She sounds a nightmare. So does he!
They deserve each other!
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AIBU
Pregnant Daughter and Boyfriend
(57 Posts)I am conflicted and would appreciate advice.
My 35 year old daughter called me in tears. She is 36 weeks pregnant and moved im with her partner a few weeks go - they live an hr apart and were splitting their time between properties. My daughters property sold and so she has moved in FT with him.
She's told me in the past arguments they've had and when he's pushed her out of the way when she won't let him leave or when she grabs told of him to talk. I don't like hearing this but appreciate everyone has a snapping point when boundaries are pushed and space isn't given. I've told her this too.
She said last night they argued because she told him a work story and he disagreed with how she handled it (they don't work together). She said he raised his voice told her it wasn't up for fucking debate and walked away. She walked after him as she didn't like he implied that he was right and she was wrong end of. He then told her she was clearly incompetent and wacked the food trays off of the oven (no food on trays!). He then walked around not speaking to her. She tried making amends and he didn't want to do that, he wanted sleep. She couldn't understand why they were arguing he said that her arguments in debates are weak and make her look silly.
Fast forward to this afternoon, daughter calls me in tears to tell me this - bf followed her to garage as her car needs repair. They both go home in his car. On way, she asked if they csn stop by Starbucks. He agreed. When they parked up, shetalked about last nights argument, to sort it out. She said after 30mins he was saying he wanted to go home for his interview at 3pm. She continued talking to sort it. After getting her coffee. He got angry in the car saying she had ruined his day, he has little time to prepare now and she doesn't respect boundaries. He said next time she doesn't respect boundaries he will have to be tougher with her by locking himself in rooms etc.
When they got home, he didn't help her out of the car with her stuff (she's 37 weeks pregnant) and went in the house. She followed him and said he should of helped, he said she's capable. Then he goes into his office, she follows him and asks why he's shouting and swearing. He said he wants to be alone to work. She asked for a hug. He then asked her to leave him alone. She said no, she wanted to sort it. This is the bit I don't like, he then grabs her by the wrists, escorts her out the room and slams the door. She goes back in saying he had hurt her and to stop the argument. He then charges towards her shouting saying she is stupid and puts his hands over her.mouth and tells her to listen. He says he wants to work and leave me alone and he didn't want to hear her speak anymore. He turns away, she says she loves him and is sorry and he turns back around and grabs her face and tells her to shut up, he chargers back to his office and slams the door in her face as she followed him. During this, she has pretended that he has caught her fingers in the door and has cried her eyes out saying she needs hospital. He tried cancelling his work interview and appointments, said he was sorry he didn't know her hand was there and she's more.importsnt that work. She told him to work on and she didn't want to be around him. She is now sitting in the nursery wondering if they should break up. He comes up stairs and asks why the baby stuff he has purchased is in one pile, she said because she wants whats best. He asked if she was leaving, she said she didn't know and now he's back in his office working.
Sorry for the long story, some of this was phone call, some was text.
I don't like he got physical- is that abusive?
But her lying about him hurting her is wrong and I think a bit abusive too. She said she wants to make him feel bad.
Please help
If this is true then the daughter sounds really immature. To be going on and on about something that is unimportant when he wants a clear head and a chance to prepare for an interview is enough to make anyone want to be on his own. She doesn’t care about him and lying about her hand is beyond childish, especially as the interview is important to him. Doesn’t she realise that his future will affect her and the baby. She should be supporting him if he is anxious about the interview and probably wanting to do well as he is going to be responsible for her and the baby.
They both sound very immature. Poor baby.
petra
I don’t believe a word of it.
Just someone playing with their new ChatBot program.
My thoughts too. It’s a load of cobblers! But if this IS for real, then the daughter is a pain in the arse and has brought this all on herself! She is selfish, manipulative and a liar to boot. Why he is still there, for all his faults, I really don’t know!
Estatehelp
Not a chatbot or AI. Why do people think that??
I haven't been here very long but long enough to quickly learn it is rather a minefield. Some subjects have groups of school playground bullies which occasionally overlap and every other thread or poster is presumed to be a troll. It is very tiresome. I would advise just ignoring it. Then perhaps get your daughter some mental health help before this situation spirals. Someone will have to tell her that her lack of boundaries and controlling behaviour is unhealthy and I am afraid that might fall to you.
Not a chatbot or AI. Why do people think that??
As we have no way of knowing, I think we should accept that posts are genuine and respond accordingly.
Delila
Op has posted today.
She started at least one other thread in April. I don't understand this paranoia that certain posters must be bots.
Op has posted today.
petra
Grammaretto
Why so much detail and why hasn't the OP returned?
Everyone is Being Unreasonable.
If by chance this is a true story, the baby must be protected.
Does a DD really share all her relationship detail with her mother?Because it’s not a real person. It’s AI generated. Anyone can buy a ChatBot program and post anything they want.
No need to pay for a chatbot
Presumably your husband knows, as you do, that your daughter’s injured fingers were a complete fiction, invented to manipulate her boyfriend into indulging her demanding behaviour. It’s not surprising he tried to separate himself from her in the circumstances. So your husband’s desire to hit the boyfriend isn’t reasonable and won’t improve matters.
As I said upthread, this sounds like a destructive relationship all round, and not one to bring a baby into in 4 short weeks’ time, just about long enough for them to have a complete re-think.
Grammaretto
Why so much detail and why hasn't the OP returned?
