woops!!!! I have been told I have really upset a Grandchild

I used that as an example of name changing but maybe a better example would be if a woman married but chose to keep her surname but we decided to call her by her spouse’s name - because it was almost unheard of years ago for someone to keep their single name other than for professional reasons.

This is a young person we are talking about and whether someone from two generation before is comfortable with it or not, times have changed and different codes of behaviour apply.

OP did absolutely the right thing before being made to feel uncertain by some knitters who (presumably) do not the know the young adult in question. I'm glad she posted the card and hope the apology is accepted with good grace.

you are an amazingly thoughtful, caring GM Franbern and I think that your adult GC should learn something from you..

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

Yes!

I referred to a young person I've known since she was born by her maiden name today, she didn't bother.

In fact, why should women have to give up their birth name? That's so passé now.

Whoops, I expect maiden is non-pc too, Silverbrooks
😯

*nowt

It’s an absolute minefield.

You did the right thing apologising, even though truly you didn’t (deliberately) do anything wrong at all.

My dear friend has a DGD with Autism and claims to be “non-binary” and has enormous meltdowns - she’s almost 14.

This reminds me of a story from when my youngest brother was of nursery school age and told Mum he would like some tights because my sister and I had just got some new ones. Mum told him little boys didn't wear tights. He said: "But when I turn into a girl can I have some?"
You see, he was the youngest of five and it went boy, girl, girl boy, boy. We reckon he thought you went through all the phases. 😂

Npwt new under sun.

I don't think there is a general rule about past names for trans people. Caitlin Jenner refers to himself as Bruce when talking about the past and herself as Caitlin when talking about the present. It was very kind of you to send the card, but I don't really think you did anything wrong.

The grandchild in the OP's story is still the same person she was when she was four however much she wants to pretend she isn't.

So am I. So is everyone else.

Baggs

You spoke of the grandchild as she was at the time of which you were speaking. I've heard of dead-naming. It's just yet another way of trying to control what other people are 'allowed' to say.

I don't think I would apologise in a similar situation as I don't think you did anything wrong.

Dead-naming is an invented 'crime' – total control freakery by rabid offence takers.

I agree with Baggs, although I've never heard of dead-naming.

Dead-naming sounds as if they are trying to eradicate history which is not possible.

Yes, best to apologise to keep the peace but, in my opinion, they should all be a bit kinder to you and allow for the fact that you are older and all this new language is strange to you.

Sorry, but they do sound entitled and self-centred and should be apologising for upsetting you.

Sending you

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

We might if we were speaking about the time before they were married. In fact, I and some school friends do use people's maiden names sometimes just to make it clear to someone who knew them "back then" of whom we are talking. Nobody, so far as I know, has taken offence. Why would they?

Only you can know your family dynamics and whether or not you spoke out of turn or your grandchild is being unreasonable.
Maybe you need to be having a one to one chat with them so they know and you know exactly how mistakes happen and how generations apart you are. I’m pretty sure it makes a huge difference and they will then understand you meant no malice.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. My advice is apologise and forget about it. Why are our grandchildren so sensitive. My 19 year old granddaughter constantly puts me in my place and borders on being rude to me in normal conversations. I take no notice and just smile through but where is the respect for me I show to her I ask myself. But then she hears her parents speak to me the same way 🤷‍♀️ I tread on eggshells around them

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

I do agree with Baggs ' last comments, and think it was very
kind of you to send a card apologising .
I think I would have been hurt by your well-adult grandchild's attitude . I hope you receive a card too.

Oops! he/she/it/them/wotever

Someone "well adult" should be able to cope with reality. So he/she/it is not "well adult".

You spoke of the grandchild as she was at the time of which you were speaking. I've heard of dead-naming. It's just yet another way of trying to control what other people are 'allowed' to say.

I don't think I would apologise in a similar situation as I don't think you did anything wrong.

Dead-naming is an invented 'crime' – total control freakery by rabid offence takers.

I have a couple of friends who have trans or non-binary children, and I know from their experiences that 'deadnaming' can be very hurtful to that person, even when it was completely unintentional and with no malice intended. You have apologised, and hopefully that apology will be accepted and everyone can draw a line under the situation.

You sound like a wonderful and caring grandmother ( if that’s what you like to be called!!) . I admire your thoughtfulness and kindness and I hope this is appreciated by your family. You have done the right thing and diffused what might have become a ‘situation’ that was difficult to move on from. Your daughter has defended her child which is the right thing for her - no doubt this is all very hard for her too. I think you could have easily been forgiven for all of this without having to apologise and send a card , but that is the kind of peacemaking person you are.

Your apology should be accepted with grace - there are no rights or wrongs in my opinion; just you reminiscing and recounting something from the past that actually happened - it was real life and part of your family history.

Whatever happened to respect for your elders?

They are now well adult.

I am not sure what that well means - 18 or considerably older than that but you used a name you knew they had left behind.

They have every right to be annoyed that you deadnamed them and you should apologise:

skills4training.org/what-is-deadnaming/

I would have apologised but doesn’t mean I agree
It’s all a bit beyond a joke now and if we make mistakes we shouldn’t be held to task unless it’s a purposeful slight

It obviously means a lot to your GC to not be referred to in their previous name, to you or me this might not sound like a big deal but it is what it is.
Am glad you apologised and that now everyone can put this behind them. Would have only caused more problems if you had made an issue if this, and life’s too short.

I would have probably done what you did, ie use the name at the time.
No point falling out with them.
You weren't in the wrong, but no harm following the advice to send a card for the sake of family peace and you continuing relationships with tem. You've been a great , accepting gran.