Friend doesn’t understand grief

I'm very sorry to hear of the death of your lovely brother.

You're grieving him, trying to be with his family and yours, you're not well, have been in hospital and this so called ''friend'' is chucking a massive tantrum because your attention hasn't been on her for a while.

Don't bother meeting her next week, contact her to say you won't be going as you're having to deal with a heavy heart and your own illness and you don't feel ready to babysit her and put up with her me-myself-and-I attitude.

Good luck, Mamma66 and I wish you well.

Meet her and, if you can, explain to her how you are feeling. A good friend will understand. It may be that she really cares for you and is genuinely worried.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if she had said instead, how are you? Can I do anything to help? Only you can decide whether to see her or not. If you do, perhaps you can explain fully how awful you’ve been feeling so she might get the message. A similar thing happened to me. Sadly it altered the entire quality of our friendship. I do see this person now but I don’t think of her as a close friend and I don’t see her regularly. She is more of an acquaintance. It’s a loss but I think of true friends as being there for each other….

I would send her a message saying that you are too upset and cannot face the world at he moment explain that you need more time to grieve and that you would love to meet when you can control your emotions.

I think this is a very tactful way to phrase it Truffle43

I'm so sorry for the dreadful times you've had recently Mamma66

Your friend could not have lost anyone close or she would understand the pain you’re going through. I would send her a message saying that you are too upset and cannot face the world at he moment explain that you need more time to grieve and that you would love to meet when you can control your emotions. If your friend is going through a bad time you hearing her problems may be too much. You have dealt with a lot in a short space of time and you need to put yourself first.

Sorry typos there but you get to r drift.

Not callous at all, you are the one whom weds support not your friend, no matter what kind of a tough time she is going through grief at the loss of a loved one stops the clock. It is the very worst pain and you need to be careful to process it one step at a time and tell your sister in law to take her own sweet time to process her loss. My heart goes out to all of you 🌺🙏🏾

I forgot to mention, in response to questions, my friend knew about my brother and uni friend and knew both of them, particularly my brother.

I do think there’s an issue of her not having experiencing this kind of loss and also that our way of dealing with things differs massively. When my mum died, thirteen years ago of cancer, I dropped off the face of the earth. Her death was awful and I struggled for a long time.

The same friend took umbrage that I disappeared from life for quite a while. I tried to explain, but she just didn’t get it.

I know she is having a tough time herself and under normal circumstances I would be supportive, but I just can’t do it at the moment. I know it probably sounds a bit callous, but I am trying to keep my head above water and support my sister-in-law and nephews and nieces, I haven’t got head space for anyone else just now.

One of my closest friends died a year ago after being ill for just 2 months. In July my beautiful sister died suddenly. She had been ill for a few months but was misdiagnosed. She was told it definitely wasn’t cancer only to find out that she had thyroid cancer that had spread to her chest. She had a very successful operation only to die 11 days later from a heart attack. She suffered dreadfully after the operation but we were all ecstatic that the operation was a success. Her death has had a terrible effect on me and I don’t think I will ever get over it. There was only a one year age difference and we spoke every day by telephone ( sometimes twice a day). She actually stayed with me for 3 weeks prior to the operation as by this time she was very ill. There is hardly a day when I don’t cry. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up. It all feels like a dream.
My other close friend died on Boxing Day after only being ill for 4 weeks. She was a wonderful support to me and I miss her so much.
I just wonder how much grief I can bear. I’m not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy. I have the feeling my husband and my son think that I should pull myself together. I am trying very hard but the grief I feel in particular for my sister has just overwhelmed me.

I am so sorry.
You are going through a terrible time, I feel that your friend is very selfish, or has never experienced the death of a loved one.

Cancel if you don't wish to meet yet. If she was a friend she would be more empathetic.

Don’t meet her if you don’t want to, it’s about you at the moment and taking care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Your friend is just quite outstandingly selfish, or autistic.

When my sister died in a road accident, it was fully six months before I returned to the world.

Thank you for your comments, support and advice. This has been the most terrible time, but your responses have helped me to reflect.

