woops!!!! I have been told I have really upset a Grandchild

Good to apologise!
No harm to you and good for your grandchild and wider family.

Any name change is tricky until, like magic, one day it's amazingly not.
This is my experience anyway.

Poor you - caught up in a veritable minefield. All this terminology is so new I’m not in the least surprised you found yourself in a prickly situation. You’ve walked on eggshells before so I dare say you’re used to it by now. They wanted an apology and you gave one. Least said soonest mended I expect with your family.

Really difficult but I would always swallow my pride and apologise rather than fall out

I would have probably done what you did, ie use the name at the time.
No point falling out with them.
You weren't in the wrong, but no harm following the advice to send a card for the sake of family peace and you continuing relationships with tem. You've been a great , accepting gran.

It obviously means a lot to your GC to not be referred to in their previous name, to you or me this might not sound like a big deal but it is what it is.
Am glad you apologised and that now everyone can put this behind them. Would have only caused more problems if you had made an issue if this, and life’s too short.

I would have apologised but doesn’t mean I agree
It’s all a bit beyond a joke now and if we make mistakes we shouldn’t be held to task unless it’s a purposeful slight

They are now well adult.

I am not sure what that well means - 18 or considerably older than that but you used a name you knew they had left behind.

They have every right to be annoyed that you deadnamed them and you should apologise:

skills4training.org/what-is-deadnaming/

Whatever happened to respect for your elders?

Your apology should be accepted with grace - there are no rights or wrongs in my opinion; just you reminiscing and recounting something from the past that actually happened - it was real life and part of your family history.

You sound like a wonderful and caring grandmother ( if that’s what you like to be called!!) . I admire your thoughtfulness and kindness and I hope this is appreciated by your family. You have done the right thing and diffused what might have become a ‘situation’ that was difficult to move on from. Your daughter has defended her child which is the right thing for her - no doubt this is all very hard for her too. I think you could have easily been forgiven for all of this without having to apologise and send a card , but that is the kind of peacemaking person you are.

I have a couple of friends who have trans or non-binary children, and I know from their experiences that 'deadnaming' can be very hurtful to that person, even when it was completely unintentional and with no malice intended. You have apologised, and hopefully that apology will be accepted and everyone can draw a line under the situation.

You spoke of the grandchild as she was at the time of which you were speaking. I've heard of dead-naming. It's just yet another way of trying to control what other people are 'allowed' to say.

I don't think I would apologise in a similar situation as I don't think you did anything wrong.

Dead-naming is an invented 'crime' – total control freakery by rabid offence takers.

Someone "well adult" should be able to cope with reality. So he/she/it is not "well adult".

Oops! he/she/it/them/wotever

I do agree with Baggs ' last comments, and think it was very
kind of you to send a card apologising .
I think I would have been hurt by your well-adult grandchild's attitude . I hope you receive a card too.

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

I don’t think you did anything wrong. My advice is apologise and forget about it. Why are our grandchildren so sensitive. My 19 year old granddaughter constantly puts me in my place and borders on being rude to me in normal conversations. I take no notice and just smile through but where is the respect for me I show to her I ask myself. But then she hears her parents speak to me the same way 🤷‍♀️ I tread on eggshells around them

Only you can know your family dynamics and whether or not you spoke out of turn or your grandchild is being unreasonable.
Maybe you need to be having a one to one chat with them so they know and you know exactly how mistakes happen and how generations apart you are. I’m pretty sure it makes a huge difference and they will then understand you meant no malice.

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

We might if we were speaking about the time before they were married. In fact, I and some school friends do use people's maiden names sometimes just to make it clear to someone who knew them "back then" of whom we are talking. Nobody, so far as I know, has taken offence. Why would they?

Baggs

You spoke of the grandchild as she was at the time of which you were speaking. I've heard of dead-naming. It's just yet another way of trying to control what other people are 'allowed' to say.

I don't think I would apologise in a similar situation as I don't think you did anything wrong.

Dead-naming is an invented 'crime' – total control freakery by rabid offence takers.

I agree with Baggs, although I've never heard of dead-naming.

Dead-naming sounds as if they are trying to eradicate history which is not possible.

Yes, best to apologise to keep the peace but, in my opinion, they should all be a bit kinder to you and allow for the fact that you are older and all this new language is strange to you.

Sorry, but they do sound entitled and self-centred and should be apologising for upsetting you.

Sending you

The grandchild in the OP's story is still the same person she was when she was four however much she wants to pretend she isn't.

So am I. So is everyone else.

I don't think there is a general rule about past names for trans people. Caitlin Jenner refers to himself as Bruce when talking about the past and herself as Caitlin when talking about the present. It was very kind of you to send the card, but I don't really think you did anything wrong.

This reminds me of a story from when my youngest brother was of nursery school age and told Mum he would like some tights because my sister and I had just got some new ones. Mum told him little boys didn't wear tights. He said: "But when I turn into a girl can I have some?"
You see, he was the youngest of five and it went boy, girl, girl boy, boy. We reckon he thought you went through all the phases. 😂

Npwt new under sun.

It’s an absolute minefield.

You did the right thing apologising, even though truly you didn’t (deliberately) do anything wrong at all.

My dear friend has a DGD with Autism and claims to be “non-binary” and has enormous meltdowns - she’s almost 14.