DD’s wedding

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

Agreed. Wedding or not , this is no way to live. And I say this as someone who has been treated for anxiety as well. Get your life back- you deserve it !

Does your daughter know the full extent of your anxiety issues OP?

I feel the dogs may be a side issue here.

The MH is what's of importance. Please try to get some appropriate help.I think DD has her whole life ahead of her. It would be sad if you can't go, but it's not the end of the world.

I can empathise with you , I also have social anxiety. The rest of my family are very sociable. Last year I missed younger sisters 50 birthday bash. I just couldn't go , luckily they all understand. I don't think its helpful to say you are weird etc. You will obviously be way out of your comfort zone to go to the wedding. I would just say , you can't come , but wish them all the best etc

Twiglet. I do feel for you. We all have choices. Your DD has made hers now you make yours. In your position I wouldn’t go.
You say you’re in poor health, have you asked the GP if it’s wise for you to fly and be in the hot weather ? And have you looked to see how much the insurance is going to be?
It’s definitely not a good idea. Your anxiety if nothing else could make you ill, especially when you’re away from home worrying about your dogs.
Your DD has got carried away and not put any thought how you might be feeling.
Tell her ASAP you’re not able to go. She’ll soon get over it, then at least you’ve been fair to both your children.

The OP asked for advice: 'I don't know what to do.'
People are entitled to express their opinions.

I know my son was devastated when his father did not attend either his wedding or the party held for those not invited because of covid restrictions some months later. No fallout, just had something more important.

I totally agree with the comment made by Baggs. The choice is yours. End of...

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

If she's happy with her life why does she have to get help? We aren't clones all living identical lives.

My feelings about this type of wedding, is it's similar to "Christmas lite" the worst kind, where copious amounts of money are expected to be spent, whether those can be afforded or not, there can be a certain element of family warfare, often about "the day" and where that should be spent. What overblown weddings and Christmas have in common,in my mind, is the essence of what they are both SUPPOSED to be about is lost in some ghastly over the top commercial load of insanity which makes many very miserable in the what seems like an interminable run up to both. My opinion I don't expect others to agree with me. I would add that I once worked with a girl who related chapter and verse on a daily basis the minutiae of her wedding arrangements, on and on it went for 6 months, if it wasn't the flowers it was the friggin' place cards or what to buy the bridesmaids. Boring! didn't even begin to describe it, after the wedding she was as miserable as sin once she had to face life beyond the fairy tale

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

BlueBelle

Oh Twiglet I do emphasise, I love people, get on well with most and like going places but the older I get the more difficult I find ‘big dos’ and parties and travel I feel anxious and an outsider even if I m not. I don’t go out that much and always have an excuse for anything over 3 or 4 people I ve never really been that comfortable with parties although I ve been to plenty luckily I have understanding kids particularly my eldest daughter who looks out for me if I do have to go anywhere out of the ordinary
Your situation would throw me too so I totally understand
My eldest grandaughter got married in NZ where she lives and luckily it was end of Covid times so I had an excuse but there is no way I could now do a long haul and I would have hated the big do they had and felt very overwhelmed … anyway that was 3 years ago and she’s awaiting a divorce and with someone else now 🤣
I think your daughter should know and understand you better you re not purposely avoiding her wedding she seems to have little empathy for you
I think there is far too much emphasise put on these big expensive weddings
Do what you are capable of Twiglet and don’t beat yourself up You are what you are …if you had a physical illness they would probably be more empathic
X

Absolutely this!

Twiglet, please stay at home. All this nonsense about your DD never forgiving you , for goodness sake !!!!
This is a tall order and one you do not have to address! Just tell your DD asap , tell her you love her but the occasion is just too much for you.
The wedding is about the couples commitment to each other not an excuse for a long drawn out party!! that is costing guests a lot of money , not to mention inconvenience. If you could make it you would , but you can't so don't !!! Good luck and let us know how you get on ,in the mean time please speak to your GP and get some help.💐

Yay Twiglet most of understand and are with you all the way
Very good point maggiemaybe
Stay and we ll keep you company

And to anyone who says Twiglet is making it all about her, I think not, on the contrary this is all about the daughter and her unreasonable desires to hold what is essentially a party on a Greek island (as lovely as they are) nevertheless it won't be conduicive for some to put in place onerous arrangements to go, even without anxiety about flying and overwhelming social situations. There is the expense! the daughter has been with partner for a while, there are children. I mean people who want others to drop everything for such an occasion "get over yourself, it's a tall order, fine if guests are happy to accommodate your wishes, not all will be, don't be surprised about that" I agree with others, it's a different scenario when one half of the couple come from overseas where the wedding is going to take place, even then not always doable for some guests to attend depending on circumstances. I wish you well in seeking a satisfactory resolution twiglet and sympathise with your predicament.

