Friends condoning affair.

No it is not ok. I agree with you

Flutterby345

Flutterby345

Bluebell, as I understand it your cousin's wife remarried after he died albeit very soon after. Wondering if your cousin had been a long time ill beforehand. I have heard that if someone is happily married and the spouse dies they often marry again quite soon. Happiness all round for those surviving.

BlueBelle
See above, spelt your name wrong.

Where did you ‘hear’ that widows /widowers who were happily married often marry again quite soon’. ‘Happiness all round for those surviving.
All the research I’ve seen says men are more likely to re-marry than bereaved women. The younger people are when widowed, the more likely they are to re-marry
Posts here tend to confirm my experience of family and friends. People who were happy tend not to re-marry, those who were miserable did

Affairs are like all relationships - each one is totally unique, like marriages. Without knowing the situation and those involved inside out, one should never judge. The wife may be a monster in private, there may be all sorts of permutations. It's not a happy situation for anyone.

How do we know anything about this situation? It seems some are so quick to judge - if there is one thing I have learned in my life it’s never to judge.

Did anyone consider a lady suffering domestic abuse? I am sure she would be delighted if he had an affair, giving her the chance to escape. Just an idea.

Sago

Astitchintime

Is he so unhappy in his marriage that he has to seek solace and comfort elsewhere???? Two sides to every story.

Victim blaming.

Not so, Sago. Merely raising the point that non of us know the full facts.

I bet your friends wouldn't like it if it happened to them. And it probably won't be long before one if them tells tbe wife.

When I was married at 23 my husband cheated on me twice. I later found our from a friend that she had seen him with another girl whilst we were engaged. I wish she had told me at the time! Obviously that marriage ended but sometimes the children bear the consequences of this as well.
It is NOT okay for a man to have an affair and you are not a killjoy. I would question the morals of your friends.

Lathyrus3, I get where you are coming from. To me, both things are about trust. I don't know that I would end my marriage for lying about watching bowls rather than playing although it would seriously discombobulate me whereas I would probably end my marriage over an affair.
I did have a friend who had an affair with a married man and although I didn't think it was the right thing to do, I was inclined to support her. Her first husband was a violent, alcoholic who was still giving her hell, her second husband died of cancer and this man she was seeing was initially more about friendship than anything else. I remained supportive because I thought she would need as many friends as possible to help pick up the pieces. To my surprise, all his stories about his wife's controlling, cruel behaviour turned out to be true and he found the courage through my friend to leave her. They are now very happy. Sometimes these things aren't necessarily as clear cut as we'd like.

I cannot understand how anyone would start going out with someone married, from the off you steer clear. However not all long marrages are happy ones, I know people who live separate lives in the same house, a wife of 50 years who knows her husband has always been unfaithful but as long as they are together for family events etc she's happy. I am so fortunate my husband and I put each other first, I would never get that again, I do miss him.

My first marriage ended due to my husband's infidelity. It's horrible, you feel such a fool, believing all the lies. I've been happily remarried for 15 years now and my ex husband is single again after his new wife left him . He will never change, I often wonder, why he gets married. I also have a friend that has been seeing a married man for years, apparently his wife also has a lover .

Allsorts

I cannot understand how anyone would start going out with someone married, from the off you steer clear. However not all long marrages are happy ones, I know people who live separate lives in the same house, a wife of 50 years who knows her husband has always been unfaithful but as long as they are together for family events etc she's happy. I am so fortunate my husband and I put each other first, I would never get that again, I do miss him.

I know an unhappy couple like that. Nearly 50 years ago he left her but was guilted into going back by all the disapproval as they had young children. They live in open warfare, spend as little time together as possible. They have a nice home and a good standard of living but the thought of being in a miserable relationship from your 20s to your 70s is horrific. I feel sorry for him particularly as he seems so unhappy, she wasn't prepared for the drop in her standard of living so maybe it was worth it for her as she put that first.

I'd rather live in poverty than endure that sort of relationship.

After 50 years it may be a mutual understanding that the wife isn't into intimacy, for whatever reason, but to keep her husband and other aspects of their marriage she may agree to him having an affair to keep his libido happy!

I’m with the worriedwell, I’d rather live alone and even in poverty than compromise myself out of existence to keep a marriage going
I’d never tolerate infidelity ‘to keep his libido happy’

eazybee

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
The same could be said of marriages.Unfair to condemn when you do not know the participants.

I am always astonished when I hear about the betrayed spouse in a long-standing marriage who claims to have no idea the partner was involved in an affair. As the ex-wife of a serial adulterer I always knew, fought it until finally I gave up.

But there are all sorts of marriages. I knew a group of women where the main topic of conversation was running their husbands down and how they were 'not putting up with that any more, I'd rather have a cup of tea and my bed to myself', (always the master bedroom I noticed) The husbands all seemed decent, kindly men who provided well for their non-working wives and their dogs and their horses and cars and never appeared to seek consolation elsewhere.
Only one wife separated, devastating her husband and children, then discovered unmarried life was, and is, very lonely.

So perhaps there is a reason for this particular man's infidelity; perhaps his wife does know, but doesn't care.

The reason for this man's infidelity is simple. He is an entitled cheater, who wants his home comforts with a bit on the side, he doesn't want the bother of a divorce and the disruption to his life. He doesn't give a stuff about his wife.
You're astonished that wives in long marriages don't know their husband's are cheating. Well I didn't after 36 years. Yes looking back after being told about it, but that's not much use is it. And people had k own a d had not told me. Honestly that is such a rotten thing to do to a woman. Let her know for heavens sake so she can make decisions for the rest of her life made on the truth, she can get tested for STIs, too. Sex with a cheater isn't informed consent.
If the wife does know and is cool with it
then no harm done.
As for the poor woman who is is being deceived into being the other woman, it's not fair on her to not let her know, the sooner she knows the better. So unfair to let her grow fond of him and when eventually she finds out down the line she will be gutted.
Nit k owing is unfair on both women

I was married for about 17 years when I discovered my ex H was having an affair. He always had plausible excuses if he was home late. I later found out he was lying through his back teeth. I had two school age sons and didn't want to end the marriage for their sake. However he left to live with his mistress and eventually she grew bored with him and kicked him out. By this time I had put in for a divorce and he tried to come crawling back but it was too late. I was so hurt by what he had done and could never trust him again. It took 3 years to get divorced because he ran off abroad. I met my 'now' husband 18 years ago this year and we have been married for 3 years this May. It was hard bringing up the boys on my own but in retrospect I am glad my ex left as I would never have met my wonderful loving new husband. I went to hell and back with the ex and the thing that hurt the most was other people knowing but not telling me until afterwards! No one wanted to interfere. I just wished to high heaven someone had told me!

Ali08

After 50 years it may be a mutual understanding that the wife isn't into intimacy, for whatever reason, but to keep her husband and other aspects of their marriage she may agree to him having an affair to keep his libido happy!

There's no mutual understanding about anything with them and I'm pretty sure she'd kill him if he had an affair. I've been in the back of their car when they were arguing. She punched him on the side of his face, I'm not talking a slap or a push it was a full on punch. He nearly crashed the car and that was the last time I had a lift from them.

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