DD’s wedding

Would your dogs stay with someone at their home? Many dog sitters offer this. Or find a good kennel. I hate leaving my dog in one but I know he will be safe and well looked after. Your vet might offer some advice. However, if you really can’t deal with it then don’t go. They knew how you are yet still booked it!
Anxiety is an awful thing to deal with so you should speak to your GP.

This is not about the wedding, it is about the anxiety is limiting your daily life

I agree talking to your gp

You have presented a long list of reasons why you can't go, and an long list of reasons to defeat any possible solution anyone might suggest.

I don’t know if (DD,) will ever forgive me if I don’t go, but I feel utterly sick and distraught at the prospect of being away from home.

So there it is.
You or her.
Which is it to be?

I hate flying. Nothing would induce me to get on a plane ever again, no matter what the reason. If I couldn't get there by boat, rail or coach, forget it.
Don't feel bad. I bet if you made a list of pros and cons, the reasons for going would be much shorter than the reasons to stay home. Go with how you feel.

I agree too much hoo ha over weddings, it's the quality of life thereafter. How your daughter views you not going only you can know that OP, not everyone has such rigid set in stone views on something that has a lot of onerous scenarios for twiglet to factor in.

Baggs ( sorry)

Spot on Bags, totally agree with your comment. Twiglet77, put yourself first, and do what you want to. Instead of paying out for flight etc to the wedding, give them a nice sum of money( if you can) as wedding present. I'm sure it'd be appreciated. Anxiety is a terrible condition and can make you feel really ill.

"useful for childcare"

Taking advantage, then 🤨

Weddings are over-rated. Often nowadays they are just glorified parties. No-one needs a party to get married, and it's being married – committed – that's important.

You do not say whether your daugther is living in the country where she is going to be married, or marrying a man from that country, but it honestly makes no difference.

No daughter can be expected to understand that her mother refuses to attend her wedding. Nor can your propective son-in-law be expected to either.

Get your friend to look after the dogs in their own home - I am with you in that two old dogs will be happier in their home than in boarding kennels. As an animal owner I am shocked that you have not kept up your dogs' vaccinations, but there is time to rectify that if you would rather put them into a kennel.

Okay, so you dislike heat - stay in an air-conditioned hotel, drink plenty of fluids and wear loose clothing. Talk to your GP about fear of flying and what can be done about it.

If you don't go, you are basically telling your daughter that your dogs mean more to you than she does, so don't expect her to want to see you afterwards!

Grandmafrench (sorry I don’t know how to “tag”) there have been lots of really thoughtful and balanced responses, for which I am truly grateful, and your kindness, along with so many good, caring posters, is a credit to you. Thank you to all posters for taking the time to share your thoughts, it’s a great comfort.

As your DD really wants you to go and it is quite a short plane ride, I wonder if you could compromise.. Just go out with the wedding party and come back after a couple of days.

If your GP prescribes some sort of sedative you could probably manage the journey back alone and will be so relieved to get back to your dogs..

or as someone suggested take a friend with you..

Your situation has made me feel very sad, OP.
Smileless and others have expressed how I feel - particularly about your dogs. I couldn't leave my dog without being 100% certain I was happy with the arrangements, BUT please don't mention the dogs. That would not help the situation and everyone would instantly assume that you were prioritising the wrong thing.

You dread flying. I now have such a fear that it makes me ill. I won't fly. Surely your family know how you feel about that.

You have anxieties being in a social situation, feeling on show, feeling alone, staying in a big hotel, hate the heat.
OK it does sound as if you need some help with these anxieties but it's clear that you would be the last person to enjoy a Greek-based wedding (and you don't want to go.)

Then there's the cost! Weddings are expensive but, wow! -arranging them in another country and just assuming that everyone will be able to attend? Don't think that's very smart when getting married in a simple service in the UK, attended by friends and family, and then going off on a fabulous holiday/honeymoon must have some attractions.

I'm not sure your DD has thought this through as far as you are concerned, but you've said that they have been together for a long time and they have children. I'd imagine every Daughter would like her Mum to be at her wedding, but she's not exactly making it easy so should -once you've explained - be willing to accept that this trip is only going to cause you loads of anxiety and distress. Other family can easily 'help' with the children.

It looks as if a lot of your problems have merged to cause you to be in this situation but be brave, explain why you have to say no, do it soon, and then seriously think about making your life better - starting with a conversation with your Doctor.

I hope they're understanding and kind about this - should you decide not to go. I wish them happiness and that you will take action now to improve your own situation.

well once again reading your posts twiglet I'm wondering if it's hoped you'd be there to provide help with childcare, especially as despite being the 'mother of the bride' you've had no involvement with any of the planning.

