Childcare and Storage.

Grandparents do not have the power.

But what can she do?

Give in I say.
And be accomodating.

Yes he is controlling.
But cutting off your nose to spite your face is not helpful to anyone.

He is the op's sil.
Grandparents have to accomodate. Or suffer sometimes huge consequences.

From your comments about your son in law, this does not bode well for the future, for the child, your daughter and you.

Not allowing your daughter to invite you to the house to see the child unless you organise your house to suit his demands.

A red warning, particularly as one failed marriage already.

NangelaMary

Thankyou NotSpaghetti for your reply.
I do have a smallish sitting room, but because of ornaments and a glass coffee table it wouldn't be safe for him to crawl around. We also have 3 cats and my daughter and SIL live in a big brand new house with no clutter as they call it, just clear open fur free floors. I did offer to look after him at their home, but SIL wouldn't allow that !

I did offer to look after him at their home, but SIL wouldn't allow that !

Why?

Ornaments can be moved and a glass coffee table should be made of safety glass. If your DGS is a climber, you could put the glass coffee table away somewhere and buy a small nest of tables for the time being, perhaps from a charity shop or upcycling centre.

Honestly, he has problems. Good luck to your daughter, she needs to be assertive.

NangelaMary

Thankyou BlueBelle and argymargy
I agree about my SIL, he is older than she is and already has 3 children from another marriage . My daughter was upset with him for not allowing us to visit and so she has asked if I would like to go to playgym this week which I will and I will see my Grandson there.

That is absolutely not on!

Why should you not be allowed to visit at their house because this controlling man says you should sort your house out first?

As for Christmas decorations etc - they were in the attic in boxes but we're not finding it so easy to get up there now so they're in boxes in the built-in wardrobes in a bedroom.

Oh - and a stairgate!

I don't understand why helping out occasionally involves a room for the purpose?
Do you have a sitting room?

I don't understand why the child has to have a separate playroom either.
Ours just played downstairs where I could keep an eye on them, play with them, as did our DGC when I looked after them.

Ornaments etc., moved upwards, a fire guard over the fireplace and anything hazardous moved out of the way.
Presumably he's still having a daytime sleep in a cot.

Emotional blackmail is outrageous fancythat and this could be the thin end of the wedge. The OP's house wont not be child safe just because they don't clear out the bedroom; her GC doesn't need to go in there.

^ My daughter has said that until we sort the spare room out our SIL won't allow us to go to their house to visit our Grandson who we love dearly ! ^

Sorry, didnt read the posts very well.
Ah.

Personally though, I would still sort your house out to make it child safe.

With in laws, you get what you get.
I would be accomodating him.
What he is asking is not that outrageous.

But have now noticed the post where you were not allowed to go to their house to look after him.
I cant see why that wasnt allowed.

Personally, I dont think that what the SIL and DD are asking, is unreasonable.

They havent said you cannot see you grandson.
And your house does need to be child safe.

Presumably your spare room is to become a playroom for the child, who obviously cannot be left there unattended, so you will be expected to sit in a room with nothing to do other than supervise him.
This is what jumped out at me. Older children would probably like somewhere to play alone and out of the way, but babies and toddlers have to be supervised at all times. Are you seriously being told to 'go to your room' and sit upstairs in your own house? I'd be saying no. How many days a week is your SIL expecting this? If it's more than once, then IMO the baby will need to fit in with your routine. Obviously you will take time out to play with him, but he can 'help' you in the kitchen, and generally enjoy being around you - being cooped up in a purpose-made room is not the same at all.

Howabout suggesting that the four of you meet up somewhere nice for a meal and discuss things. Your SiL can then explain how his family works and what his oarents are doing, he could tell you why he thinks the bedroom in your house should be cleared, for example and you can explain to him that not all families are alike and this is the way you see it - and try and reach an agreement.

OK, I know, and pigs might fly, your SiL is not that sort of person. However, I do think you need to stand up to people like this. Decide what you are happy to do - put a travel cot in the room your DGS can sleep in when with you etc. and then say, thus far and no further, we have our own lives to leave.

Written into any relationship with our children once they grow up, and especially once they are in a partnership, is that the relationship should be at arms length. First your child and their partner look to each other - and we must stand outside and accept the decisions they make.

