Upset about daughter not visiting her sisters grave

My sister died 34 years ago. I have rarely visited her grave although my parents did regularly.

Even all these years later I still think of her most days. Often just a glimmering thought, but there is no connection between visiting a grave and remembering a person. As long as I live my sister lives on in my memory and conversation.

I can't visit my son's grave on a regular basis as it's too far away from where I live. But my son is on my mind and in my heart every moment of my life. My daughter is the same, she lives too far away, but I know that she loves and thinks about her brother. I think your daughter is probably the same. She carries her sister in her heart. I'm sorry for your loss, I know how painful it is, even after the passing of the years.

Just look after yourselves, and grieve the best way for you.
There is never an easy way.

Everyone grieves in their own way. And equally, everyone remember loved ones who have died in a different way to how someone else will remember them.

Take your own comfort in your memories and allow your surviving daughter to do the same. Much as I am sorry for your loss, I think you are being critical of your daughter unnecessarily.

When my df died.this was the only time that my DM visited the cemetery. She never went again.l didn't either.
When my DM died her ashes were intered in the grave with him
Me and my dsis visit on birthday Christmas and mother's day.
Knowing my mum she would tell us not to visit because she's not there.

I never visit graves of loved ones, that doesn't mean I don't love them or remember them. People remember people in their own way.

Like many others, I do think you are being very unfair. We all grieve in our own way. My parents graves are very close to me, just across a road and a field- but I never go. Graves mean nothing to me- their memories, their support and love are what matter. Other friends go and clean graves, put fresh flowers and go often. I respect their way of grieving.

The death of a sibbling can put huge pressure on a child, or an adult. There is a kind of guilt of being the survivor, and at times even some anxiety close to jealousy (which increases the guilt even more) that a passed sibbling seems to have more attention and even perceived love, than the one or ones left behind.

Don’t feel upset Posy, I’m pretty sure neither of your daughters would have wanted this.

Everyone grieves differently.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter

chocolatepeanuts

How people view graves and the value in visiting them doesn't reflect how much the person meant to them. My DD has never visited her sister's grave, but I know she's been to hell and back with grieving. She still misses her very much.

My husband still visits the grave regularly. I stopped going about two years ago. I don't go because there's nothing there really. My daughter isn't there and I no longer feel a connection there when I do visit. But she is in my heart and memories all the time.

I am the same! I adored my late husband but since the day he was buried, I have never returned to the grave. The children do, and that’s fine but it is something I find pointless. He is not there. His shell is, but the essence of him is still here in his family because we talk about him a lot. We ‘told’ him when his great-grandson was born a few weeks ago and when that little boy is old enough to understand, he will be told all about his GGDad.
I ‘talk’ to him all the time in my head.
I agree, the people we have loved and lost are in our hearts.

Maybe visiting her sister's grave is just too much for your daughter .
We all grieve in different ways .
My daughter refused to come to her grandfather's funeral and it shook me to the core .
I'm concerned that she won't have closure and will suffer later on .

When my sister died, my surviving sister and I reacted in entirely different ways because as different people we grieved in different ways. My parents grieved in their ways, that were different again.

My deceased sister was buried near where my parents lived and they visited her grave. Frequently at first, but tailing off so that it was just birthdays and Christmas.

My surviving sister and I visited rarely. Not because we did not love and miss our sister, but because the essence of her, did not dwell in the handful of ashes in a dull municipal cemetery, but in my mind and my memories, in the little things of hers that still dot my home. Although as we are currently downsizing, I am parting with things of hers without a pang, it is over 30 years ago,

I remember my sister in all sorts of little things. I see her in my grand daughter, my sisters great-niece, I see her in my daughter. All three have the same distinctive small hands with beautiful slender fingers. I remember when I hear the music of Mozart.

Anyone particular remembrance ritual does not define someones grief or loss. You still want o visit your DD's grave. Keep doing so. For your daughter, for your daughter this is no longer meaningful. Let it be and do not judge her grief or memories by one gesture.

Crosstichfan, I feel as you do.

My GP’s and other relatives are in a little country churchyard.

As a child, going ‘to the graves’ was a regular occurrence to put flowers on and tidy up the grass.

Now my mum’s ashes are in her parents grave, and I still go fairly often with flowers.

It’s not a council maintained cemetery, some old graves are overgrown and neglected. I realise when I am no longer here, that will be the fate of these family graves.