If your decision is to not go, then the sooner you tell her the better for your anxiety. There's nothing for her to forgive; her choice to marry abroad and your decision not to attend.

I can understand how you feel. My daughter got married last year in Corfu and my anxiety went through the roof, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was a 'secret' wedding, with only her father and I present as witnesses, although they did have a party for friends and family when they returned. I fretted about leaving our dog in kennels, as he'd never been away from us before, but he was absolutely fine. Do go and speak to your GP and see if they can help, but if you really feel you can't go, then it would be best to let her know sooner rather than later.

I do appreciate the advice to talk to my GP, and lots of different perspectives on the issue of travelling to the wedding or not. The stomach-churning, heart-thumping social anxiety has been a lifelong thing, it’s not a new experience.

My DDs are very close, and close to their dad, less close to my son (who isn’t going). They think I’m a weirdo, but great with the children so useful for childcare. I haven’t been involved with any wedding planning or the dress, I wasn’t with the other DD either - they’d also been together a long time before marrying, then had a child and divorced the next year. It does all feel like an excuse for a party, and the other family and all their friends are real party people, I’m just not.

For me there is a difference between a wedding that takes place where the bride and groom may live, and the ones where the wedding is held overseas at a holiday destination.

I am not sure which this is- but I really don't know how I would react if any of my children said they would be getting married abroad, especially as they should consider whether it is convenient for other people to be in attendance.

I'm not sure I would go if I had your anxiety over travelling, or a commitment to animals.

If the wedding is just an extended holiday I wouldn't go, because I find it disrespectful but that's just me maybe?

I wonder why young people get to be so selfish that weddings become all about them, and not the family or social networks to which they belong.

By all means marry abroad if you want, but don't expect people to put themselves out finanically or otherwise, to be there. It all seems upside down to me.

twiglet said in her OP that the condition of her house doesn't make it suitable for a pet/house sitter to stay there.

When my dd has to go on holiday etc, they hire a pet/house sitter. Would that be an option for you? Then deal with the anxiety re flying and travel as a separate issue to resolve? Would hate to miss a daughter’s wedding personally but we’re all different. And I’m sure there will be air conditioning!

Whether you decide to go or not, please see your GP. Anxiety is bloody awful (as one who knows)

Sometimes my mind goes into overdrive imagining all the awful things that “could” happen (& more often than not don’t happen)

Anxiety can take over your whole life, frazzle your mind and affect you physically.

Please go and chat with your GP and there’s a whole host of helpful websites online that might help you.

Once you have help with your anxieties, real and imagined, then there’s a book called “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers.

Sometimes the fear of what might happened overrides the actual fear.

I do wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Are any of your siblings and your other children attending?

Smileless2012

I think if you choose to marry abroad you have to accept that not everyone you invite will want or be able to attend.

I agree with Elowen, tell your D why you wont be attending but don't mention the dogs twiglet. Your D must be aware of how you feel about flying and being away from home so facing the possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend should have been taken into account when the wedding was planned.

Excellent advice, Smileless.

After my divorce I had to attend the weddings of my two sons, one here and the other in Santorini. It was awful for me - I am on my own too. My ex-husband was there with his new wife. But I had to do it for my sons - as you say, they wouldn’t have forgiven me if I didn’t attend .
You must grin and bear it , just for a few hours.
I truly empathise. It’s difficult but please go

What Baggs said when people decide to marry abroad, they should factor in that maybe not everyone will be able or want to go. My step son married in Australia, where his wife was from His father and I didn't go, our children were quite young at the time. Didn't affect their relationship, he understood, it would have been too difficult for us.

I think if you choose to marry abroad you have to accept that not everyone you invite will want or be able to attend.

I agree with Elowen, tell your D why you wont be attending but don't mention the dogs twiglet. Your D must be aware of how you feel about flying and being away from home so facing the possibility that you wouldn't be able to attend should have been taken into account when the wedding was planned.

Sometimes it's necessary to say "I love you very much, but I can't do what you wish of me" -- selecting fears to use by way of explanation.

- I'm afraid to fly any longer, daunting.
- I'm uncomfortable in truly hot weather.
- I'm anxious in public, alone and as MOTB.

Tell her you're not attending soon. Allow her time to make any necessary change in plans - regarding her children's care during the wedding.

I was dreading my DDs wedding as it meant seeing the woman who gave birth to me again after going NC 8 years before. But I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I booked myself in for counselling and my GP prescribed medication. Family and friends understand the situation and even though our flight was cancelled, the woman (as expected) was a nightmare, I got through it
Please see your GP , please don't let your daughter down