However a line needs to be drawn when they start dictating to you how you areto live your life. The line is there, no matter how it affects your relationship with your grandchild because at the point he starts telling you what to do, the relationship has become abusive and you must step away. He is using your grandson as a weapon in a game of emotional abuse.

Like others, I worry also about your daughter and the dangers that she too may find she is being pushed into a coercive relationship. You could find yourself, all of a sudden seeing your grandson 24/7 wen the relationship breaks down and your daughter and grandson, seek refuge with you.

We have a large loft.
We have a "playroom" for toys etc.
I dont tidy out every drawer to make them child friendly, but I bear it in mind.
Cleaning products and medicines all been in high cupboards since our own kids were small.
Bought yet another outdoor toy box, so that kids are not encouraged to go into the garage where DH keeps certain, non child friendly things.
Am redecorating one of the bedrooms so two lots of bunk beds can go in there for when the kids are older.
I recently bought an up to date child first aid book.

But we very much want our kids and grandkids to visit as often as they want.
But none live locally at all.

I would be prepared to remove a glass table as I think they can be too easily broken, (saw it happen once and it was shattering) and I would hide my most precious ornaments, but that is all the accommodation I would make. Presumably your spare room is to become a playroom for the child, who obviously cannot be left there unattended, so you will be expected to sit in a room with nothing to do other than supervise him.
You really have to spell it out to your daughter and her husband that you are offering childcare as a favour, not the other way round.
As for withdrawing visits to the child as a bargaining tool; disgraceful.
Your daughter should be ashamed of herself.

It’s an unreasonable expectation and yes, controlling and bullying.

When our grandchildren were little we stored toys where we could and they played in the room we were in or zoomed up and down the hall. The only adjustment made for tinies, other than moving anything precious and breakable out of reach, was to put a quilt over the very sharp cornered marble hearth.

To answer your question. Our pared down indoor Christmas decorations are stored under ottoman beds. The outside decorations are in a large waterproof bag in the loft and will shortly be moved to a plastic half-shed in the garden. Memory boxes are in the top of a wardrobe in the guest bedroom.

Please don’t clear out the bedroom - surely you’d not want your grandson shut away like that. What would happen if you didn’t do as told when your daughter returns to work? Is there a Plan B for your grandsons care?

Even when they were very little we didn’t have a ‘dedicated’ room for visiting Gdcs - they played in the sitting room. Obviously I would put anything breakable or potentially hazardous well out reach first. Especially when Gds was at the chuck-and-bash stage!
Not that we have a lot of knick-knacks anyway.

BTW all our Christmas decorations are stored in the loft, OP. There’s all sorts up there, what we’d do without it I don’t know!

I agree with Cossy that it would be better to childcare in his own home for a number of reasons.

The thought of hours with a small child confined to an upstairs room sounds like a nightmare for you and him.

It solves your space problem, shows that childcare is a negotiation and is better for your GS.

If you agree to this demand more will come. How dare he. And I would be concerned for your daughter too to be honest if he is capable of those tactics 💐

Can see why his first marriage broke up!

I agree with argymargy you absolutely do have an option NangelaMary and that is to say you wont be clearing out the bedroom.

Seeking to control with the use if emotional blackmail needs to be knocked on the head immediately because this could may be the first time you've been threatened with not being able to see your GC, but sadly may not be the last.

It seems to me it's your daughter that has a problem not you. Why is she allowing her husband to dictate what will happen regarding childcare. I can't imagine my daughter tollerating this from her husband he would soon be given short sharp shift. Not that he would anyway he's lovely and appreciates any help.
I suggest they find a nursery for their child for childcare.

Just be careful you don't "over offer" NangelaMary or you will forever be "under delivering" I'm afraid - irrespective of which house.

Can you put glass protection over your coffee table? It will stop the baby trying to stand up when underneath?
My friend did this when we were both young mums and it was then a great height for a toddler to do jigsaws etc on.

Thankyou Cossy
I agree- I don't see why my SIL doesn't want me to look after him there. I think they are hoping he will have his own bedroom at ours maybe !

Your SiL's behaviour does seem very controlling to me. From what you are saying, a lot does seem to come down to what he will or won't 'allow'. This is definitely verging on emotional blackmail on his part. I'm with Cossy on this one. If he finds your living arrangements unsuitable, then tell him you will look after the child in their home instead.