Almost 5 year old granddaughter

I think you may need to elaborate a little or we won't know what kind of advice to give....

I doubt anyone can advise without understanding why your granddaughter is confused. What is the ‘long story’?

She's been legally adopted by her maternal grandfather (my ex) and we share her 2 weeks there & 2 weeks here. The grandfather's girlfriend wants to be called by her first name. But the child keeps telling me, "sometimes when I'm here with you, I miss my mom", which is the girlfriend. I'm not sure how to correct this without being mean. She very much loves her and has been there since birth.

Her mother was is no condition (ex addict) at the time of her birth, so the baby had to be released from hospital to someone responsible for her. Which at the time (Covid) my ex was with her at the hospital. He took charge from there.

Now she's legally adopted by him, but it's the girlfriend that makes all decisions concerning her. I'm the maternal grandmother. I also bring her to see her mother often when she has her 2 weeks with me and my spouse.

I’d let it pass if that’s the term she uses at home.

The mother now has an 8 month old baby girl, which they are doing very well raising her. I also need advice how to explain in a nice 5 year old way why the sister is with her mother but not her.

My ex and girlfriend also do not want her to call that baby "sister" nor her mother "mom". But she knows it's her mother. We always say "let's go visit mom & baby ___ today".

Your granddaughter is now legally the daughter of your ex. This is something you should discuss with him, as he is her parent. I can understand why she sees your ex’s ‘girlfriend’ (surely after all these years more than that?) as her mother and it must be confusing for her to be meeting her birth mother (I assume he agrees with that and you don’t arrange the meetings in secret?). I hope your ex has by now explained that she has been adopted by him. It’s up to him to tell her, in a way that she can understand, what she needs to know to enable her to make sense of the situation,

Are you saying that the ‘girlfriend’ lives apart from your ex, with her (their?) baby? Why on earth is the child not allowed to call the girlfriend ‘mum’, or the baby ‘sister’?

Young children are often quite confused about family relationships. Especially if they are not part of a conventional two patent family. If your ex’s girlfriend is younger than he is and is a joint carer then I wouldn’t be surprised that your granddaughter has worked out in her own mind that she must be a mummy,
Even if she knows she has another mummy somewhere.

I’d tell your ex and let him and his girlfriend explain the relationship to your granddaughter. You could just reply something like “Of course you miss (girlfriends name). But it’s lovely to have you here with me.” Or something like that.

Personally I wouldn’t correct her, if the girlfriend has been passed by social services to be part of her life growing up, and has been involved with her since birth and you say is very good for her and her real mum has NO input in her life then leave it alone, there will be plenty of time to talk about it when she’s older or when she starts asking questions
The fact your ex got to adopt her implies the father isn’t around either
If she sees the girlfriend as a Mum does she see her grandfather as Dad ? a week is a long time for a 5 year old to be away from ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’
Does she see you as a grandparent

Poor little girl. Most of the kids at school will have a mum and sisters and brothers and she'll want to be the same. Especially with a new baby there.

I'd not "correct her" unless she asks questions. It's a shame that your ex and his partner won't just let it be mom for the while especially whilst the baby is new on the scene and taking time and energy up from her.

Or discuss a compromise like well you are special and you have a "mummy Janet and mummy Gill" or something.

MorningMist

Are you saying that the ‘girlfriend’ lives apart from your ex, with her (their?) baby? Why on earth is the child not allowed to call the girlfriend ‘mum’, or the baby ‘sister’?

Morning Mist It would be helpful to re-read the previous posts in order to fully understand the family setup. It's not as you describe.

I feel so sorry for this little girl.
My cousin was adopted by our grandmother at 8 months old.
She was told who her biological mother was when she was old enough to understand but she always called our gran "mum" and it was left at that . She needs your ex husband to explain things to her in a way she can understand .
She must be so confused, bless her x

I have read all the posts. The comment about the baby being with the girlfriend, but not the little girl, prompted me to ask if the gf and ex actually live together. It’s also reasonable to ask why, if the gf has been in the child’s life since she was born, and makes all the decisions about her, the child is not allowed to call her ‘Mum’, or the new baby ‘sister’, is it not? All any of us can understand about the family set-up is what the OP tells us. I have asked if her ex knows of the visits to the birth mother but she has not responded to that.

I feel sorry for her too Nanato3. She needs a constant presence in her life who she can call Mum, but for some reason this is forbidden. She spends half her time with her grandmother. It’s desperately sad.

Yes of course the ex knows about visits with the biological mother and the new baby. He visits with her also but only on special occasions.

I'm the maternal grandmother + spouse.
He's the maternal grandfather + girlfriend of 7 years.

Biological mother is at her home with boyfriend and new baby of 8 months.

We make sure that she has them in her life. But the grandfather and girlfriend want the 5 year old to call her mother by her first name & first name for the girlfriend too.

But the child keeps saying ___'s my mom, and grandpa _'s my dad. but the dad thing is kinda concerning when you think about it.. he's her mother's father..

And yes they both (girlfriend and grandpa) live together.

Does your granddaughter show a preference towards being with the person she calls "mom" more of the time? I really can't understand why an adopted child cannot call them mom and sister. Poor child. Nothing wrong with it.

My spouse & I + grandpa and his girlfriend, we all try to be present together for her all the time. We're always together for X-mas, Birthdays, special occasions, skating, swimming, etc.. and of course every switch over 2 weeks we even have dinner at a restaurant together.

It only concerned me as to how she was going to react later in life. I just hope she doesn't hate her mother & sister. Nor rebel against her grandpa and girlfriend., but she knows the door's always open here for her.

I think you ve got it wrong Morningmist I think it’s the REAL mum that has a new baby not the girlfriend
The real mum was unable to keep 5 year old who was adopted by grandad who has a live in girlfriend who has been mum to the little girl since birth in the meantime the REAL mum has has straightened herself out and had another baby girl who has stayed with her
It’s a very difficult situation I still wouldn’t go into any details until she asks and then just answer questions as they come along

She loves all of them, the girlfriend, myself, the mother, sister; so it's a tricky situation, i just dont want her too mixed up and rebel against her grandfather who doesnt want her to call her mother "mom" or say "sister" when talking about the baby.