Almost 5 year old granddaughter

Welcome, glad you reached out. At age 5, kids can be deeply affected by family dynamics. Keep things simple, honest, and age-appropriate when talking to her. Stability and consistency are key. If there’s confusion around parental roles, it might help to gently clarify without overwhelming her. If possible, consider speaking with a child therapist, they’re great at helping kids make sense of complex situations in a healthy way. You're not alone in this.

This poor child is in an impossible family. I am sorry to say that, but no adults come out well. It's a disgrace this was allowed.

I've been in the early childhood sector for years.
In that time I have cared for children of lesbian mothers and they generally call them mummy and mumma or mamma and mummy...insert the name of the non biological parent.
Their friends at kindy tend not to think too much about this, they just accept the situation. However as your grandchild gets older there others will question the arrangement.
It is important that your granddaughter is able to express her confusion but eventually she will have to decide on the names she attributes to her carers.
The idea of a photo book is excellent, kids at this age are visual learners and she may even swap the photos/titles around for some time until she is settles on something definitive. Good luck, it is a difficult situation but hopefully with patience and understanding things will sort themselves out.

Poor child☹️

Maybe time to review the day to day care arrangements. Having worked in social care this sort of arrangement is hard on children as they may feel they have no home base. Even more of a problem when she starts school. What she calls her carers is part of her identity and very important to her future wellbeing. Is there a social worker who could help?

I would just be honest and tell her the truth in a very gentle unjudgemental way, she can understand. You'll be surprised at how well children perceive things. She probably already realises that her life may be different than her friends. They do have little chats between each other, "is that your mummy and daddy", particularly if one parent is much older, ie. the grandfather. Just be kind and answer her questions in a thoughtful way, and she will be okay. Much live xx

I think your ex is unrealistic. She knows. And those bonds, however he resents them, should be let to develop as long as its safe. This child will resent him in the future. He needs to act in the best interest of the child.

I’m in agreement with those who say the child needs to lead the way: in who she calls what, in the questions she asks. The most important thing for all the adults to do is to avoid telling her things, unasked, and instead to be responsive and open any time she asks a question. That way she will know she can ask, and she will ask only at the level she is ready to hear.

I think it’s good to avoid correcting her directly, but the adults to continue to use the appropriate names for people: Grandpa, Jenny, Grandma, etc. She will work it out in her own time.

When she wants to know why she can’t live with her birth mother and the new baby can, it’s great to use language like ‘when you were born, mummy wasn’t well, and wasn’t able to take care of you. You were so special and scrumptious (sorry, a particularly English word!) that Grandpa decided there and then that you would live with him instead! So he adopted you, because we didn’t know if mummy would get better. But then she did get much better, so Grandpa decided he didn’t need to adopt the baby, which is why the baby lives with mummy and you live with Grandpa and Jenny and <all the other names of people she lives with>

My favourite book of all time for any form of family is Under the Love Umbrella by Davina Francesca Bell (no idea if available in the US but I assume so). It’s a picture book perfect for her age, with a simple poem running through a line per page, all about no matter where you are you will always be under my love umbrella. The key is in its simplicity — the words only include ‘you’ and ‘me/I’ so there is no gender indicated. And the illustrations are beautiful, and represent every form of family you can think of. For this little girl it sounds like she might see herself in several different versions of the illustrations to cover all the different homes she is connected to. It’s just the best book to tell any child that they are loved even when you aren’t with them.

I don't think proper checks were made on this family, sorry. I feel sorry for the child. As for grandad wanting to be known as daddy, words fail. Are no checks made on a child after adoption! If she had been adopted by other than family, she would be in a family set up with a mom and dad. All she has now is confusion, there will be trouble ahead.

The child should be allowed to call the adults whatever she feels comfortable with. The adults need to put the little girl first instead of their own egos or feelings.

If calling the gf, who acts as a mother, ‘Mum’ makes her feel secure and loved, so be it. If having two Mums, a Grandpa Dad and grandparents is what works for her, then leave it alone. My only other suggestion is a child therapist to support her with navigating complicated family dynamics.