I was ill from July onwards, ended up spending four weeks in hospital and have been housebound for the last 18 months. I was discharged from hospital on a Sunday, the following Thursday my beloved brother collapsed. Five days later one of my old university friends died from cancer leaving three teenage children. I feel like I am absolutely drowning to be honest.

My younger brother says that grief is like joining a s**t club that you didn’t want to join anyway and the only people who get it are others in the club. He’s right and I suppose I should hold onto that. I probably need to recognise that my reservoir of tolerance is very depleted at the moment. I must try to remember that unless you’ve been there, you really don’t get it. My poor sister-in-law who has lost the love of her life has already had people hinting that she should be getting over it! It’s astonishing really.

To those of you who have lost loved ones, you have my deepest sympathy. I think that unless you’ve been there that you don’t appreciate that life will never be the same again.

I think I need to take one day at a time and try to remember to be as patient as I can be. Onwards and upwards I guess…

Yes, pably makes a good point. This isn’t how I’d expect a true friend to behave.

I’m sorry for your loss. Your friend is being selfish - fancy saying she’s hurt!
I’d want to give someone like that a wide berth, friend or no.
How much do you value the friendship? Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate. I’m a lot more selective these days about who I keep in my life. But maybe go and meet her and she how she behaves. Don’t be afraid to distance yourself if you find her draining.

no, your are not being selfish, I think your friend is, and I wouldn't meet up with her, I don't think a true friend would treat you like this...I'm sorry for your loss ,take care

So sorry for your loss your brother sounds like a lovely person and was no age to die.
Of course you can’t be faffing about with a needy friend when you are trying to help your sister in law and nephews/nieces, and have also had health issues.
Call her and tell her exactly how you feel/have been feeling and perhaps ask her to support you in some way, if only to give you time and space.
🌺🌺🙏🏾

I would certainly cancel. Just say that you're not up to chatting or socialising and will be in touch when you feel more robust.

Put yourself first.

Grief takes many forms, the most difficult is if the bereaved person shows little sign of distress. Some people just put on a brave face to friends but cry privately. If she does know your brother has died then it is rather thoughtless of her to badger you. I think the idea of a card explaining you need some space and will contact her when you are ready is the best idea. My sincere condolences to you.

So sorry this has happened to you and your family. Maybe we have friends for different reasons? Yours maybe very supportive and amusing under other circumstances, just not under these circumstances. Perhaps she lives in her own head thinking her problems are the centre of the universe? Whatever the truth you need a break from her for a while, some time to heal. Meeting her when you don't want to is not the answer. Excuse yourself. If you never hear from her again she's a solipsist and you're better off minus her.

It's a very sad time for you Mamma. You need to look after yourself and take as much time as you need to feel able to see your friend again.
As others have said send her a letter telling her how much she means to you but you aren't ready to talk yet.
If the friendship means as much to her she will wait for you.

Maybe she is feeling hurt because you have been rejecting her attempts to get in touch as a friend. If it is a strong friendship she will want to be there to support you. Ok, so it’s not what you want just yet, but she is there for you. I have been glad of all offers of support from friends. I have never shut myself off. We all grieve differently.

I am not making excuses for your friend, however I dont think you really understand grief until you have had a loss yourself, maybe she has not lost anyone close.

Part of the grieving process is anger and although I understand why you are feeling anger towards your friend try to give her another chance as you would not want your grief to mean the end of a long friendship.

Norah

No, you're not selfish. She's unfeeling.

this.

I'm sorry about your brother. I think people really underestimate (or overlook) how devastating it is to lose a sibling and how you carry that grief with you forever.

I'm presuming that your friend knows about your brother's death? ( condolences and very sorry for a terrible loss).

We need our friends.
If this is a friendship that you value I'd give them a second chance and explain that you haven't been in touch because you are so utterly devastated and that though you sympathise with their difficulties (whatever they are) you haven't got much spare capacity.
Suggest a meet-up in the future at a date that you can manage. If they accept your predicament and show that they understand then I'd leave it there and part on good terms and retreat back into your refuge until you are ready to emerge.
If you get something less than sympathetic then I'd reconsider the value of the frienship.
Both you and they may feel/see things very differently in six or nine months time . You may/may not feel like coping then.