Everyone is Being Unreasonable.
If by chance this is a true story, the baby must be protected.
Does a DD really share all her relationship detail with her mother?
Because it’s not a real person. It’s AI generated. Anyone can buy a ChatBot program and post anything they want.
Iam64
A very sensible and logical response.
The poster is obviously aiding and abetting her daughter's actions and has probably always done so. She needs to look closely at herself and her opinion on the matter.
Equally disturbing is her thoughts regarding what her husband and son would do to the chap. Violence implied.
So that's the atmosphere the daughter grew up in and what she recognises as acceptable.
Nothing to say that the partner hit the daughter, swore at her or threatened her. He had work to do and he should have respected his space to do that.
The daughter and the mother (poster) are the ones with the problems.
.
Reading your update ...your daughter appears very un self aware about how her behaviour impacts on others. She should have respected his obvious wish to be alone ..he went in the room and shut the door.
HE was trying to get away from her. She wouldnt let him. It's a recipe for what happened ...but still DOES NOT excuse his actions.
They are SO not ready for a child I'm afraid. What is going to happen when he is faced with a hormonal crying wife holding a crying baby ..with many possible scenarios around that?
They urgently need relationship guidance (professional) and I think they need to be living separately at present.
Your husbands desire to hit the boyfriend is not helpful or constructive. You need to stop thinking of her as a child. They need 2 sensible adults helping and advising, not making the situation worse.
I know this is very hard for you and I am sorry if the above sounds harsh but the baby deserves SO much better. The parents need to be told that and need help and advice on a way forward for them both in their relationship and AS PARENTS! 💐
If this is a genuine post, then I’m concerned for the welfare of this unborn baby. The infant is being exposed to anxiety right now. I can see no evidence these parents are capable of prioritising the needs of their baby over their own. Mid 30’s and behaving like drama queens
A woman/mother to be in her mid 30’s isn’t your baby OP. She’s an adult who is behaving like an adolescent and an immature adolescent at that. Your husband wanting to knock him out. On what planet does that achieve anything posituve
They need therapeutic input on their relationship. I’d suggest they do that while living separately but as she’s moved in with him I’m not sure how feasible that is. If she moves back in with you, I’d suggest you also seek therapeutic help to avoid infantilising her
I think acting that you are hurt is very juvenile and to be "pleased" with the way she handled it is outrageous.
If they are in a good place now then this is the time to seek help regarding conflict resolution because there will be more conflict once the baby arrives.
I hope they resolve this.
My son and daughter are close but I haven't told him anything as he would probably take his dad's approach
Hello no this isn't from chat bot and it is a real post. I have spoken to her numerous of times since. They drove to a&e and she went in and pretended her fingers were sore. They had some questions and asked to speak to her alone. They offered to get the police, she said no. When she came out, she told him she refused the police and at that point she said he was upset and said it was a mistake and he didn't know her hand was there. She said she spent the rest of the evening acting that the hand was sore and he has promised never do get so angry again. Not thay it justifies anything but he said he just wanted her to shut up. She kept following him around crying and demanding attention. He said he never wanted to hurt her, he wanted her to be quiet. He apologised for grabbing her and putting his hand over her mouth but he said in the moment he didn't know whay else to do as everytime he walked away or went into a seperate room and closed the door, she followed.
My husband still wants to knock him out. I feel protective of my DD as she is my baby but I am conflicted if he is actually violent or acted in a way whej someone does whej they are pushed. Apparently they are all good now and he is upset by his actions. She said she is happy with how she has handled things. I'm happy they are expecting a little one but wish there was more time as they both need to grow up.
They sound like a pair of hormonal teenagers who haven't learnt how to properly communicate with each other or to respect each other's feelings. It seems to me like she goaded him right from the start. They both sound rather "physical" when trying to make their own points instead of waiting for a calmer atmosphere and discussing things like adults.
Not sure the solution is to split up but rather counselling to learn proper ways of resolving conflicts - which, lets face it, occur in most marriages, but do not develop into physical abuse (on both sides). They do seem to be as bad as each other in allowing their feelings/wants to get out of hand so readily.
But sorry you are witnessing this. Stay calm and supportive of your DD but try not to interfere unless your are truly frightened for her safety.
He is clearly irritated by her and his violent responses will get worse.
She doesnt know how to pick him up about his behaviour in an assertive way or when is the best time. Not that that excuses his behaviour.
They need to split. It's not even close to an effective equal partnership
This sounds like a destructive relationship on both sides and the couple should negotiate an amicable parting before things escalate, not least for the sake of the baby they’re expecting.
Definitely agree with that post Smileless
I can understand a pregnant 35 year old wanted to try being a family but to sell your own house so quickly doesn’t sound feasible and a bit of a story !
the baby must be protected yes Grammaretto and if the OP is genuine, neither appear to be mature enough to be parents. They should be apart for their own sake and more importantly, for their child's.
Why so much detail and why hasn't the OP returned?
Everyone is Being Unreasonable.
If by chance this is a true story, the baby must be protected.
Does a DD really share all her relationship detail with her mother?
rafichagran
OldFrill
She's coercive in pretending he hurt her when he hadn't. She's a dangerous woman.
I agree, she pushed every button, lied, and would not back off. She was goading him and he reacted, (wrongly)
I am not certain if this post is true though.
I really don't care if it's true or not, it may resonate with someone who might take some good advice from it.
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