting something for the flight, but that doesn’t help with the weeks of crippling anxiety beforehand.

I don’t think you have to go if you really feel you can’t, but you are bound to feel really guilty about it, and it possibly might affect your relationship with your daughter, definitely a tricky one.

I do feel for you. Why should you feel obliged to go to a Greek Island for a wedding, especially if it is causing you so much stress and anxiety? I know you want to help your daughter but she is asking too much of you here.
Maybe try writing her a letter with your reasons for not going and then read it out to her? It will clarify your thoughts and feelings, and help you to explain things to her.

I think you must go. Like you I am divorced and my ex has a new partner. My daughter got married in Cyprus and I worried. I took a close female friend as support and that worked well.

Is your daughter’s marriage in Greece recognised here or does she have to have a registry office marriage first? Ours were getting married in Thailand but had the actual official marriage in Leeds town hall as it would not have been legal. Could you just go to the registry office here if that is the case ?
Otherwise you must consider what is best for you, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Put yourself first because your daughter & co haven’t done so.

Twiglet, I think Madeleine45 has given lots of useful thoughts about your anxiety issues including the dogs.
Meanwhile, you have to decide if you're going to this wedding. Personally, I don't think I would want to go. I'm not an anxious person, but I would resent the expense and disruption, also the assumption that I'd be the one looking after the children. I agree with others who have said that having weddings in holiday destinations is really difficult for friends and families.

Why don't you restart their vaccinations,that's an easy one...why did you stop them in first place? Important they have them. I do home boarding and I'm sure they will be fine if you do that as they will be the only dogs. I would do it sooner rather than later as it gets booked up fast..Barking Mad...UK wide Next see your GP for anxiety issues..You must attend your daughter's wedding. I understand you being on your own,I was in same position...My ex with his new wife..🤮. Hard but...If heat bothers you keep cool and stay in shade. You will have your other daughter and grandchildren so not on your own...Can you take a friend,ask your daughter? Don't see why not? If you had a partner you would be taking them. I think you have to go but discuss with your GP and your daughter's. The dogs can be sorted,trust me on that one ..I looked after a 14 yr old. Was so upset when he had to get put to sleep and got a lovely message from his owners. He was happy when he came to stay and when his owners realised that,they were finally able to get worry free breaks. I sent them pics and videos. Please relax and do things I've suggested but you have to go. Take care. X

If you can decide to have your neighbours look after the dogs, perhaps you could go to the wedding with somebody, even your son?

Smileless2012

twiglet said in her OP that the condition of her house doesn't make it suitable for a pet/house sitter to stay there.

I really wouldn’t worry about the state of your house, most pet house sitters are avid animal lovers and they aren’t going to be judging your home. I think if you could know that your dogs are being cared for in their own home, you’d relax a bit and be able to cope with everything else. I have to say the scenario you’ve described sounds like my worst nightmare but I’m sure your daughter would be very disappointed if you don’t attend.

Oh twiglet, I feel so sorry for you. I suffer from terrible anxiety issues when I'm flying anywhere, I am totally stressed out for a while before I go but, in all honesty, the reality of the actual trip is never as bad as my imagination makes it, and you would probablyfind the same thing. DH tends to be stressed when he gets in the plane but has a lot of tried & trusted self help routines and a tin of rescue remedy so,between us, we conquer our fears and I'm typing this from a sunbed in Barbados. There are lots of self help things online and, as others have said, a GP visit woukdnt go amiss.
As regards whether or not you should accept the invitation, that's more tricky. I'm sure if you don't go, you'll always wish you had and, in the light of my saying that it's possible to "big up" experiences out of all proportion,maybe you should go.
We have 2 dear rescue cats, the apples of our eyes. We live in a very rural area and they love roaming around, there's no way we'd put them in a cattery. We use Mindahome and House Sitters UK , both of which have provided us with some super people who live in and look after our cats & home whilst we're away. I definitely recommend you explore this option.

One of my nephews is getting married later this year to an Italian girl. I assume the wedding destination is her home town. I don't have worries about travel etc., I'm just worried about the cost. I need to figure out soon if I can afford it. However if it was my DD getting married I'd go to the ends of the earth!

I hope you find a way to deal with all your reservations, perhaps with help from your GP, and that you are able to go and enjoy the occasion.

You could try to find someone that would put up with your leaking roof and drain problems for a week if you were prepared to pay them well. Or you could find a dog lover that would be prepared to have your dogs in their house but they would be unlicenced and uninsured so its a bigger risk. Otherwise I agree with the person who said just say you can't go but don't mention the dogs.

I suppose my question is whether your DD actually expects you to attend? You cite so many reasons for not going, and your social anxiety seems to be untreated and long standing. It's painful to be in such a place and I send you and your DD my sympathy. If you genuinely want to feel better, perhaps some psychotherapy? I doubt that is a new suggestion to you, but may be, the prospect of missing the wedding might be sufficient for you to face your fears with good help. Sending bestcwishes

I would say you don't need to go. My DS got married in the Far East a few years ago This was torture for me as I have a skin condition which flares up visibly in the heat, I was overweight, felt ugly and I had to buy a long dress formal attire for the evening. And I was on show as the mother of the groom amidst all the baffling foreign culture and traditions. I survived, but can't say it was a great experience Meanwhile my DH stayed at home because his health ruled out the flight. The wedding was videoed for him and he was able to enjoy it later. He was quite happy with that.