This poot little child is just trying to make sense, and create order, in a complicated life. The adults in her life should back off and let her call the people in her life as she perceives them. The adults should support her and be open with information so she can navigate her own way.

Sorry but I think it's the family who are confusing the child with their 'wishes' to be called certain things. Is it really that important in the grand scheme of things. The little girl has a loving family, but there's too many ego's at stake here. They should all back off, and let HER find her way and call them whatever SHE feels comfortable with. All of this is not her fault, and you are all putting too much pressure on her.

Have to say, despite some of the confusion, you do all appear to live this little girl very much and she seems happy.

So long as this little one s safe, happy and loved that’s the very main thing, everything else will eventually sort takes out.

It seems the ex is the real problem here, laying down rules about what the child can call other people and not wanting to discuss. It’s a shame, I think, that he was the adopter rather than the OP, but that’s water under the bridge.

I’m with Nanato3 on this. I can think of so many children insisting on calling their foster carer ‘mum’. The powers that be had banned this, auntie x was accepted but mum not. I went to the funeral of a foster mother not long ago. I couldn’t count the number of adults aged 20-50 there, all referring to her as ‘mum’

It sounds like she desperately wants a mum and dad in her life . Let her decide who she wants to call mum or dad . What does it matter as long as she happy .
She'll understand better as she gets older. Deal with today and face the future when it comes .

I thought so, thanks morningmist.

She is trying to normalise her situation and at such a young age it's hard for her as she doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with the situation. I don't think your Ex is dealing with this properly tbh. He can't expect a child to have contact with their Birth mother and and new child and not be able to call her what the child wants because at the end of the day it's confusing enough for her as it is. I would encourage her to call them what she wants to call them and I am sure this will evolve over time.

I believe the OP is in the US Iam. Private adoption is allowed there, unlike the UK, and many private adoptions take place within the family. This appears to be just such a case.

If this child wants to call the key woman in her life mummy why stop that?
Don’t distract - give age appropriate information. Birth Mummy loved you but she wasn’t able to care for yiu

Poor child. Don't confuse her any more. Granddad is called just that, the woman is not her mother, just use the Christian name, you Nan or Gran. Any questions she has, just answer truthfully, lies just confuse. You cannot tell her at five her mother is a drug addict, distract, I would only say when she really pushes it. The main thing for her is love and constancy. When she in double figures she needs to know the truth about her parents because of their addiction were unable to look after her but you all loved her more than anything so you asked for her to be yours so she is very special.
I am so glad I never had this happen.

Are you in the USA cafe549? In England a grandfather would be given parental responsibility through a Special Guardianship Order, sharing PR with the birth mother. Family adoptions no longer happen.

A life story book is usually made with input from key people. It grows with the child, as her questions become more complicated, age appropriate info is added.

Didn’t any of the issues you raise get addressed by the agency involved ? It may be worth considering a couple of sessions with people/psychologists who specialise - could help you all agree the most helpful way to answer this little gurkmx

I have had complicated - I and my DS consider his half siblings, as brothers and sister. He made it clear to me aged about 10, that he wanted to meet and play with his brothers and sister.
He considers them brothers and sister, not half.

A friend of mine is the legal guardian of her granddaughter and has been since the child was 1 , she’s now 4 . This was for the same reason as the OP. Both the child’s parents are addicts who sadly get clean and then start using again . The child calls my friend and her DH gran and grandad . This was recommended by the social worker , and she calls her parents mum and dad . She’s been told that her parents are ill and can’t care for her, which she has accepted.
I would suggest the OP gets professional help for her family going forward .

There is some really good advice on here. I can't improve on it but wish you all the best.

I could imagine working with an ex and his girlfriend may at times not be easy but it sounds as if you have a good working arrangement. I am happy you have good access to your granddaughter.

My granddaughter, who is also nearly five, knows I am her mother's mother and I am called Mormor (mother's mother) in the Swedish custom.. She also has a Granny and Grammy (my ex's wife). She also knows she is my granddaughter. But if anyone says "That's your Granny" she says "No she isn't, she is Mormor." That is just who I am. The name is irrelevant.

You can explain truthfully if you are asked but I think I'd go along with the name and explain when necessary.