You’re not being unreasonable — you're asking for basic stability and clarity, especially with a new baby. It’s fair to want timelines, follow-through, and shared responsibility. Your partner may feel pressured, but that doesn't excuse shutting you down or making you feel like a burden for asking valid questions. Try calmly explaining that you're not doubting him — you're trying to build a secure life together. If communication keeps breaking down, a neutral third party (like a counselor) might help. You deserve to feel heard and supported.
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AIBU
Partner and his word
(33 Posts)Me and my partner have just welcomed a baby girl into the world and she is 3 weeks old.
My partner has said he wants to propose and will once he sells his house as most of his money is tied up in his house. I accepted this but he can't just sell up, the house is in dire states and needs redecorating and some renovations. However, my partner doesn't have a great deal of money so things haven't really been getting done. He reluctantly reduced his pension contributions to allow him to do some house things. I sold my house to then move in with partner and he helped with alot of stuff. Once my house was sold he then started work on his house. However, he has had a leak for 2 years whcih has meant he has had to switch off the hot water upstairs. This means the only hot water in from the shower. He has a 2nd bathroom whcih he needs to install and has said for ages that once he installs the 2nd bathroom, he can properly bring up the floor boards in the main bathroom and find the leak. I made him promise me we would have hot water when baby arrived and he did. The two bathrooms haven't been touched since. He then bought lots of panelling to redecorate the livingroom and hall. He has done one wall in the livingroom in about 5 weeks and hasn't even started the rest.
Before I moved in, I said I wanted to go on his house deeds, as security for me and our baby. He didn't say no but didn't see the point and said he felt nervous as we'd been arguing lots and didn't want me taking half his house if we split when I haven't contributed to it. I was upset by this but didn't think about it again.
The other night I asked him when we would get wills written up (to leave things to our daughter). I only asked him this as its a benefit he gets from his work and said he can't get it free or cheaper. He then said he had been thinking about this and will speak with his manager so we can do this in a few weeks. He then said he was going to also put me on the house deeds. I was taken aback and asked him what changed his mind. He said we felt very secure now and it seems the right thing to do by our child. The next morning I said I didn't want things done purely because we had a child that I wanted him to do it becuaee of me and us. I then asked when he was going to do it. He then got angry and said I should be grateful that I'm going on the deeds and that it's nothing to do with Me when he does it. He said with me pushing him, it makes him not want to do it.
Last night he said he would make spag bol and he then said he was too tired and we had picky bits. I got him to promise, jokingly, he would spag bol tonight. He agreed. After eating quite a late snack I asked if he was still keeping his promise (I wasn't being that serious( he got angry and said he had enough of me second guessing him and not believing a word he says. He then stormed out and has been sitting upstairs since.
I don't know whay to say to him becuae whenever I ask wheh something is getting done, I apparently don't trust him and by asking I am pushing him not to do it. However if I don't ask, it neevr gets done. Aibu?
I don't know how to approach this.
I was relieved to read that the money from the sale of your house is in your bank account. If I was in your situation I would leave with my baby and rent somewhere warm and safe, away from this person who is incapable of caring for his family. Good luck.
Partner and his word likely refers to trust and keeping promises in a relationship.
Why cobsuder life with a man you don't trust and gets angry. Just asking for trouble. I would get what I can amicably if possible and move on,
Sorry you are starting life with your new baby girl in an unfinished house with a man you dont trust who gets angry.
How is he spending his paternity leave?
Tell him you couldn't care less about a ring but a comfortable home to bring up your family is important.
A marriage proposal costs nothing. A wedding doesn't have to break the bank . The sooner you get your priorities right, the sooner you can relax and enjoy your life.
“The money from the sale of my home is in my bank and is completely in my name only. I have offered him money to kick start some of his house stuff but he refuses. He has never asked for a penny of my money.”……………………my advice??? Pack your bags, leave and don’t look back! He really isn’t that invested in your relationship and seems to be dragging his feet over commitment, renovating and improving his house, arranging his will……I could go on.
At this point try to have at least hot water and some safety for the baby, not panels and materials everywhere and hopefully you get married in due time and be on deeds, wills etc
I personally kept not pregnant until we were married and had the first place bought and then married and then got pregnant. Try this with the second baby, hopefully will happen this time round
i mean really, you have to keep asking him for those things.
Unreliable, procrastinator. Is he capable of maintaining a relationship? Of maintaining a family? Does he care about you and the baby? Really?
If having a new new baby to care for isn't setting this man on fire to work to make a home and a settled, comfortable environment for his family then nothing is ever going to.
