Friend doesn’t understand grief

I don't think you are being selfish but grief can take very different forms for different people. She is looking at things from her perspective, not yours. She certainly sounds selfish, but if she has a lot going on in her life, she's maybe lost perspective. Has she been in touch with you during this time? If she has, and you haven't responded, I can understand her hurt. If she hasn't, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the strength of the friendship. I wouldn't do anything too drastic at this point, but see her and keep the conversation light. Tell her you have to go after an hour or so.

As she is a close friend, 6 weeks is a long time to have not been in touch.
I wouldnt necessarily say you have been selfish though, in your circumstances.

No, you're not selfish. She's unfeeling.

People take offence far too easily. If she really is (was) a close friend a quick explanation from you that you were unwell and then your brother died and it's knocked you for six should have sufficed.

I avoided people for months after DD1 died, mainly because they asked how I was and there was simply no way I could answer that. I know they were only being kind but what was I supposed to say? They wouldn't have wanted to hear the actual truth.

Most people understood. Your friend is selfishly making it about her. Not what I would call close friend behaviour.

Condolences

Sorry to hear about your loss. Sounds like you've lost a "Good 'Un" and I can understand it will feel like a large gap has been left in your life.

Wondering if people might have different attitudes to a death (even of someone close) if they have a different attitude towards what happens "afterwards"?

Does she have a strong belief in "life after death" and you don't and that might help explain differing attitudes now?

Some people just aren't particularly negatively impacted by death and have to remind themselves that others are - so as to understand how they're feeling/thinking. If she's a "strong believer in Heaven" then it may be that she's someone who doesn't get upset at other people's deaths and it's difficult for her to understand that different people react differently.

Wait a moment... you were so significantly unwell that you were in hospital for four weeks and are taking some time to regain your strength. Your lovely brother, who you loved very much, has died and you are coping with so much sadness. That is a lot of stress and grief. You need a friend who is going to consider your emotional needs and support you whilst the loss of your brother is still hurting very much. It seems to me she lacks empathy with your family situation.

Perhaps the kindest thing to do is to ask her to give you that space and time. I would tell her that you have always enjoyed her friendship, but right now you must focus on your own healing and that of your SIL and your brother's children. Say you would love to catch up with her soon.

I am very sorry for your pain. Losing a brother or sister can truly be devastating and very often, after a bereavement like that, we are not ourselves for some time and behave in ways that are not normal for us.

I expect your close friend felt that she would be some one that you would turn to and doesn’t understand why you seem to have cut her off and so is hurt and is trying to re-establish contact.

You say she is not having an easy time and you may be, from her point of view, just another of her friends who has dropped her because of her problems.

It’s a pity for both of you if the friendship is lost because you are both having a difficult and distressing time. Perhaps if you meet, just for an hour or so, you might both find some comfort in your friendship.

💐

You are not being selfish. You are grieving.
I lost the best brother any sister could have. I am the youngest of 9 (no one left). After my Dad died, he took over that role. I still miss him after all these years. I understand how you feel.
My condolences to you and your family..

fancythat

As she is a close friend, 6 weeks is a long time to have not been in touch.
I wouldnt necessarily say you have been selfish though, in your circumstances.

When my dearest friends husband died I said call me when your ready
That took a year. No bad feelings as we knew each other inside out. We had been friends for 60 years.
When we did see each other she said why can’t people leave you alone

Some people just don't understand grief .
One of my friends took enormous offence when she came round expecting to be invited in when I'd texted her to say that my father was dying and I was rushing to the hospital .
He recovered ,but she's never forgiven me Apparently I am a disappointment to her .
Since then I've found out that she's offended with many people .
I have friends who lost husbands some years ago and they are still grieving .
It can be a very long process .
I lost my father 18 months ago and the pain is as acute as it was then -not helped by my own failing health .
I'm sorry to wrote it ,but your friend is selfish and not considering your grief .

Clearly, the friend is not recognising or accepting the impact the loss of the OP's brother has had on the family.

To lose a loved one is devastating and add a recent hospital stay into the scenario makes matters so much more difficult.

Mamma, you have nothing to apologise to your friend for and I think she is being very unreasonable and unkind to you.

We GNetters are here for you, take each day as it comes and continue to be the wonderful and supportive sister in law and aunt to your family

I'm just wondering was she aware of the awful and tragic train of events if so she ought to be more understanding. I'd meet and tell her the combination of the two have knocked you for six. She'd have to be lacking in empathy not to understand how you are currently feeling, maybe she's not fully aware of the impact of illness and the overwhelming sense of loss of your brother have laid you so low.

Condolences.

You are not selfish at all. I would say she hasn’t yet lost anyone close or she would understand your grief. Maybe send an email and say sorry you are very upset just now but will be in touch.

I doubt that she doesn’t understand grief unless she has never experienced it. It’s that you are both focussed on your own concerns at the moment.