You have very genuine and justifiable reasons to decline your daughter’s wedding invitation, twiglet. Please do not waste any more valuable time worrying about upsetting her. She must be aware of your anxiety issues, so shouldn’t be surprised, especially as you didn’t attend your son’s wedding. Let her know as soon as possible, then get on with your life. 💐

twiglet77

I meant to add, my son’s wife is Chinese and I didn’t go out there for their wedding 8 years ago, my ex and his partner did, but not my DDs, and my son still reminds me how disappointed they were.

I don’t understand the vogue for destination weddings, where it costs the guests a fortune to attend, and I do think it’s an insane waste of money, but that’s not my prime worry.

This is what stands out for me, twiglet. Before this post I was all set to advise on what you could consider doing to enable you to go to your daughter’s wedding. But you didn’t go to your son’s, neither did his sisters, and he had every reason to be marrying abroad. How would he feel now if you moved heaven and earth to go to his sister’s wedding, which is being held abroad not because one of them lives there, but just because that’s what the bride and groom fancy doing? Surely this is your get out clause. It’s entirely their choice, of course, but guests shouldn’t feel obliged to go along with it if they don’t want to.

When one of my kids said they were planning on getting married abroad, long haul destination, I wished them well and told them I wouldn't be there. It was lots of money, staying in a remote holiday place with my ex and all his family, my husband is disabled and couldn't go and I wasn't prepared to go and leave him for a minimum of a week.

All this rubbish about you have to go you'll regret it they will never forgive you. 20years on and none of that happened.

Maybe and Twiglet I too have a very old house with problems (damp in some bedrooms , leaky conservatory) we don’t all have the money to fix things I just live in hope that it lasts longer than me

Oh Twiglet I do emphasise, I love people, get on well with most and like going places but the older I get the more difficult I find ‘big dos’ and parties and travel I feel anxious and an outsider even if I m not. I don’t go out that much and always have an excuse for anything over 3 or 4 people I ve never really been that comfortable with parties although I ve been to plenty luckily I have understanding kids particularly my eldest daughter who looks out for me if I do have to go anywhere out of the ordinary
Your situation would throw me too so I totally understand
My eldest grandaughter got married in NZ where she lives and luckily it was end of Covid times so I had an excuse but there is no way I could now do a long haul and I would have hated the big do they had and felt very overwhelmed … anyway that was 3 years ago and she’s awaiting a divorce and with someone else now 🤣
I think your daughter should know and understand you better you re not purposely avoiding her wedding she seems to have little empathy for you
I think there is far too much emphasise put on these big expensive weddings
Do what you are capable of Twiglet and don’t beat yourself up You are what you are …if you had a physical illness they would probably be more empathic
X

My DS was married 20 years ago in The Dominican Republic. I didn't go (nor did most of my family) as I could not afford the cost, at the time. It was mostly their friends and DIL's family

They were disappointed obviously, but it hasn't affected our relationship. They had a party for everyone who didn't make it later on locally.

I agree with everything Baggs has said. Too much is made of big weddings. It is the marriage afterwards which is more important.

I think the invite was a token gesture. The daughter must be very aware of her mother’s issues.
Of course she had to extend the invitation but knowing full well what the answer would be.

vegansrock

You seem to have a lot of issues here -why can’t you sort out your house ? You seem to think it’s unacceptable for anyone to stay in. How close a relationship do you have with your daughter? Does your anxiety prevent you from doing other things you’d maybe like to but tell yourself you don’t? I can’t imagine being in a situation where a short flight to a beautiful location and an important wedding would create such difficulties.

Bit harsh, that . My house has lots of problems ( including a leaky roof) too due to being divorced and on a small pension. Some people’s lives are like that. And I, too, suffer from social anxiety; it’s quite common y’know.

You seem to have a lot of issues here -why can’t you sort out your house ? You seem to think it’s unacceptable for anyone to stay in. How close a relationship do you have with your daughter? Does your anxiety prevent you from doing other things you’d maybe like to but tell yourself you don’t? I can’t imagine being in a situation where a short flight to a beautiful location and an important wedding would create such difficulties.

I would speak to your gp about your anxiety and see if they can or rh sos prescribe something to help. Even temporarily. I think your daughter may well forgive you for not going if she knows how you are BUT I would never ever forgive myself for missing my child’s wedding. And walking around with all that dear and anxiery can’t be fun or easy. It’s so so common and so easy to get help do yourself te favor of talking to your gp .

I can" t advise you, I can only say what I would do if I was worried about 2 dogs, dreaded flying, hated hot weather and felt awful in social situations. I would thank my daughter for her invitation but say unfortunately it is just too much for me to to deal with. However, because I cannot cope with a wedding abroad and all that it entails I would very much like to host a family celebration when you return from Greece.

I don't think you will enjoy it. Will your DD understand?
At least her brother will not feel she's being prioritised as you didn't go to his either!
Why people go in for weddings abroad on tropical islands, I have no idea.

My DS was asked to be best man at his friend's wedding in Singapore on Christmas day. He didn't go.

Stay with your dogs.