If you make it a competition you will always lose.

No, I think you are spot on. I think some grandparents do have a tendency to make it all about them, and don't realise that - as you say - if you turn it into some kind of competition, they will end up losing out.

I suppose some of it is about lack of control and just hurt feelings though. One of mine is incredibly secretive about his private life (I have no idea why as the others are the complete opposite) and it does upset me a bit. I try to keep to keep it to myself but have said on a few occasions that I've felt hurt - but that was because of snappy/snippy remarks which were uncalled for "It's none of your business" type stuff to fairly innocuous conversation. I don't know, maybe I am one of those people but if they are living with me I expect some sort of communication about comings and goings as I feel they are my responsibility and I worry
I sort of feel it's part of being a mum

Also why do people make a huge thing about seeing their children and Grandchildren on the "day", Christmas, Mothers day, Easter. You can see them any day, my DD and her family came yesterday to see us and she brought a gift and card in readiness for Mothers Day, she will phone next week , they live about 45 mins away by car. The drama caused by some of they are not seen on the " day" is wearing for everyone.

My DDs parents in law are competitive but I refuse to engage. I don't want to know how often they see my little GS or what they do but I can see the looks if he tells them he has been to stay with me.
He loves them and me so what does it matter.

I refuse to get involved with competitive parenting or grand parenting, I really cannot see how it could possibly help any relationship.

It depends Sago as not everyone's experience of 'the other GP's', in laws, AC's husband/wife/partner etc is the same.

62Granny

Also why do people make a huge thing about seeing their children and Grandchildren on the "day", Christmas, Mothers day, Easter. You can see them any day, my DD and her family came yesterday to see us and she brought a gift and card in readiness for Mothers Day, she will phone next week , they live about 45 mins away by car. The drama caused by some of they are not seen on the " day" is wearing for everyone.

I agree, we always say to our 3 it doesn’t matter if we don’t see the at Xmas, Easter etc.
We just want the time we do spend together to be happy.

Don’t let it occur. Enjoy what you’re getting. I recall my mother saying thank you to me for sharing my children with her (and my dad) It hit me like a hammer at that moment how important it was to them.
I too am now very grateful for whatever time mine will share with me as I know there lives are for them to live and to bring up any families as they chose.
So far we are lucky but certainly not taking anything for granted.

Sago

62Granny

Also why do people make a huge thing about seeing their children and Grandchildren on the "day", Christmas, Mothers day, Easter. You can see them any day, my DD and her family came yesterday to see us and she brought a gift and card in readiness for Mothers Day, she will phone next week , they live about 45 mins away by car. The drama caused by some of they are not seen on the " day" is wearing for everyone.

I agree, we always say to our 3 it doesn’t matter if we don’t see the at Xmas, Easter etc.
We just want the time we do spend together to be happy.

Agreed.

I'm not at all interested in 'the day' or competitive 'other family' behaviour. I'm perfectly happy seeing ours when we see them.

Perhaps one of the keys is to maintain a sense of self.

It depends. It would take a saint not to be upset if you ALWAYS come second to the other family

eddiecat78

It depends. It would take a saint not to be upset if you ALWAYS come second to the other family

This ☹️
And if you’re too accommodating and the other GPS aren’t then you get left out.

We have the problem that we are overlooked in favour of my DiL’s family. They live 5 minutes away from each other and see each other every day. We are a 4 hour drive away which, if I want to see the Granddaughters, I have to make. I’m not getting any younger, it’s difficult. Often they are out when I get there. I recently had an operation and my birthday. No card was sent. I no longer say anything but it’s very difficult and hurts me. I’m sure some might be ok with this but people should understand that not all of us are. Nothing to do with immature behaviour, just an awful sadness that we mean so little to them.

Thank heavens we have never had this problem. Daughter 1, now divorced, lovely in-laws, my only regret about the divorce is losing their friendship.
Daughter 2, all live fairly close, but they live much closer. We all get on well, we love their son, they love our daughter, we all love the children , no tensions whatever.
My son is single and childless, and I’m aware that could have been a different story.

Gillycats

We have the problem that we are overlooked in favour of my DiL’s family. They live 5 minutes away from each other and see each other every day. We are a 4 hour drive away which, if I want to see the Granddaughters, I have to make. I’m not getting any younger, it’s difficult. Often they are out when I get there. I recently had an operation and my birthday. No card was sent. I no longer say anything but it’s very difficult and hurts me. I’m sure some might be ok with this but people should understand that not all of us are. Nothing to do with immature behaviour, just an awful sadness that we mean so little to them.

Am sorry you feel like this, and this is not about being competitive is about you wanting to be remembered by your AC and granddaughters, there is a difference. Not all ACs take time to consider their parents, we know they have busy lives, but taking time to answer a call or better still actually make that call can make a big difference to the parents, especially if it is a parent living alone.
Some parents/grand parents can be unreasonable and over bearing/competitive, but many just try to toe the line and cling to any contact they are allowed.

My DD lives closer to her in-laws and naturally sees more of them. Her MIL would do nursery/primary school pick-up and on occasion that I wasn't on shift I would go along with her. We all get along famously and both Grannies agree that the time with the GC is a blessing NOT a given right.

Tensions and resentments as old as since time began I expect - one way or another.

No wonder there are wars when even families (who love one another on the whole) can’t get on.

Gillycats

We have the problem that we are overlooked in favour of my DiL’s family. They live 5 minutes away from each other and see each other every day. We are a 4 hour drive away which, if I want to see the Granddaughters, I have to make. I’m not getting any younger, it’s difficult. Often they are out when I get there. I recently had an operation and my birthday. No card was sent. I no longer say anything but it’s very difficult and hurts me. I’m sure some might be ok with this but people should understand that not all of us are. Nothing to do with immature behaviour, just an awful sadness that we mean so little to them.

I'm sorry.

Have you talked to your son, the one you raised and cares about your feelings? Not to accuse, just to explain as you have here?

We're grandparent with all daughters within minutes away, seen many times weekly, nobody overlooks others - we're merely here. Perhaps reframe your view of the pils and you may feel better.

glasshalffullagain

Perhaps one of the keys is to maintain a sense of self.

I agree that it helps to be comfortable in your own skin.

Parents of young children are busy and tired. Their focus is on their children and keeping their heads above the water. A grandparent’s role is to support, support, support.

Gillycats, that sounds rotten. Maybe a quiet but firmish word with those who were rather thoughtless.

Sago Absolutely spot on and I agree

Sago I liked your opening post. I have learnt to be grateful for what we have rather than what we don’t have. DS and DiL live quite close to us as do her parents but we see very little of the four grandchildren as they are always so busy with activities. We are not asked to babysit as the other grandparents do it all.I was grateful originally as we were very busy with our other grandchildren who lived with us (daughter’s children) and was pleased the other grandparents were helping our son out and that he gets on well with them. We would love to see more of them now but it is not to be. However when we do see the children they are delighted to see us and we try to make the most of it.

I agree with you. There seems to be many parents who think they are the most important person in their adult childrens lives, they are not it is often their partner and children that are more important.

I've just been blessed to have my DD and her family visit for 6 days over spring break. When they come to town, there are two other sets of grandparents to visit (SIL's parents are both divorced and remarried), so juggling dinners with other grandparents is a shared thing, and not a competition.

And having two sons, I do see that the DIL's might be closer to their own mums, but we do the best we can and have good relations with the grandchildren. I realize I am very lucky.

And now I'm off to feed grandson's (11) goldfish while they go away for a few days! I love that he trusts that I can handle the job.