To give you an example. Some years ago, I was having a tough time in a relationship and needed someone to talk to. I arranged to met a friend who I saw regularly. She was aware of something of my situation. However she had just bought a puppy that she was besotted with and brought it along with her. I tried to talk but all she was bothered about was the puppy. I’m sure she wasn’t hearing a word I said. I’d say something like, What what would you do in my situation? She’d stroke the puppy and say, Isn’t he cute? I went home and cried. Neither of us had headspace for the other’s pre-occupations.

For some time after, I felt annoyed by that encounter and didn't see her for a while but soon realised we were both being selfish in our own way. Time passed. I ended and got over the bad relationship. She calmed down over the dog.

I would say meet this friend but keep it short. Get a feel for how things are between you. Be prepared for her to rattle on about her problems. Grit your teeth if they seem trivial compared to yours.

Grief is selfish. Only we know how we feel but you will come through it. Maybe thinking about something outside of the family for an hour will do you good. You don’t have to take anything on. Just lend an ear for an hour.

One of the hardest things about grief is accepting that other people’s lives are going on all around us just as before, while ours have changed forever.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like a lovely man.

You are not being selfish at all. Grief is so all consuming that it's normal to have little capacity for anything else. After a recent loss I had no space in my head for anything other than just getting through each day as it came. It's like your bucket is full of grief and you cannot put one more thing in it.

I also think grief changes you permanently. You come out the other side a bit different, perhaps stronger or more self aware and you want different things from people and life. When you're in the heat of that change it's hard to socialise because you aren't really sure of what the real you is at that time and how you'll present yourself to others.

My cousin would not give me space when I was grieving, endless messages, calls, requests to meet up. Her inability to respect my boundaries when I most needed her to has had a lasting negative impact on our relationship.

I would send her a card. Say that you really value her friendship but that you hope she understands that you need space and time to grieve .. and you would really appreciate that she allows you the time to recover..

Thinking about your friend not understanding grief, really what she doesn’t understand is how you are dealing with your grief.

Everyone deals with grief in a different way. Mine has always been to fall back on and surround myself with my friends. Yours is to withdraw into a safe space with your family and limit outside to the minimum necessary.

Neither is wrong, but can cause differences in friendship if you are opposites. She lacks understanding of your need to be left alone. You perhaps are not able to understand, because of your grief, that she feels rejected?

I hope your friendship can survive the test.

Oh.....so very sorry about the loss of your brother..he sounds like a gem. Take care as you grieve and be very kind to yourself.
As for your friend.. do what is necessary to park her somewhere knowing you'll need her help/ support/ friendship at some point when life has settled xxxx

Sincere condolences, all grief can feel overwhelming but the loss of such a key person is very hard. You’ve also had a long hospital stay, you must be drained and exhausted.
Unless I’ve missed something, it seems your friend is hurt because you didn’t get in touch for 6 weeks. That isn’t selfish, it’s a natural part of grief to feel seeing friends is beyond us.

Has your friend been in touch with you? When my husband died, I got in with the necessary shop, cook, clean, eat, sleep, walk the dogs - anything else was beyond me. Three of my close friends kept in touch via text, daily, short messages with no expectation I’d respond. I’d be asked did I want a visitor or need anything, open invitation to lunch. I felt so lucky to have understanding friends and I’m so sorry the friend yiu mention seems unable to empathise or begin to understand how much you’re going through.
I wouldn’t feel pressured to keep next weeks meeting. An understanding friend would accept you saying it’s too soon

My husband died unexpectedly just over a year ago, we had been married 65 years and I am still in a state of total shock. I know he is dead but I am lost and sadly my children don’t understand. I have only one true friend who has supported me and helps me get through the endless days and nights. Everyone has their own way of coping with grief, I don’t need anyone telling me I will get over it or he would want you to carry on with your normal life. I would suggest you meet your so called friend who in my opinion has not been as kind as she could have been. Just meet up for a coffee or tea make it short, explain you are spending time with your extended family, don’t dwell on the bereavement and just say you will keep in touch with her and will contact her shortly. I have found it very strange how so called friends seem to have disappeared since my husband’s funeral, also how some didn’t even attend for various reasons. I send my sincerest sympathies to you and your family. ❤️

I am sorry your lovely brother has died. You naturally are heartbroken. Don't worry about your friend she is not being understanding. . Naturally you want to be with your family.

No, your are most certainly not being selfish! She is !

Condolences on your loss x

I'm presuming that your friend knows about your brother's death? ( condolences and very sorry for a terrible loss).

We need our friends.
If this is a friendship that you value I'd give them a second chance and explain that you haven't been in touch because you are so utterly devastated and that though you sympathise with their difficulties (whatever they are) you haven't got much spare capacity.
Suggest a meet-up in the future at a date that you can manage. If they accept your predicament and show that they understand then I'd leave it there and part on good terms and retreat back into your refuge until you are ready to emerge.
If you get something less than sympathetic then I'd reconsider the value of the frienship.
Both you and they may feel/see things very differently in six or nine months time . You may/may not feel like coping then.

Norah

No, you're not selfish. She's unfeeling.

this.

I'm sorry about your brother. I think people really underestimate (or overlook) how devastating it is to lose a sibling and how you carry that grief with you forever.