Just on the basis that he's even considered reducing his pension contributions yet says wants to buy you an expensive ring has all the red flags you need. He's a fool - bin him.
But still getting opinions and our thoughts.
MaxieF, you are posting in the wrong forum.
You are quite vulnerable being unmarried as you would not be entitled to maintenance for yourself, only for your little girl, if your relationship didn't work out.
As I think others have said, why doesn't your partner just sell his house at a reduced price, rather than try to do jobs that he possibly doesn't have the skills, or, it seems, the inclination to do. If you get married, you could then pool both your resources and buy another home, putting it in both your names.
However, this relationship doesn't sound that stable or happy. As you have sold your own house and have money in the bank, might you be better buying something on your own? The pressure of a new baby and a house in a muddle isn't likely to improve your relationship. In the future, if things improve between you, you can then plan for a future together.
If your money isn't in his house I don't see why he should put you on his deeds.
Why not wait till his is sold and then you can buy together.
I can see why you might want to discuss his will though if he has a baby with you.
Have you got a will?
From what I see yr partner says alot but doesn’t do a lot. Except get irritable. If you are not already, I suspect you will in time be walking on eggshells around him.
Allsorts nails it. I wonder why you sold yr house before formalizing things properly.
You’ve 2 choices as I see it, put up with him and his drawn out endeavors getting the house in order (which would drive me mad with a new baby), & also his changeable intentions re Wills and Deeds. Or pack up and leave.
MaxieF
He said he wanted to look at putting me on the deeds this week. I've told him it would mean alot if he still did that.
I would love for him to just sell and so we could look at getting our own house. He said if he doesn't put in the work he will lose alot of potential equity. Equity he has plans for.
You have just had a baby and your partner is getting angry shouting and storming out. This is not nice and it's wrong a bad start for a new mum and baby.
You should consider this relationship and if it's stable enough to be in. You are treading on egg shells by the sound of it.
I was in a similar position, which got worse a long time ago. My son was a 3-year-old and my daughter was new born.
You get one life please for your security and your babies future sort it out.
Just to add that I think my DH also has ADHD but at his age (78) he won't even contemplate the idea.
And also to say that my SIL (whom I think the world of) also had his own house when he met my DD, that he was "doing up" (it needed gutting and completely re-doing). After 8 years he had got almost nowhere with it apart from ripping out the insides and replacing the windows. After they married he agreed that they would both sell their houses and accepted that his would result in a loss - but in fact he made a decent profit. Yes, a builder bought it and after renovation (that took him only 4 months!) it sold for a lot more, but at least it enabled them to move on and buy a good family home together.
If you think your DP might have ADHD, it doesn't make him a bad husband or father, but you will need a lot of patience and he will need to make a lot of personal effort. Only you can decided if you can cope with that.
Where will you live when he sells his house?
Him storming out, getting angry and calling you names isn't very nice at all. Do you have anyone in real life (parents, family, friends) you can talk to about this?
What are you expecting a 'proposal' to be? Must it involve him on one knee and all that malarky to count as a proposal?
I'm just curious.
I'd have thought he's made his intensions clear by giving you a 'promise' ring (isn't that the same as an engagement ring?).
But after 65 years of marriage I can assure you he will always promise to do DIY jobs 'sometime' - meaning 'never'. Don't let it become an issue.
He sounds normal.
He hasn't proposed. He gave me a promise ring years ago. He said the ring he wants to buy me is expensive and he needs his house to sell first. The equity in the house is quite alot. The high end of the potential equity is a huge difference and he was advised to do whay he can to maximise the returns.
The money from the sale of my home is in my bank and is completely in my name only. I have offered him money to kick start some of his house stuff but he refuses. He has never asked for a penny of my money.
Let me clarify, it was always been his intentions to sell his home. He has been saying this since 2022. However, it's only been recently that he has done the odd job here and there.
We spoke just there about him never doing what he said he will. He said he hasn't had time and he hasn't want to do use his patertnjt leave for that. I've agreed and said it was before his paternity leave and what his plans are after. He said he needs time and that means not spending as much time with me if he is doing house stuff after his work, I've agreed and said it needs done.
As for the house deeds, he said he said he will put my name on the deeds and he will do it. I've asked if he has thoguht of when. He said he thinks about it all of the time. I then asked when he is going to do it. He said he doesn't know. He has now went downstairs in a mood. He said for me wanting to know an exact date is grabby as its not my house. He said he wants me to see it as my home but it is his house. I've asked him to give me a date but he said i don't need to know that. Am i being unreasonable or grabby??
Surely he has 'proposed' already?
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