woops!!!! I have been told I have really upset a Grandchild

You did the right thing to maintain relationships. Well done. But the intolerance and lack of understanding displayed by your family are disappointing to say the least.

Thank you Doodledog, I did look it up but it doesn't scientifically make sense. Had read about it and shelved it at the time. Know however that at any price we need to keep the peace in families, Franbern spoke of a time when the person was a girl because that's what she was at the time. If I had a grandchild like that I would tread very carefully indeed as I would never refer to anyone as a they or it they are a person not a thing., However, hopefully the grandchild, hope it's ok to say that, accepts apology as surely she knows her grandmother loves her.

I have just reread this thread and am thinking again about your mistake Franbern.
Originally I assumed it was basically a slip of the tongue out of not yet being accustomed to the new one but this really niggles me:

I will keep the peace, (.....) HOWEVER, I know that they are wrong, I was not 'deadnaming' then = I was reporting something that actually occurred 17 years ago. I could not possibly have called them with their current name!!!

I just don't know why not? Talking about X as a bridesmaid seems more respectful and generous to me.

Instead of a simple slip it seems like a deliberate act. No wonder your family were annoyed. Please go back and reread your posts and notice your rather self-righteous exclamation and question marks too.

Trying to compare this to a "salon name" is ridiculous - and surnames aren't at all the same.
My mother, grandfather and uncle all changed their surname at once. I have never heard their original surname used. My friend (and daughters) changed their family surname when she divorced - I've only ever used it on Christmas cards when they went by post.
Your chosen name is quite different.

Please try to put yourself into your grandchild's position and stop thinking they are wrong and you are right. That way lies only unhappiness, and nobody wants that.

An apology for hurting someone's feelings should be rather easy should it not? You don't have to understand why it hurt their feelings, just that it did. Now an apology you mean might be harder and need work to give.

If I am being honest, I sighed and secretly thought, “The entitlement of the young”
Yes, we should respect the feelings of others but that works both ways and they should be sensitive to ours.
It’s surely simply good manners to remember it isn’t all about you. That’s gentle advice and role modelling my parents instilled in us. It didn’t make us push overs but it did help minimise drama queening
Well said
I also agree that Franbern deserves more respect, acceptance and dare I say love from her grandchild and daughter.
You have apologised and I hope they can accept that with love and move on.

Perhaps the mother's attitude is one reason why this youngster has such problems.

I think when anyone is unsure about their gender, the best thing to do is not to make a big fuss about it. Just behave as normally as possible and hope that time will resolve the problem.
Sorry to say it, but I think this person's family have made too much of an issue of the whole thing.
If it were me, I would choose a 'pet name' for this person and tell them, that in future you will address them by that name.

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

My mum once sent me a cheque made out to my maiden name when my first daughter was about 4.
The cashier apologised when she couldn’t pay it into my account because the name was incorrect.
It took me a few seconds to work out what she was talking about. It looked alright to me.
I suppose I could have had a mental breakdown but I laughed instead.
A little different from the OP’s mistake but a mistake all the same. The OP has said she didn’t do it deliberately and normally calls the young person by their new name.

No apologies from me either. She's lucky to have such a kind caring grandmother who worries about keeping up with this GCs latest adolescent posturings.

We have a similar situation in my family without wanting to say too much. There are two people whose status is still confusing to me. The family have not been given any guidelines or indeed very much info on how to address them or refer to them in normal conversation. I am still not sure if they are 'transistioning' or just wearing women's clothes because they want to. Likewise are they intending to live the rest of their lives like this- not in loving realtionships but actually quite isolated and it seems living their lives in their on-line personae? It doesn't seem real to me, as if they have just invented alter-egos. I find it really sad.
The last time I saw them they didn't want to converse, give any indications about the choices they had made.
It has become difficult to even ask after their welfare because we still don't really know the right terminology we should be using.
I have no idea why they have chosen this way of life but it seems they don't really want anything to do with the family.
They seem very lonely and sad people and it is difficult to know how to be supportive anymore.

Or, ‘I’m sorry that you feel upset’ ! But no apologies would or should be forthcoming from me.

Luckygirl3

It is hard. Luckily my transitioning student GC has a sense of proportion and respect, which means that if people get it "wrong" sometimes they take it in good part, recognising that they have been one thing to us all for 19 years and we will not always get it right. And they certainly do not expect us to not mention things from the past and to pretend that it never existed.

"Deadnamed" - what a ghastly expression!

They do not have an axe to grind, nor a tub to thump - they just want to interact with everyone decently and kindly and would not take offence if things are not always perfect.

