Upset about daughter not visiting her sisters grave

I don't think you should be upset Posy for your D's sake as well as your own.

It doesn't mean that she's forgotten her sister.

Maybe she just finds it too hard to keep visiting the grave? Everyone grieves in their own way, and I'm sure it doesn't mean that she has forgotten her.

I never visit the graves of those who have died.

On their birthdays I always buy flowers to have in my home of the type they would like. For example my Dad was not into fancy things but loved scented flowers so I get Stocks or hyacinths.

I don t forget them they and their memories are always with me.

Oh Posy I very much doubt she has forgotten her sister.

I know from my own experience of losing a loved one that a time may come when you jut have to stop the rituals of "remembering" to be able to get on with your life. There were things I did that upset me so much I had to stop in the end.

But those I've lost are still very much in my heart.

I don't visit the graves of my loved ones as I come away feeling so disappointed and sad that I can't actually be with them. This certainly does not mean I don't miss them. The opposite is true. Your daughter probably grieves in her own way. Grief is so hard, big hugs to you.

No, you should not be upset.

Of course you are still sad that your youngest daughter died many years ago but I think being judgmental about your other daughter's way of coping with the loss of her sister is just your projection of your own ongoing grief. For your own sake, please don't do that. You are upset about having a dead daughter. Of course you are.

So am I. My daughter's sisters and her husband cope in their own way. I in mine.

I don't really visit graves either, because they turn my thoughts to the day I lost them. On special occasions I prefer to remember when they were here and we were happy. Visiting their death makes me lose out on their life and it just hurt. I don't want to hurt when I think of them, I want to smile because they did so much to make me smile.

Please don't be upset about this. We all remember loved ones in our own way. I am with silver girl on this. I don't visit graves any more. My loved
in my heart and in my thoughts- always! Not beneath the soil. It is such a personal issue - each to their own. Your DD has not forgotten her sister, she will be remembering in a way that
is best for
her , as we are all entitled to do. 💐💐

My loved ones are in my heart

Surely this could not be more true:
You are upset about having a dead daughter. Of course you are.

But your (very much alive) daughter will go on loving her sister in her own special, sisterly way.
I haven't been in your place, or hers (and obviously feel blessed to have been spared that burden) - but I think we must all be allowed to grieve (and live on) in our own unique way.

It's possible that your daughter was doing it your way because she loves you.

For many many years I visited my uncle's grave on his birthday with my mum. It was what she wanted to do.
I know an uncle is not at all the same as a sister - but I truly loved mum and knew it was important to her.

I do hope you can find peace in this.
I'm sure you both keep your youngest daughter alive in your hearts.

Fairislecable
I love your flowers idea.
I always buy daffodils for my dad.

I don’t visit my mum and dad and grandparents graves any more but I think about them and miss them every day sometimes many times a day
Let your daughter remember her sister however she wants…. not visiting the grave does not equate with not remembering her sister

I’ve never visited my sister’s grave. It really upsets me and it doesn’t benefit her in any way.

But I think of her most days. When I am doing something she would have enjoyed, or that moment when our eyes would have met and she would have lifted an eyebrow or when I get down the coffee cup she gave me.

A grave isn’t always the most significant place for remembrance.

I don't visit anyone's grave and used to resent being taken to my brother's grave when I was a child.

Even more did I resent being forced to put the flowers that I carried as a bridesmaid on his grave before I had managed to show them off to my friends.

Having said that, my brother both go to our parents' grave and one brother goes to the grave of our dead brother. They were twins.

It's each to their own i think.

Posy, to lose your child must be the hardest thing to bear. I am estranged from mine, not a day goes by without me missing her, how much harder for you. Your daughter will never stop
thinking about her sister but she needs to live her life her way, to be happy. Lots of people who love someone very much as I did my husband, scatter ashes so there is no grave. We care just the same but in a different way. They are always in our hearts, they leave their love with us, that's where the essence of the person is.

A bit depends on how close your daughters were, I think. I lost my brother when I was a teenager and he was just 20. Yes I loved him, but at that age we weren't that close - I often didn't see him for weeks and we led entirely different lives. When he died I was very upset, and I missed having a laugh with him from time to time, but I'm sure my grief was nothing compared to my parents. I still think of him and wonder what he would have done, and we still talk about him and things he did from time to time, but I have to admit he's a distant memory to me now. I'm another one who doesn't visit graves.

No graves in our family as it has always been cremations, but we have special places which we randomly visit from time to time where memories have been made in the past.
But rarely a day goes by when I don't think of someone dear and gone.. never forgotten.
I don't need to see a block of granite to give them a hug and tell them I still, and always will, love them.

Everybody grieves differently

Yabu

Please don't question your DD's ongoing grief or love for her lost sister.
Every person grieves in their own wa.
I very seldom go to my OH's give and I know my dds find this strange. But it does not help me at all and certainly does not help him. That does ot mean I do jot miss him. Life goes on and this is how he would have wanted t.

Try not to let this upset you. You find consolation in visiting your daughter's grave, but does the same apply to your living daughter?

I wondered when I read your post if she has gone with you for your sake, not because she needs or wants to visit her sister's grave.

She is highly unlikely to have forgotten her sister, you know, but she may well remember her better everywhere else than at the cemetary.

My husband never visited his mother's grave, but that did not mean he forgot her, or did not miss her. Her photo is downstairs in our hall as I write this. It was practically the first thing my husband unpacked when we moved here.

I take fresh flowers to his grave once a week, and have done so, since the week after his funeral. I have no idea if I will go on visiting his grave so regularly - it is now 18 months since he died.

I don't visit my parents' sister's and aunt's graves, as they are all at the other side of the country, but I certainly have not forgotten any of them.

Please allow your daughter to remember her sister in her way, and do not let yourself be upset by this.

How we react to a bereavement and how we live on past it, is so individual that it is pointless to worry about someone else tackling this challenge differently.

How people view graves and the value in visiting them doesn't reflect how much the person meant to them. My DD has never visited her sister's grave, but I know she's been to hell and back with grieving. She still misses her very much.

My husband still visits the grave regularly. I stopped going about two years ago. I don't go because there's nothing there really. My daughter isn't there and I no longer feel a connection there when I do visit. But she is in my heart and memories all the time.

maybe your daughter feels she doesn't need to visit her grave to remember her sister, she probably thinks about her every day..

My husband died five years ago and his ashes were buried in his Gran’s grave. In my mind, he is not there, but in my heart and I don’t need to visit a grave to think of him - I do that all the time. I felt very guilty about not visiting the graveuntil read this thread, and realised I am not the only one to feel this way.
Instead of leaving flowers on his grave, which is no help to him or me, I make regular donations to the Brain Tumour Charity in his name, with extra ones on his birthday and at Christmas. He would approve of that, as he didn’t see the point of a grave either. This way, his memory lives on in the Charity, and he is still benefitting others, like he always did when he was alive.

Well done Crosstitchfan I too feel better after reading this as I often feel I should be going more but they aren’t there and I think about them so much but still feel guilty

I have purposely opted for cremation for myself so no one has to feel guilty about not going to the cemetery to visit me