If you make it a competition you will always lose.

Our adult children and their partners are all aware that we are there if anyone of them needs us. It's up to them how much help they want to call upon, some more than others, or whether they would prefer to ask the other grandparents. There's no competition involved, and no one feels put out.

When my husband built a wooden tipi with 6 year old grandson, his other grandad said with a laugh, listen I can’t compete with that and I wanted to be the favourite grandad.

If we are lucky and keep our feet on the ground, we all recognise trying to compare how much time each grandparent gets to spend with the children and their parents, is the road to stress and destruction.

Iam64

When my husband built a wooden tipi with 6 year old grandson, his other grandad said with a laugh, listen I can’t compete with that and I wanted to be the favourite grandad.

If we are lucky and keep our feet on the ground, we all recognise trying to compare how much time each grandparent gets to spend with the children and their parents, is the road to stress and destruction.

❤️

I think it has a lot to do with immaturity. Odd as it seems, being old enough to be a grandparent doesn’t always mean one is emotionally mature.

I couldn’t be bothered with comparing how much time the grandchildren spend with the other sets of grans. Comparison is the thief of joy. This new-age competitive grand-parenting/controlling grand-parenting is strange. It’s too important to me maintain good relationships and quality time to fret over. One of my daughter’s has a competitive MIL. I have great pity for her MIL, as it must be a very insecure place to be in. When she tries to control holidays and birthdays, I always let my daughter know that her dad and I will never put her in a position to “choose”. I think my children appreciate how casual we are about things, so they actually choose to spend a decent amount of time with us.

*When my husband built a wooden tipi with 6 year old grandson, his other grandad said with a laugh, listen I can’t compete with that and I wanted to be the favourite grandad.

If we are lucky and keep our feet on the ground, we all recognise trying to compare how much time each grandparent gets to spend with the children and their parents, is the road to stress and destruction.*

Love this.

I am the closest grandparent to my daughter’s children, but they also have three other blood-related grandparents, and
( because of remarriages and in-laws) a further 8 people of my generation that they are close to and see at least three times a year. I am pleased, as I think this enriches their lives and helps to see a broader perspective than just their immediate family.

I think a sub-title should be
“Its not all about you”
So often (especially on AIBU threads) the moan or rant , drama or dilemma stems from the poster’s own sense of entitlement and an absence of respect for the other party or the feelings of others.
Sometimes you can make a good guess at why some families behave the way they do!

As a parent I am happy if my family is happy - that is it really. If seeing other of their family members makes them happy - good.

I never criticise or pass judgement. That isn’t my place or roll.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion, but unless asked (very rarely) I keep my thoughts firmly to myself, and even when asked, I am very circumspect in what I say.

I also never ever talk about one family member to another unless it is positive, or about stuff like health or news etc. certainly no criticism.

Sago

Every week there are threads about the other grandparents, in-laws, new wife, ex wife etc.

Although I think a lot are created by trolls and bots it is ridiculous!

My DIL and son spend a lot of time with her parents, it’s just the way of the world, they are great people and everyone gets on, we are busier than them and see less of our lovely son and wife but love the time we do spend together.

I am so happy they are so good to our son.

Do people not realise that their behaviour is likely to cause a rift.

I think it’s really immature behaviour.

AIBU?

Your spot on,

My parents and my husbands parents were introduced to each other long before we got married and became good friends, going out socially together and all of us spending Christmas together in one or others home. This continued after both my mum and his dad died. My dad would visit my mother-in-law and the would go out for lunch or visit local historic properties together. The only difference was the way they treated their grandchildren. At my parents the children felt at home, they had a toy box and always treats in the fridge to help themselves to. At his parents they, and we always felt like visitors on best behavior, having to wait to be asked if we wanted anything to eat or drink. Obviously the children preferred visiting one set of grandparents over the other although they loved them all.

Sago, I tend to agree but there are sometimes exceptions to this.

One of the ‘other’ in-law grannies in our family actively dislikes me and ‘badmouths’ me frequently to our shared grandchildren. We have never said anything negative about either her or her family but she continues to be unpleasant about and to us, particularly to me. I’ve rather given up caring now, as her manipulative behaviour has caused me such upset over the past years. A friend who has seen her behaviour thinks that the other granny is jealous of me, not sure why!

🌷🌷🌷

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But we have to acknowledge that all families are different. Some revolve around harmony and others, seemingly, around the opposite of that. I guess it takes all sorts…

My MiLs birthday was Boxing Day and did she show off if family didn't see her on the day.
Ironically, she never used to bother with any of our birthdays, cards were days late and we never got a phonecall.

My DiL has regular weekend meals with her mother and I know that she stays with them pretty often. I really don't mind that we see less of them as her mum is widowed and lives completely alone now. I think that they make a bit more of a fuss of us when they see us as it doesn't happen so often.
Also I think that is is pretty normal to be closer to your own mother than your MiL. Fortunately I live very close to my own daughter and see a lot of her.
I can never understand why people choose to take offence about this, you can't gain by doing it and indeed can lose closeness if your family take offence.

62Granny

Also why do people make a huge thing about seeing their children and Grandchildren on the "day", Christmas, Mothers day, Easter. You can see them any day, my DD and her family came yesterday to see us and she brought a gift and card in readiness for Mothers Day, she will phone next week , they live about 45 mins away by car. The drama caused by some of they are not seen on the " day" is wearing for everyone.

