Partner and his word

I am not sure that GN is the right place for best advice, but if you were on MN I am 100% certain that you would be told "GET RID" in no uncertain terms!

I have been married for 53 years and my DH is very much like yours. He says he will do "things" and rarely, if ever, does. He says he forgets, hasn't had time, will do it tomorrow/next week/when he has time (which apparently he never has). However, it is only recently he has become angry or annoyed with me for "reminding him when he doesn't need reminding" while in your case it seems to be very early in your relationship. I do know that his reluctance has caused me a lot of distress as it seems that we have never shared the same aims or wants in life, and I am worn out with having to do everything in the home if I want it done. That said, he is usually happy with having it done for him!

But it doesn't sound like a fair partnership to me

I don't really have a solution for you (if I did I wouldn't still be waiting for my DH to actually DO what he says he will), but I imagine there will be one of two outcomes - either he changes his approach to sharing a life with you and your child or you accept that you are maybe going to struggle like this for a very long time.

One other thought is that he could have ADHD. People with it do procrastinate a lot, get distracted from what needs doing, take a long time to complete tasks etc. One of my SILs is like that - he means well, but my DD has learnt ways of guiding him to do things in small chunks rather than facing him with what he sees as a mega burden. But he has never been nasty to her and realises that he needs to find ways of dealing with the ADHD for both their benefits.

Good luck.

It seems like you have burnt your boats, you either live like this as he us unlikely to change or get out. You had a child but sold your own house, you should have been on the deeds etc before giving up your security.

You both sound like children to me and I feel sorry for your baby.

I I was in your position I think I'd want to sell the house just as it is.
Fix the leak and put it on the market.

It may be years more before the house is done.
Do you want to continue living like this?
Does he?

How much equity is in the house?
If it was sold "as is" could you get your capital back?

Do you want to bring your child up with such a man?

By the way, it does NOT cost money to propose.

I don't really trust your partner.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Have I got this right? You've sold your house and now live in your partner's house. It's his intention to sell his house.
Where will you live then?

What happened to the money from the sale of your house? Do you have that somewhere secure in your name?

OP, it's not meant to be this difficult. These are meant to be happy days for you where you and your partner work as a team. Can you and he have a sensible discussion about how you and your new baby will live, where and in what circumstances for the next few years at least?

Surely he has 'proposed' already?

The money from the sale of my home is in my bank and is completely in my name only. I have offered him money to kick start some of his house stuff but he refuses. He has never asked for a penny of my money.

Let me clarify, it was always been his intentions to sell his home. He has been saying this since 2022. However, it's only been recently that he has done the odd job here and there.

We spoke just there about him never doing what he said he will. He said he hasn't had time and he hasn't want to do use his patertnjt leave for that. I've agreed and said it was before his paternity leave and what his plans are after. He said he needs time and that means not spending as much time with me if he is doing house stuff after his work, I've agreed and said it needs done.

As for the house deeds, he said he said he will put my name on the deeds and he will do it. I've asked if he has thoguht of when. He said he thinks about it all of the time. I then asked when he is going to do it. He said he doesn't know. He has now went downstairs in a mood. He said for me wanting to know an exact date is grabby as its not my house. He said he wants me to see it as my home but it is his house. I've asked him to give me a date but he said i don't need to know that. Am i being unreasonable or grabby??

He hasn't proposed. He gave me a promise ring years ago. He said the ring he wants to buy me is expensive and he needs his house to sell first. The equity in the house is quite alot. The high end of the potential equity is a huge difference and he was advised to do whay he can to maximise the returns.

What are you expecting a 'proposal' to be? Must it involve him on one knee and all that malarky to count as a proposal?
I'm just curious.
I'd have thought he's made his intensions clear by giving you a 'promise' ring (isn't that the same as an engagement ring?).
But after 65 years of marriage I can assure you he will always promise to do DIY jobs 'sometime' - meaning 'never'. Don't let it become an issue.
He sounds normal.

Where will you live when he sells his house?

Him storming out, getting angry and calling you names isn't very nice at all. Do you have anyone in real life (parents, family, friends) you can talk to about this?

Just to add that I think my DH also has ADHD but at his age (78) he won't even contemplate the idea.

And also to say that my SIL (whom I think the world of) also had his own house when he met my DD, that he was "doing up" (it needed gutting and completely re-doing). After 8 years he had got almost nowhere with it apart from ripping out the insides and replacing the windows. After they married he agreed that they would both sell their houses and accepted that his would result in a loss - but in fact he made a decent profit. Yes, a builder bought it and after renovation (that took him only 4 months!) it sold for a lot more, but at least it enabled them to move on and buy a good family home together.

If you think your DP might have ADHD, it doesn't make him a bad husband or father, but you will need a lot of patience and he will need to make a lot of personal effort. Only you can decided if you can cope with that.

You have just had a baby and your partner is getting angry shouting and storming out. This is not nice and it's wrong a bad start for a new mum and baby.
You should consider this relationship and if it's stable enough to be in. You are treading on egg shells by the sound of it.
I was in a similar position, which got worse a long time ago. My son was a 3-year-old and my daughter was new born.
You get one life please for your security and your babies future sort it out.

I would love for him to just sell and so we could look at getting our own house. He said if he doesn't put in the work he will lose alot of potential equity. Equity he has plans for.

He said he wanted to look at putting me on the deeds this week. I've told him it would mean alot if he still did that.

MaxieF

From what I see yr partner says alot but doesn’t do a lot. Except get irritable. If you are not already, I suspect you will in time be walking on eggshells around him.

Allsorts nails it. I wonder why you sold yr house before formalizing things properly.

You’ve 2 choices as I see it, put up with him and his drawn out endeavors getting the house in order (which would drive me mad with a new baby), & also his changeable intentions re Wills and Deeds. Or pack up and leave.

If your money isn't in his house I don't see why he should put you on his deeds.
Why not wait till his is sold and then you can buy together.

I can see why you might want to discuss his will though if he has a baby with you.
Have you got a will?

You are quite vulnerable being unmarried as you would not be entitled to maintenance for yourself, only for your little girl, if your relationship didn't work out.

As I think others have said, why doesn't your partner just sell his house at a reduced price, rather than try to do jobs that he possibly doesn't have the skills, or, it seems, the inclination to do. If you get married, you could then pool both your resources and buy another home, putting it in both your names.

However, this relationship doesn't sound that stable or happy. As you have sold your own house and have money in the bank, might you be better buying something on your own? The pressure of a new baby and a house in a muddle isn't likely to improve your relationship. In the future, if things improve between you, you can then plan for a future together.

MaxieF, you are posting in the wrong forum.

But still getting opinions and our thoughts.

Just on the basis that he's even considered reducing his pension contributions yet says wants to buy you an expensive ring has all the red flags you need. He's a fool - bin him.

If having a new new baby to care for isn't setting this man on fire to work to make a home and a settled, comfortable environment for his family then nothing is ever going to.

Unreliable, procrastinator. Is he capable of maintaining a relationship? Of maintaining a family? Does he care about you and the baby? Really?