Friends condoning affair.

I wonder if your friends would condone the affair if it was with their husband .

Many years ago I had a blind date with a man. He looked lovely and I thought how lucky I was to have met him. He handed me a bunch of runner beans which was unusual but nice. After about 15 minutes he told me his wife had dementia and was in a home, so she wouldn't know what he was up to.

I got up and walked out and left his runner beans on the table.

Until you're in a similar position, in the same circumstances, you've no idea how you'd behave. There are alot of perfect spouses with perfect marriages making perfect decisions on this thread.

Dottydots, I understand your reaction, but this is a totally different situation. If I ever was struck with Alzheimer's, I'd hope my husband would stand by me as long as we can still share our mariage and be together. But if either of us would get so bad that one had to go into a home for care, we would both like the other to continue to live their life to the full, whilst still caring for the other, and that would include companionship, with or without sex.

Absolutely no comparison Labythrus3

Lathyrus3 sorry for typo.

What I’m trying to get at Georgesgran is why people think there is no comparison because to me there is an almost total comparison.

Both involve a married couple where one is happy to lie in order to carry on doing something that he knows his spouse would not want him to do.

So it must be the thing that is being done makes people say this deception us ok but that deception is not.rather than actual deception.

So how do people decide which deceptions are the ok ones. What criteria do they use?

I’ve always been interested in what you might call flexible morality.

Lathyrus3

Hmm. The trouble with the difference between an Ok lie and deception and a not Ok lie is not the lie but what people are lying about?

I mean f you apply the criteriaIm grad to get him out of the house sometimes - well that could apply whatever he was doing.

Or if you apply doing it over and over again, we’ll that fits the bill for both.

Or to if you say it’s justified because she shouldn’t object to him doing something he enjoys with a person he enjoys being with…..?

So what is it that makes one sort of deception absolutely all right, and another one absolutely all wrong? Sex?

One man has a controlling wife who won't let him watch a bowls match so he says he's playing and you can't see that is different to having an affair.

It would affect my friendship with someone who thinks it's OK to behave like that. I agree. I would be very disappointed if any of my friends thought this was OK.

Lathyrus4 the difference is one wife is entitled to expect her husband to be faithful and the other wife is unreasonable to try to control her husband's hobbies.

What's the difference in him playing bowls and watching bowls?

Luckygirl3

*It would affect my friendship with someone who thinks it's OK to behave like that.* I agree. I would be very disappointed if any of my friends thought this was OK.

Having an affair or watching a bowls match?

But his actions and reasoning are exactly the same in both cases.

“This is something I want to do because it gives me pleasure. It is something she doesn’t want me to do so, in order to carry on with what I want I will lie and deceive.”

Why is that an ok morality for one circumstance but not for another? Which actions can he apply that morality to? If his deception is allowed or even applauded in one area of his marriage why is the same morality condemned in another area? The moral principle has not changed.

So how do people make the judgement of this is ok, this is not ok? What is the difference between lying about spending time with a friend at bowls and lying about spending time with lover?

BlueBelle

My DD's sister-in-law died a long slow death age 35 from breast cancer. Her DH (then age 32) nursed and supported her throughout. During his many 12-hour shifts at the hospital and hospice he met a kindly nurse of similar age to him who it turned out lived close to him and his wife.

Shortly after her death he bumped into the nurse and they went for a coffee while he poured his heart out to her.

His late wife had made him promise that he would never look at another woman and her parents knew that.

So when, a year later, he visited them to say he was re-marrying (the nurse) they were furious. They never spoke to him again and their son (my Son-in-Law) supported them. He was therefore banned from visiting them and his little nephew and niece whom he had been very fond of. I and my DD are pretty certain that the "affair" would not have been started while his wife was still alive - he wouldn't have had the time or inclination.

As in-laws, we had got to know him quite well. He was a good man. We could not imagine such a young man feeling obliged to live the rest of his life without a wife and family. It seemed cruel. No doubt he had made that "promise" to help his dying wife and may or may not have meant to keep it.

My DM had two sisters who died in their early 30s leaving two small children each. The one with a six-month-old daughter remarried a year later and the whole family was delighted for him. The woman was a widow (WW2) with a son whom George adopted. A happy family as a result.

The wife in the bowling scenario is unreasonable. She isn't his master and if the only way he can do something as normal as watching his mates in an activity he enj
oys is to lie I think the fault is with his controlling wife

Well you could apply that reasoning to an affair too. In either case he would be lying in order to carry on with what he wanted without confrontation because that’s not what he wants.

Same moral reasoning.

Esmay

I also feel acutely sorry for his wife and hope that she doesn't find out .
No doubt he's said that their marriage was over years ago .
Last time ,a guy said that to me I asked him who laundered his immaculately starched and ironed shirt .
And did he go home to a nice clean house with his supper waiting ?

Esmay - there is a saying - “a gentleman does not step out
with one woman wearing a shirt another woman has ironed”

You're so funny theworriedwell. So broad minded and avant-garde with your progressive views.

Lathyrus3

But his actions and reasoning are exactly the same in both cases.

“This is something I want to do because it gives me pleasure. It is something she doesn’t want me to do so, in order to carry on with what I want I will lie and deceive.”

Why is that an ok morality for one circumstance but not for another? Which actions can he apply that morality to? If his deception is allowed or even applauded in one area of his marriage why is the same morality condemned in another area? The moral principle has not changed.

So how do people make the judgement of this is ok, this is not ok? What is the difference between lying about spending time with a friend at bowls and lying about spending time with lover?

Have you ever been the wife of someone having an affair. When you have to not tell a soul to protect your children?? Even over twenty years on my stomach is churning writing this with the memory of finding out about the affair.

I’d find infidelity a reason to divorce. Trust would be devastated.
I’d have been hurt and probably angry if I’d discovered my husband was lying to me about where he was going. Trust would have been really shaken. If he’d lie rather than discuss something, trust would be shaken. Things would need to change

The one thing that is quite certain is that those two (intermediary) friends can't be trusted to keep a secret. It's not clear why they said what they said - but I'd say "Don't ever tell them anything you want kept quiet yourself - because they've already proven they won't do so".

Lathyrus3

Well you could apply that reasoning to an affair too. In either case he would be lying in order to carry on with what he wanted without confrontation because that’s not what he wants.

Same moral reasoning.

No it isn't. An affair is breaking his marriage vows, can't remember anything about not watching a bowls match when I got married.

OhOhOh

You're so funny theworriedwell. So broad minded and avant-garde with your progressive views.

It might be because I e never watched a bowls match. Maybe I'm just not understanding the debauchery that goes on. I'll never look at my neighbours who play bowls together the same again! The racy pair and she looks so demure.

Disingenuity doesn't become you theworriedwell

🤣🤣 theworriedwell

I'm afraid that I have no time for anyone having an affair - I've witnessed first hand the trauma and devastation this can have.

I can recall a colleague telling me about her sister some years ago, she was involved with a married man and had been for 2/3 years. My colleague said to me "well she's not doing anything wrong is she, she's single!"

I'd rather honesty be involved and one relationship ended before beginning another, still painful but at least an element of respect.