You are SO right! When my husband and I were married, we didn’t go on honeymoon until two days after the wedding as it was my FIL’s birthday that day and all hell would have broken loose if we hadn’t been there. 60+ years later, I still fume about it! Why didn’t we tell them that we wouldn’t be there?
We always said our daughters would never have such rules forced upon them. Consequently, we know that when they visit, it’s because they want to.
A few years ago, circumstances dictated that one of our daughters and her husband had been forced to change their holiday dates. This meant they would be away for my birthday. They were a bit upset about it but I wasn’t and told them I would celebrate my actual birthday with my other daughter and would have a second birthday when they returned. A win-win situation in my eyes (and theirs). Life’s too short! I am just happy that they still want to visit me. The date really doesn’t bother me.

My Parents and my Husband's Parents met when we got engaged then again at our wedding and that was it! We never expected them to become buddies and socialise together although it would have been nice if they had. For some reason they did not gel so we just accepted that was how things would be. It was a shame really.

We live nearly 2 hrs away from our 2 GC but try & spend time with them at least once a month. We are very close to our daughter & get on well with our SiL. We also get on well with SiL’s parents & have a close independent relationship with them - meeting up & having outings together. What works less well is having us all together at the same time. The GC become totally engrossed with their other GP’s & ignore us to the point of rudeness. We have different personalities & we are less outgoing & are quieter so we get sidelined for the exuberant noisiness of the other GPs. We tried a family holiday for all of us last year & our GD would have very little to do with me unless she was made to by her Mum. As has happened over previous years. It did feel very hurtful at the time. Yet since then our relationship has improved hugely & she now greets me as though she is really pleased to see me & spontaneously holds my hand (which she hardly did before). I know we offer a completely different relationship to the GC which hopefully will remain important to them but when they actively make it clear you are 2nd best it can be hard to cope with at times.

You are right op.

With 2 of our families, we see them less than the other gps. And with two, we see them more.
It is just the way that it is.
And just the way that it is, that with the one of those latter two, it doesnt seem to matter, and with the other one, the gc prob does prefer the other grandparents. For now at least. Whatever.

fwiw, I have always seen mich more of my mother in law than my mother, since having been married.
I dont think my mum has ever complained. Or even mentioned it.

My DIL was quite controlling with her mother but her mother moved away. DIL tried to force her not to move but she did, so they didn't speak for years. They are still not close but phone very occasionally.
DIL has never been like this with us or our son.
Her father visits very occasionally as far as I know. We see them when we stay with our daughter - roughly every month. DD gets on well with her Sister IL and brother.

I saw my M-i-L more than my mum too, fancythat. Mum didn't mind. My children grew up with a close relationship to both of them.I got on well with M & F-i-L & mum was grateful that they were so helpful to us in many ways.
I was lucky that if I did need help (having the children for a week while I was away on a training course for eg) my mum would drop everything & do it, whereas my in-laws (perfectly understandably) liked to help on their own terms.

Sago

Every week there are threads about the other grandparents, in-laws, new wife, ex wife etc.

Although I think a lot are created by trolls and bots it is ridiculous!

My DIL and son spend a lot of time with her parents, it’s just the way of the world, they are great people and everyone gets on, we are busier than them and see less of our lovely son and wife but love the time we do spend together.

I am so happy they are so good to our son.

Do people not realise that their behaviour is likely to cause a rift.

I think it’s really immature behaviour.

AIBU?

The clue might be in they are wonderful people Not everyone has that good fortune!

Having said that I do agree that the competitiveness seen in some threads is pointless.

When I met my DD’s in laws her future mil stated “ I don’t share my son with anyone”. She meant it and has always made life very difficult for DH and I on family occasions. My sil has always just tolerated my DH and I ensuring there is no place for us. He borders on being extremely rude. It not a competition but not everyone in life you meet are wonderful kind welcoming nice people. My DD (appears) happy and I just keep quiet. It is hard and hurtful though to be on the receiving end of unnecessary hurtful behaviour.

I live 100 miles away from my little granddaughter (4yrs), her other Gran lives down the road but she's older than me and our granddaughter is her youngest with her eldest being 20 and with 3 others in between.
I see my granddaughter every 3rd week when I have her for the day while her dad is on a dawn shift and my daughter works every Saturday too.
My granddaughter has different names for us and doesn't really understand who we are - her parents' mums - and I have her all day alone and she only sees her other Gran with her dad or mum there. Different relationships....and she loves us both. The more adults in her life who love her the better I think.
But I get it....
My ex tells her he is her real grandad which is hurtful for my husband who does lots for her and feels deeply for her as does the other step grandad... Her paternal grandad died before her birth which is hard for my son in law.

But that's why he's my ex.

When my first grandchild was due the other grandparents rushed out buying expensive goods for the baby. I wasn’t even thinking of competing. I always said that I would be the grandma that was fun to be with and I have been. They all live several hours away and I mainly see them at holiday times but the memories are special. They see their other grandparents most weeks but I just enjoy the times we have together. Face time is a great tool if the children like to talk. I have one lot that FaceTime regularly because they can, the others don’t bother but I don’t mind as we are all different. Enjoy the times you have together and give them happy memories.