DD’s wedding

Would it help to talk to your daughter and tell her how anxious and upset you are about this? Surely she would not take offence, after all she has chosen the venue and presumably she must have an idea that it will be extremely difficult for you to go. Apart from the dogs and your anxiety, given that there are repair issues in your home, surely paying for air fares and accommodation would give extra pressure? Does your daughter not realise this?

I agree with those who say if a couple chooses to marry abroad, it is inevitable that some people either don't want to attend or can't attend.

So if it is all too much, and if you can, offer to pay for a smaller, more intimate celebration of their wedding for a few close family and/or close friends, you feel comfortable with, aftr their return.

Surely your daughter knows you well enough to know it will be a huge ordeal for you.

personally I could never leave dogs all day with just a neighbour popping in.

I think some people get so carried away with planning weddings overseas that they don’t consider the effect on guests. Some people can’t afford it, some feel like you, some hate flying.

One of my nieces and her boyfriend went to Vegas to get married alone because her Mum and Dad split up many years ago and cannot even be in the same room.

A four day extravaganza that you don't want to go to sounds a nightmare. Will there even be anyone else your age there or will you just be tagging along? Has your daughter thought it through? Suppose you really can't cope and she is faced with you having panic attacks? Much better to come and see you afterwards with photos and stories. You really need to talk all this through with her now and let her know how ill just thinking about it is making you feel.

It really is up to you whether you go or not. I’m not a fan of big 4 day party weddings. My daughter is having one soon, I’m relieved in England. Much as I love a Greek Island a 4 day party wouldn’t make me a happy MOB

Our wedding is short notice and the first thing I did was book my dog boarder. I couldn’t leave my dogs home alone I’d find a way round it and give apologies if need be

Weddings are so different than when I married. We went to the registry office then had a party at home. Now it’s big weddings, often over a few days and sometimes abroad. This fashion will change. I don’t feel critical or negative about the current fashion, it just is.

Best of luck deciding

Nuttynanna2

Bless you. Don't put yourself and your beloved dogs through this. It is not worth it, especially if you have been excluded from the planning and will be used for childcare. Can't understand couples who have lived together for years and have children wanting to have a big wedding.

I agree. The OP’s daughter must know her mum well enough to understand how she feels about social occasions and having to leave her dogs. Having someone check on them a couple of times a day isn’t imo an option ( I did that once and my dog was taken ill while I was away; I’ve never forgiven myself for it) and it’s unfair putting them through a course of injections so they can go into kennels, especially as they won’t just be boosters but a full course.

Bless you. Don't put yourself and your beloved dogs through this. It is not worth it, especially if you have been excluded from the planning and will be used for childcare. Can't understand couples who have lived together for years and have children wanting to have a big wedding.

Clearly going to your DDs wedding will cause you massive anxiety. It's not just about the dogs is it ? Such a stressful time for you just thinking about it. If you don't go your DD should understand, marrying abroad always causes problems for family and guests - they made that decision and you are entitled to make yours.
You know what you can and can not do ! Explain to your DD and yes, she may be disappointed but getting married abroad and expecting people to attend with all the stress and expense involved is asking a lot - even from a parent. I can ' feel' your
distress in your post. Put your mind at rest and let her know it is just too much for you. She should understand, tell her you love her and are looking forward to the photos/ video of their special day. Be brave and put yourself first on this occasion.

The wedding is on a Greek island.

Thank you again. Taking on board suggestions to see my GP, I was thinking in terms of flying, not issues around social anxiety. I can live with that as I rarely have to face social situations (is it no longer acceptable to be a hermit?), I have Rescue Remedy and Kalms. It’s not even actually the flight, I hate being locked in with lots of people.

I should have worded it differently and not got in a tizz and waffled:

1) has any mum opted out of attending their child’s destination wedding? (To the poster who asked, the couple live here - England - they just love hot sunny destinations, it might have been Mexico).

2) is it utterly unfair to leave the dogs here, with my neighbours popping round often through the day? They’re calm, kind, well mannered small dogs and apart from barking at the postman, in between meals and walks they will sleep.

On booster vaccinations I share the view of most (possibly all?) holistic vets that they’re unnecessary, certainly when the initial puppy (or kitten) course has been given. My vet is still an independent family practice, thank goodness, not taken over by one of the big groups that push chemicals that make them a lot of money, but aren’t automatically in the best interests of the animal. We don’t give children a yearly MMR, or diphtheria or tetanus booster, nor drop neurotoxins on their necks each month to prevent them from getting nits. We treat conditions if and when they arise. There are kennels and home boarders who will accept a titre test instead of boosters, but the only ones I know around here have large numbers of dogs, and I think the stress of that environment, to both my old girl and my tiny yorkie, would be far worse than being at home without me. I can’t have a dog sitter staying here, the house is… too quirky… but the neighbours’ house is too, so mine doesn’t faze them!