I am sorry that you find you have inadvertently given offence and that your GC and DD have taken the hump. Sympathies to you. Hope you can find a way of smoothing things over.

And that's the way it should be Luckygirl, tolerance all round.

Tolerance of how they feel and tolerance of those, particularly older relatives, who may get some things wrong in this new world.

Franbern obviously loves her DGC and really shouldn't be forced to apologise for this but, if it keeps the peace, perhaps a "I'm sorry that I upset you" type of apology would suffice.

Where is the tolerance? Your GC has enjoyed your loving care all their life - to behave so harshly towards you seems incredibly unkind. Nobody sets out to upset someone they love, and your GC should be aware of this - and not do it themselves.

I think you deserve an apology Franbern. You were obviously upset by making a "mistake" when you walk on eggshells to keep everyone happy

I actually think this youngish person deserves to be called a self indulgent bi*ch. But you are a good kind person.

I certainly wouldn’t apologise and this DGD sounds like a mixed up kid, even if she is an adult now.
Making an 84 year old apologise for reminiscing about four year olds as bridesmaids, ye gods!What childish entitled behaviour.
In future don’t bother to talk about her at all, then nobody can moan about it.

It is hard. Luckily my transitioning student GC has a sense of proportion and respect, which means that if people get it "wrong" sometimes they take it in good part, recognising that they have been one thing to us all for 19 years and we will not always get it right. And they certainly do not expect us to not mention things from the past and to pretend that it never existed.

"Deadnamed" - what a ghastly expression!

They do not have an axe to grind, nor a tub to thump - they just want to interact with everyone decently and kindly and would not take offence if things are not always perfect.

I am sorry that you find you have inadvertently given offence and that your GC and DD have taken the hump. Sympathies to you. Hope you can find a way of smoothing things over.

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

Hardly the same thing at all though eh?

Certain newspapers insist on calling the Princess of Wales Kate Middleton, just as Diana was called Lady Di for years after her marriage. Megan is still Megan Markle too.

I wonder why that is?

I think you didn't need to apologise Franbern, but it was a generous, kind and peace-making gesture to do so. I would have apologised too (despite quietly thinking that they had made a fuss over nothing).

Doodledog

Allsorts

I am not sure what a non binary person is, make or female I will google it.

A non-binary person doesn't see themselves as either male or female, Allsorts. That's the point.

To those with even a rudimentary knowledge of biology, everyone is one or the other, but non-binary is a so-called 'gender' classification.

A non-binary person doesn't see themselves as either male or female, Allsorts. That's the point.
And can change from one to the other, depending on how they feel that day.
Obviously this young person didn't feel female that particular day so objected to being reminded that they were once a bridesmaid.

I would just make sure to use the new and correct name in future.
But, as non-binary, how can anyone be sure?

more from me, Franbern

I think this is less to do with "when they were four" and more to do with getting used to a new name for someone you have known a long time.

My husband's friend was introduced to me as (say), Philip but it was years before I knew this was really his middle name. I might never have known except one day he decided to go back to his first name, Richard.

It is hard to shift your brain over when in casual conversation.

Likewise my closest friend's daughter decided 30 years ago that she wanted a new name. She wanted a gender neutral name to "go to university with". It took me ages to say it naturally as I'd known her all her life as something else.
Obviously if I'd been using it every day it would quickly roll off the tongue.

It does now, by the way! I had to think hard about her earlier (given) name when I wrote this.

I would just make sure to use the new and correct name in future.

I feel that they have disrespected the grandparent in this case. It could have been explained gently. No need for cards and to feel wrong footed. How are we supposed to keep up with all these changes!

Hard to keep up with modern English usage! Sorry you have been unkindly treated, Franbern, but you obviously did the right thing however baffled you may feel. I do wonder how that young adult will cope with the inevitable ups and downs of life.

You were wise to apologize. Having said that your GC should show you respect and understand what a difficult concept this is for our generation to grasp. If they don't understand they should grow up asap!! You have done no wrong , your
GC was really annoyed at your mistake - my heart bleeds for them !!! - NOT. I recognize the trans situation and am well aware of it's complexities, but your GC should not be so ' precious' they expect you to understand them but that works both ways - they should understand you made a mistake and accept that. Good luck.

What would I have done in your place?

Send a note of apology.

Allsorts

I am not sure what a non binary person is, make or female I will google it.

A non-binary person doesn't see themselves as either male or female, Allsorts. That's the point.

To those with even a rudimentary knowledge of biology, everyone is one or the other, but non-binary is a so-called 'gender' classification.