Having said that, I enjoy going on a summer’s day, very peaceful and happy memories.

However, DH and I will be cremated, no upkeep of graves for us.

Well done Crosstitchfan I too feel better after reading this as I often feel I should be going more but they aren’t there and I think about them so much but still feel guilty

I have purposely opted for cremation for myself so no one has to feel guilty about not going to the cemetery to visit me

My husband died five years ago and his ashes were buried in his Gran’s grave. In my mind, he is not there, but in my heart and I don’t need to visit a grave to think of him - I do that all the time. I felt very guilty about not visiting the graveuntil read this thread, and realised I am not the only one to feel this way.
Instead of leaving flowers on his grave, which is no help to him or me, I make regular donations to the Brain Tumour Charity in his name, with extra ones on his birthday and at Christmas. He would approve of that, as he didn’t see the point of a grave either. This way, his memory lives on in the Charity, and he is still benefitting others, like he always did when he was alive.

maybe your daughter feels she doesn't need to visit her grave to remember her sister, she probably thinks about her every day..

How people view graves and the value in visiting them doesn't reflect how much the person meant to them. My DD has never visited her sister's grave, but I know she's been to hell and back with grieving. She still misses her very much.

My husband still visits the grave regularly. I stopped going about two years ago. I don't go because there's nothing there really. My daughter isn't there and I no longer feel a connection there when I do visit. But she is in my heart and memories all the time.

Try not to let this upset you. You find consolation in visiting your daughter's grave, but does the same apply to your living daughter?

I wondered when I read your post if she has gone with you for your sake, not because she needs or wants to visit her sister's grave.

She is highly unlikely to have forgotten her sister, you know, but she may well remember her better everywhere else than at the cemetary.

My husband never visited his mother's grave, but that did not mean he forgot her, or did not miss her. Her photo is downstairs in our hall as I write this. It was practically the first thing my husband unpacked when we moved here.

I take fresh flowers to his grave once a week, and have done so, since the week after his funeral. I have no idea if I will go on visiting his grave so regularly - it is now 18 months since he died.

I don't visit my parents' sister's and aunt's graves, as they are all at the other side of the country, but I certainly have not forgotten any of them.

Please allow your daughter to remember her sister in her way, and do not let yourself be upset by this.

How we react to a bereavement and how we live on past it, is so individual that it is pointless to worry about someone else tackling this challenge differently.

Please don't question your DD's ongoing grief or love for her lost sister.
Every person grieves in their own wa.
I very seldom go to my OH's give and I know my dds find this strange. But it does not help me at all and certainly does not help him. That does ot mean I do jot miss him. Life goes on and this is how he would have wanted t.

Everybody grieves differently

Yabu

No graves in our family as it has always been cremations, but we have special places which we randomly visit from time to time where memories have been made in the past.
But rarely a day goes by when I don't think of someone dear and gone.. never forgotten.
I don't need to see a block of granite to give them a hug and tell them I still, and always will, love them.

A bit depends on how close your daughters were, I think. I lost my brother when I was a teenager and he was just 20. Yes I loved him, but at that age we weren't that close - I often didn't see him for weeks and we led entirely different lives. When he died I was very upset, and I missed having a laugh with him from time to time, but I'm sure my grief was nothing compared to my parents. I still think of him and wonder what he would have done, and we still talk about him and things he did from time to time, but I have to admit he's a distant memory to me now. I'm another one who doesn't visit graves.

Posy, to lose your child must be the hardest thing to bear. I am estranged from mine, not a day goes by without me missing her, how much harder for you. Your daughter will never stop
thinking about her sister but she needs to live her life her way, to be happy. Lots of people who love someone very much as I did my husband, scatter ashes so there is no grave. We care just the same but in a different way. They are always in our hearts, they leave their love with us, that's where the essence of the person is.

I don't visit anyone's grave and used to resent being taken to my brother's grave when I was a child.

Even more did I resent being forced to put the flowers that I carried as a bridesmaid on his grave before I had managed to show them off to my friends.

Having said that, my brother both go to our parents' grave and one brother goes to the grave of our dead brother. They were twins.

It's each to their own i think.

I’ve never visited my sister’s grave. It really upsets me and it doesn’t benefit her in any way.

But I think of her most days. When I am doing something she would have enjoyed, or that moment when our eyes would have met and she would have lifted an eyebrow or when I get down the coffee cup she gave me.

A grave isn’t always the most significant place for remembrance.