I’ll think on.

Not read the whole thread. But where is abroad? France, Spain - or the other side of the world.

I could not imagine not going to one of my DDs weddings, truly. Get help with anxiety, have a trial with dogs in local kennels, for 1 night, then 2 or 3. It depends how far 'abroad' is. If you don't attend, don't be surprised if your relationship does not alter.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I am surprised you are not more supportive, anxiety can be life changing and lead on to more life limiting conditions. The NHS recommends approaching your GP for help and advice. If you can't demonstrate empathy you could simply scroll on.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

This comment is truly lacking in compassion.. the poster is clearly suffering from anxiety and if she can gain some relief from it through medication that can only be a good thing.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I’m sorry but I disagree. Anxiety can ruin a life, it can be totally debilitating,
It’s not like a small worry.

It’s similar to depression, depression isn’t just feeling “fed up”.

You may be able to cope, but many cannot.

Please don’t “belittle” anxiety as it can be a very serious mental health issue.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I'm an introvert and shy as well. No MH social issues. I'd not go.

However, I believe there are many with anxiety MH issues. Who should judge another's anxiety, be it to social events or not?

twiglet77

I’m grateful for the tips, thank you. I hadn’t thought of talking to my GP.

I’m very much a loner and don’t have friends, my siblings are older (late 70s, I’m 68), and in poor health. And whilst a small apartment sounds less frightening than a hotel, I wouldn’t know anyone else and would have to get around on my own and use taxis or buses. That’s a dreadful prospect in my nearest town, let alone on a Greek island.

The moment I finished reading your OP I instantly thought “my goodness, this sounds like crippling anxiety”.

I am sorry you are dealing with it. It’s definitely life-limiting, so please do speak with your doctor.

Going to go against the grain and say that while I understand how your children feel, they should have a bit more compassion and see that your reluctance to travel is more pathologic than practical. Rather than guilting you, it would help to actively find ways to support your effort to go. If you need it, ask for help to make arrangements for your dogs and accommodations.

Sometimes asking for help is hard, especially after being somewhat dismissed. Parents and their children should be open to each in the least confrontational ways possible. Speak to them. Let them know you need help without complaining about their choices. Younger people these days tend be more open about mental health issues.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

Wow, judgemental much? You don't think crippling anxiety counts as a serious mental health problem?

I can sympathise. We're about to fly on a holiday that is really for DHs benefit. He has a big operation looming and is keen for some warmth as he has arthritis. Fortunately our DCs are looking after our dogs between them .The only time we've used a kennel in recent years as we were all at a wedding our old boy really was unhappy.And even with someone popping in wouldnt leave them overnight alone.But I'm a homebird at heart.None of our DDs have opted for the big wedding or would have the budget or expect us all to travel for one.Sorry I'm not helping !Just saying we're all different and some of us hate big 'do's'.I do hope you can either find some way to ease your anxiety and go. Or stay at home without too much upset if you can't.
I often think life must have been simpler when couples had a simple wedding reception.And no multiple hen and stag dos.!

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

Beach weddings, weddings abroad, just why? (Unless one party is from another country).
It’s all just daft to me. They already have children so it sounds like party time and photos for Insta 🙄

Once again I do agree Baggs, one only has to read some of the threads over on MN to know how this sort of pressure impacts and causes real distress with some people who are put under duress to meet others expectations. Because that's what they are, a sense of over blown entitlement about the simple act of making a commitment to their partner. Everyone seems to forget the essence of making vows in these overblown events. Expecting guests to spend considerable amounts of money and in this case overcome extreme anxiety, I empathise, in spite of umpteen flights around the world, I now hate and fear flying. I don't accept the argument that the OP is somehow proving that by not going she is not putting her daughter first, on the contrary I think her daughter, is not being empathetic about her mother's very real anxieties which are shared by many, if she does expect her to unequivocally go along with what is a tall order.

Being a bit of a hermit used to be acceptable. Seems to me that's all the OP wants. And to care for her dogs. Good luck, twiglet.

Fear of flying and utter discomfort in large, noisy social events is very common. People are expected to just accept all kinds of other ridiculous woke nonsense but seem to have difficulty accepting feelings that are actually quite normal.

For clsrity, I've no problem with flying but am definitely not a party animal. Why should I be?

Why are people so obsessed with weddings?

Why should anyone have to cope with flying and social anxiety about large events? Flying and large social events are not necessary to live an otherwise normal life. Why medicate unnecessarily just to fit in unnecessarily with other people's rather large expectations?