Twiglet You have my sympathy for this nightmare situation.

Arrange a meeting with your DD asap and tell her everything you have said on here, all your fears and anxieties. Wait and listen to her answer, she may well say; don't come mum, if you feel that bad.

My sister was coming for a pre-Xmas weekend celebration. It was going to be a 2hr 40min drive here and back for her. We spoke on the phone the day before, we both said how much we were looking forward to seeing each other, she then went on to say how nervous and anxious she was a about the drive and I could hear the distress in her voice, so I told her not to come, she was relieved, I could tell. We didn't see each other over Xmas but had a lovely time when she came down for the weekend for my birthday in early Feb. So all was well, no hard feelings.

Best of luck

I think that I'd make an effort to go despite your reservations .
You'll only cause offence by not doing so .
I also think that a visit to your doctor to address your anxiety is essential .
Being insular isn't healthy .
I certainly understand your anxiety .
Someone will housesit your pets even if your house leaks .
You don't have to stay in an expensive hotel .
Explain to your relatives that you don't want to be on show .
Wishing you luck with this .

I don't think the DD is a young person embarking on a marriage. It seems the relationship is well extablished and this wedding fest is the icing on the cake and a holiday for them. Good Luck to them! But OP must put her own needs first.
We don't need the guilt round these events.

She only sounds upset about the pressure on her if people leave her alone she can make her own mind up about what she wants to do, not what other people think she should do.

theworriedwell

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

If she's happy with her life why does she have to get help? We aren't clones all living identical lives.

Did you read the OP?
Does that sound like a person who is happy with their life 🤷‍♀️
The OP sounds totally miserable 😥

I am sorry about this.
I do feel though you ought to go. I’m sure you will have a fab time. Sure someone could look after you- another single lady maybe.
But I do feel you may regret it if you don’t go and then you will be feeling ‘ I should’ve been there’ and it’s too late.
I know it’s a pain but it’s your DD wedding!
Good luck- you can do it!

You have had many posts of advice and so I would like to add my twopennorth. The thing is that this wedding , whilst important has raised many problems that you see in your life in general. The wedding itself I agree with others that it would be far less stressful for you to tell them that you are unable to go but you will be sitting thinking of them at the time and wishing them well, that you hope to have a small celebration with them when they come home, and you might tell a white lie and say that the reason is medical, but nothing for them to worry about. Well it wont be a lie as anxiety is definitely a major problem for you.

So I see that this situation has meant that you have faced quite a few things that you probably have known about but not addressed before. So for yourself, it really would be good if you could try and find help with your anxieties. If you can get some help and counselling you could work out what and why is the major problem and perhaps come to a better understanding and be able to deal with things a bit better and feel more in control. To do this without a specific event looming in the near future would be better and less stressful and you could move at your own pace.

But it has also thrown up some things that you would need to face. As your dogs are so important to you, it would be good if you could think about what would be best for them if there was a situation where you had to suddenly be away from home, such as an accident or had to be in hospital for a short time. Do you already have someone you trust who could feed them and take them for walks? Perhaps you have a friend who also has dogs or has had them in the past, who you could organise some emergency help with? If this is not possible, then perhaps you might need to think of looking into what local kennels you would be most satisfied with in an emergency. You could look around and take recommendations from other dog owners. Then it would be worth trying them in the kennels for perhaps two days, and see how that goes and then repeat that again after a couple of months. This way , you would get peace of mind, should there be an occasion in the future when you need to make a quick decision. If that goes well you could then go on to put them in the kennels for another couple of days and go away yourself, just for a couple of days, perhaps to the coast or to somewhere special to you.

These small steps taken at your own pace might mean that you feel less anxious and more empowered as you are the person who decides when and where. If you found yourself able to do this, in itself it may lessen your anxiety in that area and also you can look at it as a good example of what you have been able to do and then possibly employ the same small steps in other areas of your life. I do understand having had both anxiety and depression at times, and when I was in those situation the thought of doing what I do now , would have been unbelievable to me. I found the key was , in my own time, to see it as a choice I was making, not being forced into something by other people. Control is my key, with a certain amount of acceptance for what is possible and what is not worth the stress. I hope this is of some use to you, and the fact that your daughter does not feel as you do, means that she cannot understand what she is asking of you. Does she have any phobias that you know of? Perhaps not now regarding the wedding, but later you might ask her how she would feel if say a spider (if that was her phobia) walked across her pillow or down her wedding dress. She would no doubt be very shocked by that thought. Then you could explain to her that that is the way your anxiety affects y ou physically and mentally and that you constantly have to cope with this and it is not by choice. You may in the end let her see how much effort you have to put into things that she finds easy and she may have more understanding and sympathy. The best of luck

I definitely would not go. Why do something you don't want to do? Make it clear that you love her and support her marriage union but will not be attending the party. You dont need to give reasons or excuses. Tell her now that you do not want to go to her party. Leave it at that and set a good example for her in all of your actions. As a mother, that is your job.

You kind of really have to go, since it's your DD wedding, but I do understand the concern. If you're close and you are sure your DD would be understanding, you can do whatever is best for you. I know if my mom wouldn't be able to attend my wedding because of her own reasons, these reasons are valid.

Because no one living a like in fear of having a social outing come up is happy.